[H3rmit]

I feel profoundly sad, as I so often do. I often cry on waking or after I get to bed. Life has always been pointless, and I soldier on doing whatever I can.

I am married and I find our relationship difficult sometimes, like today. He can be so neurotic. I feel so unheard and invalidated sometimes. We talk, but he is weak and doesn't seem to get some things. Ever. It's been years.

I wish I had someone to help me, but no counsellor ever has. I can't relate to people well, nor they to me.

I do wish I had never been born. Not an unfamiliar feeling. I don't belong here. I have never belonged anywhere, except in my garden.

[sideblinded]

H3rmit, I hear you. I really do. I had an experience of pain that I just cannot fully explain. I was on the floor sobbing and calling out to my higher power to help me. (In my case, God) It was sheer agony and I had this outpouring of pain in the form of tears. There was no one there for me as I live alone and I have no relationship. I have a therapist but he is not that close to me. I was alone however, this experience of asking a power higher than me to help me......it changed me forever. I now know that I am loved as I see little things happening. There are now three new friend prospects in my life. I didn't see it happening slowly. The process was already occurring. I just began to see that (my God) was working on getting me the things that I needed. I am not here to push anything on you. I am only here so you understand that I understand your pain. I can feel you right now like no other..... I wish you gentle and peaceful blessings on your beautiful soul.

[JRIS]

The last part of your final sentence gave me a sense of hope. Fill yourself up with your garden/nature. It's real. Your plants may not have the consciousness for wishes to have not been born (and I've been there and I'll likely be there again), but they weather the storms and still they grow. They need water and sunshine and right now you need your garden. May it serve you well!

[H3rmit]

Thanks, JRIS. I live in Vancouver in an apartment, so garden season kicks in about April to October. In other words, you know how crap the weather has been here lately. At least I have a "happy light" lamp to do what good it can.

You're here therefor you belong here. Okay that sounds silly Still can be true.
Maybe you're one of those people that has to make a place for yourself.
Do you think you can enlighten your husband? Raise his consciousness?

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by George H.

Do you think you can enlighten your husband? Raise his consciousness?

I've tried. I don't know if he will ever be able to act on it consistently. I'm fed up. He is lousy at certain things that grate on me and spoil my day. He gets it for a minute or a day or at best a week, and then he for-gets.

When I say I don't belong anywhere, I mean generally no one wants me and there is nothing for me to do in this world, except take care of myself and mundane concerns, of course.

[Fuzzybear]

[Luned]

I'm sorry you feel this way. Marriage is difficult. Mine is too. I have tried to work it out and pondered over so many things throughout our years of being married, analyzed him and myself over and over and why things are the way they are. Then I just let go and accepted him for who he is. I found some things that make me happy and focus on those instead of my husband so much.
I wish I could ease your sadness.. somehow.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Luned

I'm sorry you feel this way. Marriage is difficult. Mine is too. I have tried to work it out and pondered over so many things throughout our years of being married, analyzed him and myself over and over and why things are the way they are. Then I just let go and accepted him for who he is. I found some things that make me happy and focus on those instead of my husband so much.
I wish I could ease your sadness.. somehow.

Hi Luned - thanks for sharing your experience on this precise topic.

There are indeed a lot of good things. I have chosen/had to accept a number of things that aren't my preference of course. He's an absent minded professor type and that can be maddening. I care about my surroundings and I like things put back where they came from so I don't have to play the where-did-it-go hunting game. I could say a lot more and I just deleted half a paragraph. I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

And something for the women's room, I suppose - he doesn't understand that smelling bad is a giant turnoff that doesn't disappear when he finally gets around to bathing. The chance of a pleasant day was lost in the reek. Nothing's going to "happen" after that! Fine, I married a European who doesn't believe in deodorant, but then ya gotta shower more often!

He's heard all this before. Other things are clearly more important to him, like his own comfort and convenience. He's not the least bit nasty about it, but it seems none of this stuff sticks in his head. And I feel disrespected. (He knows all this, too.)

Why the heck do (some) men think it's okay to sit around in undies all day?

And this is why coders may find it hard to get laid/married.

Getting into a bit of a rant here and finding it kind of ludicrous, really.

I'm way too patient and tolerant.


We both work from home the past few years, so it's not just focusing on him, but he is in my environment affecting it - polluting it, really.

Yeah, I need to find something to make me happy. I do not expect him to do that, at all. What did you find, if you want to say.

[H3rmit]

I feel so stressed. I don't have good coping mechanisms. Food is my only pleasure, and there's a limit to that. I don't eat enough to feel sick, but I can certainly overeat, and that is worse than pointless. I need some joy.

At least today I was able to laugh at myself and some of my ridiculous personal habits.

[hpark3]

I find joy in ones life comes from acceptance and self love. Don't see yourself as lacking or and outcast because we are all individuals and having different opinions and feelings is part of being an individual. Remember if you love yourself then you will also take care of yourself and running to food to any other vice is punishing yourself but you don't deserve to be punished you deserve to be loved.

[The_little_didgee]

I've realized years ago that searching for purpose and validation through others is the worst thing I can do because my expectations were unreasonable. I gave up on that and looked within myself to fulfill my needs. It seems to help me cope with my social difficulties and isolation.

Sorry, I have no other suggestions/advice.

[Luned]

I guess when you both work from home it can be stressful spending so much time with each other. My husband and I work both out of the home and the hours we spend together are limited. I can relate to the smelling issue, since my husband I guess can't smell himself at all and thinks that when you wears the same shirt and pants 5 days in a row it does not affect the way he smells. Also he has a habit of going to the gym and then coming back, soaked in sweat and passing out on the couch (he spends most of his time at home on the couch). I have told him several times that I have an issue with that as he makes the couch smell like sweat and body odor. He simply does not care. So I ended up covering the couch with blankets and use Febreeze to deodorize it frequently or wash the pillows covers etc. It's so gross to me!!!
I am much happier since I have started working and spending some time around other people. Apart from that I have started going back to school to work on my career. Kids are older so it's easier. And I am going to Yoga, run and go out with my friends sometimes. All these things have helped me feel better about myself and my life. It does not fix the things that are wrong with my marriage but I also don't focus so much on it anymore and I am all around happier. I guess I am kind of accepting how things are right now. It's not all bad but it's not great either.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I've realized years ago that searching for purpose and validation through others is the worst thing I can do because my expectations were unreasonable. I gave up on that and looked within myself to fulfill my needs. It seems to help me cope with my social difficulties and isolation.

Good if it worked for you, but are you also suggesting I'm searching for purpose and validation in others? If that is what you think, that's fine and I'm curious to know, but I don't think I am doing that. I don't expect my husband or anyone else to make my life worthwhile, but neither can I be a total hermit in this world. I can't seem to find something bigger than myself, as the saying goes, to connect to. I can't connect, but neither do I get any contentment from hobbies that I liked long ago.

[H3rmit]

Well, I've been taking some of the supplements that I used to for mood swings or sadness, and I feel a bit better. I'm still fed up with myself, though, and feel discouraged since I have so often tried to make changes and failed and so often sought joy and got nothing. I need better stress management. Meditating two hours a day in hope of great rewards is not appealing, even though meditating a little bit does help me.

[Luned]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. Have you tried yoga for stress management? I find it helps so much with overall well-being.

[H3rmit]

Luned, what sort of yoga do you recommend? I know a few basic asanas from childhoood, but I have never pursued it nor do I know anyone who can show me how to do it.

[Luned]

I actually like to do YouTube videos from home. They have beginner videos that are easy to follow. One that I like to do with my kids are the "Yoga with Adrienne" videos.

[JadeAmethyst]

Dear H3rmt,
Kundalini yoga may be helpful to try. I have used it and enjoyed the benefits, the breathwork is helpful. Long deep breathing to calm, and Breath of fire to energize, alternate nostril breathing. Please feel better soon, maybe take some walks or sit outside for a while in the fresh air.

I have my dogs for company and enjoy them so much. The garden you have sounds like it is your source of love and growth.

sending kindness to you
Jade

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Good if it worked for you, but are you also suggesting I'm searching for purpose and validation in others? If that is what you think, that's fine and I'm curious to know, but I don't think I am doing that.

No, that isn't what I suggested and think at all. Consider other possibilities.

Sometimes, I don't express myself well. I'm sorry.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

No, that isn't what I suggested and think at all. Consider other possibilities.

Sometimes, I don't express myself well. I'm sorry.

Okay, just checking. You did nothing wrong. Communication just requires checking frequently. Thanks.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by hpark3

I find joy in ones life comes from acceptance and self love.

Remember if you love yourself then you will also take care of yourself and running to food to any other vice is punishing yourself but you don't deserve to be punished you deserve to be loved.

Getting back to your message now, I'd like to ask you a couple of things.

Do you have any suggestions how to get to the state you describe in first line quoted? It's something I work on in meditation, and I feel great resistance. I never wanted a body, and I don't particularly think of it as myself. It's this nasty thing I'm trapped in and stuck with. Despite its relatively good condition as I'm a lifelong veggie eater and nonsmoker, it has really never worked right, to my mind.