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  #1  
Old Jan 17, 2015, 12:34 AM
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RichardBrooks RichardBrooks is offline
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A little history: Thanksgiving, 2013, my fiancee spent the night with her ex husband, came home, and kicked me out. By mid January (2014), she had broken up with him and was begging me to take her back (we stayed in contact because I couldn't just abandon the kids--her kids; not mine). I approached with caution, and finally started staying at her place the last week of October. Three days ago, she told me she felt she wanted to work things out with her ex (yes, the same ex) and she wanted me to leave... again.

I have spent the better part of a decade with her. I knew going into the relationship that she could not have any more children, and, having none of my own, I chose to be a father to hers rather than finding someone else and having natural children. The only thing about that decision that's ever bothered me is, the kids call the ex daddy even though he shows no interest unless he's behind on his child support and about to go to jail.

Anyway... I am now trying to figure out why I fell for her in the first place, why I went back, why I didn't leave when I found out she was talking to him again (about a month ago, though they had probably been talking for awhile by then), and why every relationship I've ever been in, with two exceptions, have been full of lies, manipulation,and betrayal.

On paper, the answer is simple: this is textbook codependency. I don't come into a relationship as an equal; I bend over backwards to please and never say 'no' no matter how overwhelmed or uncomfortable I am. The solution, on the other hand is... anything but simple. I'm working on my codependency issues as best I can, but my Asperger's makes it impossible to see underlying motives. In myself, in others, in the present, or in the past. I can't guess what a person is thinking, wanting, or feeling, which makes me easy prey for manipulative people, users, and narcissists.

How do I learn from the past if I can't see it clearly? How do I feel and express my emotions when I barely know what my emotions are? How do I set boundaries in relationships when I can't tell if those boundaries are being crossed?
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  #2  
Old Jan 17, 2015, 02:45 AM
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Crazy Hitch Crazy Hitch is offline
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Oh Richard, I feel for you, I really do.

I've read your story, I'm not you, and I feel sad just reading about all that you've been through.

It just isn't right and it just isn't fair.

You've been spun around like a hamster in a ferris wheel and tossed out at someone elses convenience.

You obviously care(d) deeply for her. And I think it's so admirable of you of how you were there for her kids. That tells me so much about you already and what a kind soul you are. So many people wouldn't do that, and I've heard stories. How lucky her kids are to have had you around. That's something that will never be taken from them, the memories and experiences and how you have helped shape and mould them too over the years, with, or without you having realised it.

I don't believe that you could have predicted this outcome.

How could you have forseen this coming?

Absolutely nobody would have.

It was her EX husband.

It is NOT your fault that you couldn't see clearly. It's her fault. She's the one that threw the curve ball into this whole thing.

I think you're disappointed. Disappointed at her, disappointed at the situation, and maybe disappointed at yourself by reading through your post.

The reality is, you have no need to feel disappointed in this situation. I don't actually think this was a codependency thing, even though you think it was.

You need to try shift past the mentality that this is the outcome of something you may have caused, bending over backwards, not being able to say no etc etc.

You did not wrong this relationship.

She's the one that has issues.

I'm sorry to be so upfront about it.

I don't even know her.

But I'm sorry, I have formed an opinion of her, based on how she played you for a fool.

I am really sorry for you.
Thanks for this!
RichardBrooks
  #3  
Old Jan 17, 2015, 05:22 AM
Anonymous100200
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I'm so very sorry for you and the years you put into having a relationship with this woman. I know how terrible it feels to be lied to, manipulated and stabbed in the back. It's devastating and I really do feel bad for you. It's unthinkable what she did and totally unpredictable. I don't understand how she could lead you on for 10 years and go back to him. I hope you have the strength never to go back to her again. She will likely try you know. Stay strong and get as far away from her as possible.
Thanks for this!
RichardBrooks
  #4  
Old Jan 17, 2015, 03:05 PM
Anonymous200200
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I'm sorry Rich. Being a convenience in a relationship is horrid and hurtful. She used you and still you're beating yourself up. I hope you find answers and comfort my friend. Love and Light
Thanks for this!
RichardBrooks
  #5  
Old Jan 18, 2015, 02:34 AM
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RichardBrooks RichardBrooks is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraD View Post
I'm sorry Rich. Being a convenience in a relationship is horrid and hurtful. She used you and still you're beating yourself up. I hope you find answers and comfort my friend. Love and Light
I'm not so much beating myself up as examining why I allowed this to happen. I let the relationship (with her and her kids) completely consume me. I let passions and interests and friends slip away. The first time I moved out, I found a box in the closet that was labeled in black marker: "[Richard]'s music, before (hername)". I hadn't even realized that I didn't listen to music I liked anymore; the only music that ever got played was hers and her daughter's. Now I'm not even sure what I like. I would like to sit down and play a guitar, but I sold all mine when I was with her because I never played them anymore. At this point, I'm afraid I've forgotten how to play.

So I'm also having to learn who I am and how to love and protect me.
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  #6  
Old Jan 18, 2015, 10:04 AM
avlady avlady is offline
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Location: angola ny
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yes you have to learn how to protect you first. then you can learn who you really are too. i would stay away from this person for good please please don't go back if she ever does it again. you have a big heart and it doesnt need to be dug out of your chest and stomped on anymore. you've had enough, enough is enough!!!!
  #7  
Old Jan 18, 2015, 01:16 PM
Anonymous200200
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Do you feel you have a fear of being alone? Maybe subconsciously? I hope you find peace through the trials.
  #8  
Old Jan 18, 2015, 04:03 PM
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AzulOscuro AzulOscuro is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
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Richard, I'm sorry you are going through it.
I'd like to tell you something for you to feel better but I can't.
I agree with what has been said about getting moré knowledge about yourself and caring about you before being with this or another partner.

Said that, you didn't do anything bad according to your experience. You simply falled in love and give love. Now, you have experience and know better than giving love is great but you have to keep a little of this love for yourself.
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