[indigo1015]

So, for the past month or so, I have been running a calorie deficit-- more calories out than in. I've been exercising five days a week for 60 minutes each time, consuming maybe 600 calories gross (not net, so that number doesn't take into account the calories I have burned doing said workouts). As much as I hate to admit it, the fact is it has impacted my overall health, and not in a good way. I haven't had a period since September, I have chest pains when I run, I feel weak and run down and my quality of sleep is dreadful. I'm very woozy and can't often think clearly. In light of all this, my nutritionist has restricted my exercise to 3 workouts a week plus 2 days of walking or some other low-impact form of exercise, at least until I am more comfortable getting my calories up. It's either that or go inpatient, she says.

As much as this upsets and scares me, deep down I know she is right and is just doing her job. My health is suffering, and I am very depressed. All my life I have yo-yoed between anorexia and overeating-- why can't I break the cycle? I mean, a few months ago I was losing weight like crazy but I only exercised 4 times a week for 60 minutes each time, and I ate more than I do now, although it was all healthy and natural food. What made me go over the deep end like this? I hate myself so much these days, and yet something deep down inside tells me that I should be kinder to myself. One thing that makes it hard is how people seem to think in my town; Fort Collins is a very health-conscious town, which in many ways is a wonderful thing because healthy lifestyle options are readily available for everyone. However, the views of some people make me cringe-- they are so judgmental and mean towards people who are overweight or obese, and having been in that position before, it stings for me. I know I can't change what people say or how they think, I just wish it didn't affect me so. I mean, screw them and their bigotry, right?

My nutritionist also says I need to trust more-- trust her but more to the point, trust myself. I wish I could, but I have no faith in myself... wish I could...

[sideblinded]

indigo1015, I was wondering if you could find a buddy to go on this nutrition and exercise journey with you? I have found that when we feel different or ostracized it helps to have someone there who understands our struggles and who can walk with us and you both can help and encourage one another. I have found that when I am depressed that I feel very cut off from people and it really helps to have a connection with someone who knows and cares about us.

I really hope that you reach out and see if this is a good option for you. I am glad that you reached out here and I wish you only the best. ((hugs))

[striking]

You say you were doing well at one point so you have it in you to succeed. So what happened and how do you get yourself back on track?

Your self perception is that of someone who is imperfect and therefore the mean-spirited and immature so these judgments and comments hit home for you? Would you say these people helpful or hurtful to your recovery?

[indigo1015]

sideblinded, that's a great idea, and I do feel very ostracvized and alone, as you have noticed. Unofrtunately, as I said, Fort Collins is a fitness-oriented town (which is a good thing in most cases), but it does mean that it can be tough to find others who are also struggling with this. I'm not even sure where I would look, any suggestions from other members on possible resources would be most welcome.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

indigo1015, I was wondering if you could find a buddy to go on this nutrition and exercise journey with you? I have found that when we feel different or ostracized it helps to have someone there who understands our struggles and who can walk with us and you both can help and encourage one another. I have found that when I am depressed that I feel very cut off from people and it really helps to have a connection with someone who knows and cares about us.

I really hope that you reach out and see if this is a good option for you. I am glad that you reached out here and I wish you only the best. ((hugs))

[indigo1015]

Hi striking,
I was doing well, I was losing weight but not too much, was very healthy and happy and enjoyed life. To be honest, I need to figure out exactly what happened-- like I said, I didn't use to be this obsessed and fearful. All I know is that I feel very alone and ashamed of this "secret" of mine. Not sure I understood your other question-- if you mean why the mean and immature comments of others bother me so much, that is because I used to be one of the people that their comments pertain to, and I still feel hurt by those comments. I mean, yeah they like me now, but how much would you be willing to bet they wold have liked me a few years ago when I was 220 lbs?

Originally Posted by striking

You say you were doing well at one point so you have it in you to succeed. So what happened and how do you get yourself back on track?

Your self perception is that of someone who is imperfect and therefore the mean-spirited and immature so these judgments and comments hit home for you? Would you say these people helpful or hurtful to your recovery?

[jaciRock]

Maybe you need to let go of who you used to be (overweight chick) and take stock of who you are now. Not healthy. Even if you can't find a buddy then keep posting here.

[striking]

You know what to do it to live a healthier lifestyle right? Putting your obsessions and fears aside, what do you need to do to accomplish this?

If the health of your mind and body is damaged by your relationships, you will need to make some decisions about what you value more. Agree?

If you want to keep these relationships, perhaps assertively requesting they refrain from these comments in your company will work.

[~Christina]

As I also have anorexia , It is a life long battle to keep everything in check. Most everyone falls off the wagon and slips back into it.

Honestly , unless someone has a ED its really impossible to understand how hard it is to stay on a healthy path.

I have many times been able to go years, once was even 5 years eating normally. But a switch was flipped and I feel back into the hellish world of eating disorder Anorexia.

Im currently working out of one of my worse episodes to date...I am 47 mine started at age 9.

I hope you have a Therapist than understands ED's and can help you to stay healthy mentally and physically.

I understand your struggle Feel free to PM me anytime.

[indigo1015]

Who I used to be is a part of who I am now, just because I was overweight before does not mean I was worthless. So no, I am not going to let go, what I have to do is figure out how to use the best of the old me right now.

Originally Posted by jaciRock

Maybe you need to let go of who you used to be (overweight chick) and take stock of who you are now. Not healthy. Even if you can't find a buddy then keep posting here.

[indigo1015]

Sound advice, thank you :-)

Originally Posted by striking

You know what to do it to live a healthier lifestyle right? Putting your obsessions and fears aside, what do you need to do to accomplish this?

If the health of your mind and body is damaged by your relationships, you will need to make some decisions about what you value more. Agree?

If you want to keep these relationships, perhaps assertively requesting they refrain from these comments in your company will work.