[f33db4ck]

Hello, I am a 28 year old male.
I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style..

Most likely.

Its always hard to know which came first the chicken or the egg.

I also think I have low self esteem and am insecure + low self worth.

However all the research I have looked into talks about people who don't like who they are.

The thing is. I like who I am.

Is it possible to like who you are, know you are worth a lot, but still FEEL low self esteem and low worth.

I know I am very attractive, smart, driven, wise, great in bed. In know this. But when I get into a relationship or my self worth is challenged it feels like there is no foundation of self esteem.

Word for word its anxious preoccupied.

I have this emotional hunger. which is endless. for reassurance in a relationship. However I know that its not just because of the relationship. This is a part of me. not of a part of the person I am dating. Its frustrating.

I almost always feel I am in a constant state of anxiety as I don't feel content unless my partner is routinely giving me reassurance. Which destroys relationships because I am not self soothing i am using another person as a sort of "drug" to make myself feel worth.

So most recently I have been acting as a secure person would.

and trying to self sooth but it all ends in me feeling anxious all the time and questing my worth

anyone with any ideas I'm open...

im gonna go eat and sleep now.

Me and my sexy self. (saying it but not feeling it.)

[Frankbtl]

Hi f33db4ck,welcome to PC!!!
Just some thoughts........you're going to have to help me out if I'm off target here, OK??!!
It sounds like, although you know things you feel you"should" be proud of, you need the reassurance that someone else recognises and values those things in you???
Just wondering if you've any bad experiences in the past, either in or out of relationships whereas you've been made to feel "inferior"??? If so it might help to work on some of those issues???
Or perhaps those qualities you're seeing as good about yourself don't necessarily seem as significant to you?? Maybe you're needing reminders that they actually matter that much to someone else?? Maybe back some of those up with exploring some of your "deeper qualities" (nevermind one's you think other people might value!!) ones that you can personally feel good about.........successes........achievements........???
I'm sure there's more to you as well as.......or even different aspects to them you might find more personally meaningful!!!
Or maybe you're setting too high standards/expectations of yourself and you're not sure how well you're living up to those, so need reassurance in that area??? Maybe time to give yourself "a break" and acknowledge how well you actually are doing???
And of course ultimately you shouldn't have to "prove yourself" to anyone, it should be a matter of them liking you for who you are..........with/depute/regardless of any flaws. No-one's going to be perfect!!! And if someone doesn't like you.....no problem......there will be someone else who will!!
But with the anxiety maybe have a think about/write down "worst case" scenarios if.........and then have a go at thinking about/writing down arguements that dispute/discredit those things happening, or even make them not so bad if they did happen because.........
So just some thoughts............like I said, just let me know if I'm off target anywhere
And you might also find these forums helpful in what you're going through as well:
Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central
Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central
Alison

[f33db4ck]

I wouldn't say you are necessarily off track.
I think its a lot of things.

Ill give you some more information:

I am becoming a therapist.
I reflect a lot.
I journal every day.
I read a lot of books on anxiety, attachment disorders, self esteem etc.

So I'm coming from a place of total awareness.

Imagine this.

Its as if I am a passenger in my body.

I am aware of how I feel.

I am aware of how I should feel.

I am aware of what emotions to act on and not act on.

In the past I was not a passenger, looking down upon my emotions and questioning them. they controlled me.

Its strange. having extreme self awareness. sometimes its utterly frustrating.

Its strange because i am hyper away of how I am feeling, why i am feeling it.

I know i feel the way way i feel because of my mother.

She was insecure. and projected that upon me.

couple that with the attachment style created by her parenting..

coupled with life events..

and you have someone who is extremely self aware..

knows he is amazing.

but looking down into himself. the reflection does not match.

its ****ing annoying..

I do know what mends the feelings..

Its obvious to me.

When i give into my protest behaviors and look for reasurance.

I start to feel content.

But its a never ending cycle of needing more more more more...

and it strangles my partner.

so i don't do that anymore

i just sit with my anxiety 24/7

its a dilemma

in the true matter of the word

there are two options

give in to using others for reassurance (which is self defeating because its a bottomless pit of need)

or stop asking for reassurance and feel anxiety all the time

so i guess either way i feel anxious.

lol thats messed up.

its a fake reprieve.

well.. its all based off a falsity anyway.. as I'm looking to reassure something that shouldn't need to be reassured.

I mean. Im ****ing awesome (coming from someone who is struggling with self esteem issues)

yet i don't feel that way

strangeness

but yes reasurrance is the ugly tool that feeds me

[CosmicRose]

I actually posted something similar on another thread. I said "I have low self esteem but I love myself. I have anxiety all the time, I push boyfriends away even if they're great because I fear someone getting too close to me. If I love myself and really like who I am, why do I do this? Why do I have low self esteem and anxiety and push relationships away if I love who I am (which I do)?"
I don't know what causes this. Maybe it has something to do with my self preservation, trying to build a wall before I get hurt or something.
Seems like your situation is slightly different than mine though, since you say you need the reassurance and I tend to need "space" which basically means breaking up with someone out of the blue.
Ugh.
Maybe this isn't a self esteem issue, maybe its just an anxiety issue. Guess we both have to dig deeper.

[f33db4ck]

well..
it could be we both feel anxiety but our worries are satiated with different coping skills.
Yours is space.
Mine is reassurance.

You sound like you might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style:
----------------------------------------------
Fearful–avoidant
People with losses or sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence often develop this type of attachment[11] and tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others." People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don't trust the intentions of their partners. Similar to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Instead, they are much less comfortable expressing affection.

[f33db4ck]

this pretty much describes me:

Insecure[edit]
Anxious–preoccupied[edit]
People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like", and "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

but my question is a chick and egg thing

am i anxious preoccupied because i have anxiety or do i have anxiety because i am seeking reassurance...

dileammas

[f33db4ck]

So basically:

When the anxious attachment style feels that something is not right in their relationship their attachment system activates. The attachment system is a mechanism in the brain that is responsible for monitoring and tracking the safety and availability of our attachment figures. Even the slightest hint that something is wrong will trigger the anxious person’s attachment system. This triggering highjacks the brain and reestablishing connection to their partner becomes the main priority. Once their attachment system is activated, they cannot calm down until they have clear indication from their partner that s/he is truly there and the relationship is safe. Once their partner responds in a way that reestablishes security, they revert back to their calm, normal self.

----

I am triggered but refusing to give in to needing other to fill the urge because its a bottomless pit.

But self soothing is not working...

[f33db4ck]

From the books articles and journals I have read most people do not end up changing their attachment styles.

They find ways to meet their needs, and stay stuck feeding the style they currently have.

however I consistently try to use others as a source of reassurance when that reassurance is not actually needed, because there is nothing wrong with me.

Giving into that need felt as anxiety is confirming an irrational belief.

If you have any ideas, share.