Hey,

I'm feeling really sad about the fact that my parents won't ever 'see' me.. They can't handle certain emotions, so they'll either ignore me or get mad at me if I express those feelings in their presence, or they'll try to talk those feelings into something they're not - they can't just BE there and listen. Such superficial relationships with my own parents when I can't share the bad times with them, only the good.. I know it's due to their own issues, but it kind of feels like they're using me, always expecting me to be in a good mood even if I'm not and take care of their feelings.. It sucks

Just needed to share..

[LindaLu]

Doa you have a lot of strength and insight to realize their shortcomings and face your disappointment honestly. I had a similar problem growing up and now years later getting therapy to try and forgive my parents (both now dead) and myself for making bad choices in reaction/opposition. I'd bet you have what it takes to be a deep and emotionally responsible person. Good luck in that journey.

Thank you, LindaLu! It hasn't been easy to accept things the way they are, and I've been sooo angry for a long time.. I went to therapy actively for three years and have since seen my T a few times as well as kept in contact via emails and text messages. This has changed my life, finally having someone I can trust to hear me out. Now I feel I'm finally able to start the grieving process.. The thing is, my parents aren't going to change, so I've got no choice but to accept it and move on.

[marmaduke]

Sounds like your parents might be like mine self absorbed (narscissists) mine never 'saw' me at all, never knew me, nor seemed to want to.
I didnt feel wanted or loved, sometimes I wondered------------------------------if I dissapeared woud they even notice?

I was fed and clothed but emotionally it was a desert, leaving me insecure and sad.
I have come to term with it now, accepted that they will never 'get it'.
It is a greiving process, greiving for parents that I never really had. Emotionally I am an orphan.

They are using you, but you have realised and identified the problem. Most people never manage this.
You can move on, that might mean not having much contact with them any more and making a new and better life for yourself.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Hey,

I'm feeling really sad about the fact that my parents won't ever 'see' me.. They can't handle certain emotions, so they'll either ignore me or get mad at me if I express those feelings in their presence, or they'll try to talk those feelings into something they're not - they can't just BE there and listen. Such superficial relationships with my own parents when I can't share the bad times with them, only the good.. I know it's due to their own issues, but it kind of feels like they're using me, always expecting me to be in a good mood even if I'm not and take care of their feelings.. It sucks

Just needed to share..

Sorry and I can very much relate , both my parents are completely emotionally unavailable and our relationship is very superficial. It sucks. My dad is also abusive and unkind

My t says that it is ok to limit my contact with them and they won't change and can't let it upset me all the time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

marmaduke and divine, so sorry to hear you've had similar experiences with your parents.. No one should have to go through that

marmaduke, yes, my parents are self-centered as well. It seems to me like they're still looking for the parent figures they themselves never had - while they kept me alive physically, I had to be their parent emotionally. That's so messed up! My whole adult life, I've felt like I don't get life - because I never had anyone as a child who I could have gone to and ask all my questions, no one to explain to me what everything meant!

A lot of what you wrote could have come from me.. I'm an emotional orphan, too. I don't think my dad will care much if I die before he does.. Why would he when he doesn't even know me! And doesn't want to.. Once, he sent me an email asking how everything was going. It started with, 'Just asking..' My therapist said it's like he's cutting himself out of the picture right from the start! Basically, it's him saying 'Not that I really care, only asking because I've got nothing better to do..' My therapist and I both suspect that for him, having a wife and kids means status - to him, our value is in him being able to call himself a husband and dad, but he doesn't want anyone near him, not really..

My mum would be sad, but not for losing me (since she's never wanted to know me either) but for what I did for her - sad for losing that compliant kid who would have done anything for her because I didn't know any better - or to be honest, I did know they were using me even as a young child but didn't dare admit it to myself, not really.. Too awful to realise your folks don't love you!

I'm really feeling their loss tonight.. How can two people be there, physically, right next to you, but not BE there at all!? What do they get out of that? What kind of life is that, never letting anyone get near.. I've been the same but it kills me, to be that scared that I can't let anyone get close - and I want to keep working on it all the time so that I'll be able to one day, as soon as possible!!! How can they have decided and chosen to live cut off from everyone their whole lives?! They must be sick..

Reeeally feeling the loss in my chest tonight.. </3

[divine1966]

So sorry...do you have siblings? Me and my brother are trying to be there for each other and have real relationship not superficial. I have real relationship with my daughter. And nothing of substance with my parents, so sad

I had to comment on you saying they are sick. Yes they are. My t says they are not well mentally speaking and not taking steps in bettering themselves so it is ok for me to limit contact with them
Hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you, divine!

I have an older brother but can't really talk to him about how I feel when it comes to our parents.. Or I could, but he wouldn't validate how I'm feeling. I tried once, but he just started going on about how hard our parents have had it and how admirable it is that they've come so far despite their hardships, and how we just need to take responsibility for our own lives.. I know my brother has had a different experience growing up with them because in our family, men have always been allowed privileges. I think my brother has less cause to cut his emotional ties with our parents because of that. My mum always used to say that her job would be done once she had managed to get my brother off to live in his own flat and leading his own life - never said the same about me, I guess she figured I'd stay with her forever. Yuck!