I hope this is just a phase for me because I've never really dealt with self hatred before. It's been like 2 weeks now, I haven't taken a step outside my house because I don't need to. A friend of mine is upset with me for not answering his calls. I have nothing against him or any of my friends, I just don't want to.... be myself.. I'd rather be anyone else or something. I don't feel I'm worth the effort to fix myself, like I shouldn't care about myself.

I'm so sensitive right now that I don't think I can even deal with light hearted ribbing, because it reminds me too much of the days I put behind me. When I was bullied, manipulated, turned into an object of ridicule. An old friend reached out to me on the phone, I hadn't heard from him in years... we were friends, but all I can remember from my past with him is that he often doubted me and tried to put me down. I have been trying really hard to avoid negativity of any kind, I think there's a better way to do that than to ignore people.

I don't even like how i look anymore, I hate people going 'you look so different now', or that I'm thin or that my hair is thinner than the last they saw me, it REALLY puts a damper on things and gets me down. I don't want to feel down, I'm sick and tired of it. I've had enough of judgmental people that won't let me move on, only inspire bad memories from the past and won't leave me alone. I feel like a horrible person now.

[Artchic528]

Being depressed makes one hyper sensitive to just about everything, I think. I can totally understand as I used to be exactly this way not to long ago.

What snapped me out of my depressive state was literally that. I snapped!!

Okay, now you're probably thinking, this girl is nuts. LOL I don't blame you. That did sound pretty weird, what I just said. However, when I explain the method behind the madness, you'll understand.

A fellow member on here, Vital, introduced me to a wonderful technique for pulling oneself from the utter depths of depression. It's called SNAP CLUB. Here's the link to the thread Vital made, explaining it all. http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

Basically, when you're depressed, you're on autopilot and don't, or can't, make conscious decisions on a daily basis. You just do things, barely existing. By snapping your fingers when you make a conscious decision to do something, you bring your mind from the bleak and dreary auto pilot depression, into the present and into the light.

So, now you're either skeptical, which I can understand, or not even reading this thread at this point because you've decided my mind has gone to the dogs. That's okay. I love dogs. I would love to spend time with some.

Anyways, just try it and see for yourself. It's super easy and besides, you've got nothing to lose, right? Might as well try it. So go ahead and try it, even if you only commit to just one day, or afternoon. If you don't feel the difference in your attitude by then, I won't bother you anymore about SNAP CLUB. I promise.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity, you are not a horrible person!!!
And you are without a doubt, worth caring for yourself!!!
Maybe just start with really small things you can do for yourself or feel about yourself??
It sounds like other people aren't really helping the way you're feeling right now though............it can be hard enough without all the comments, right? But if anyone makes a comment or if you are faced with some of that "light hearted ribbing" maybe you could let them know that it's a problem for you?? That way they can maybe appreciate the way you're feeling a little more?? And maybe offer some support??
Still if company is a little too much for you right now, maybe you could go do something on your own, even if it's just a short walk somewhere for now?? Something a little active??
And the friend who is upset about you not answering calls.............do you think you could tell him that you've got enough on right now but could you catch up (a day) next week?? It might give you a bit of "breathing space" something to aim for in catching up with him.......
The other guy.......I wouldn't say he was a friend if he treated you like that.......so nothing wrong with turning your back on him now and especially as he seems to be triggering things from the past. You owe him nothing.
But regardless, do you think it might help trying to work through some of the things from your past?? With a professional or on here?? Just if you think it might help.
Still at least you know that you can escape the judgmental people on here, hey??
We care.........and again........you are not a horrible person!!!
Alison

[peaceseeker63]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I hope this is just a phase for me because I've never really dealt with self hatred before. It's been like 2 weeks now, I haven't taken a step outside my house because I don't need to. A friend of mine is upset with me for not answering his calls. I have nothing against him or any of my friends, I just don't want to.... be myself.. I'd rather be anyone else or something. I don't feel I'm worth the effort to fix myself, like I shouldn't care about myself.

I'm so sensitive right now that I don't think I can even deal with light hearted ribbing, because it reminds me too much of the days I put behind me. When I was bullied, manipulated, turned into an object of ridicule. An old friend reached out to me on the phone, I hadn't heard from him in years... we were friends, but all I can remember from my past with him is that he often doubted me and tried to put me down. I have been trying really hard to avoid negativity of any kind, I think there's a better way to do that than to ignore people.

I don't even like how i look anymore, I hate people going 'you look so different now', or that I'm thin or that my hair is thinner than the last they saw me, it REALLY puts a damper on things and gets me down. I don't want to feel down, I'm sick and tired of it. I've had enough of judgmental people that won't let me move on, only inspire bad memories from the past and won't leave me alone. I feel like a horrible person now.

It sounds like you are really struggling right now, and I am sorry you are feeling this way . Remember to try and practice self- compassion. Be kind to yourself. Try to be your own best friend, and practice self accceptance. I think many people struggle with similar feelings of self hatred at times, I know I have. But remember that you are a worthwhile person, no matter what!