[FairyLeaf]

The last few weeks have been really hard. Yesterday, after I got home from group that my counselor invited me to that he runs, I finally felt calm, collected, and in the present. I put something away in the bathroom ready to sit down and work on the things he talked about in the group. My roommate introduced me to one of his friends. I was too focused and had no interest.

She looks at me, gets excited, "Oh my god, you're so cute, awweeee, your so short," and jumps in the air. I had no time to process it and I dislike others treating me like a child and how short/tall I am. She walks over and grabs me, then hugs me, as if I've known her for years, and it was a tight/firm hug. I lost it. I got triggered.

"Unwanted hug! Unwanted hug!" I snapped. I walked forward and I blacked out. I remember I was shouting but everything went black.

I called my friend and explained what happened, she's never seen me act like that and get so upset. She told me to go swimming. So I did. It didn't help. Before I swimming I yelled at my roommate and I made the girl cry. I don't remember anything after that. I blacked out.

I called the police for them to take me to the hospital. I had a moment of wanting to end everything. The police came and took me to the hospital where the nurse told me if I get upset or feel unsafe to tell someone. I waited, really upset. I got triggered again by someone standing in front of me. I asked if someone could sit with me, that I felt uncomfortable and unsafe. She basically laughed at me and told me to sit down and wait my turn. I cried, sat down.

After awhile, I couldn't handle it, I was too distressed, I called almost all my contacts and sent friends messages, seeking support. I never do this. I got really upset and my friend told me to go back up and tell them. I stood there shaking. They dismissed me again, I even asked if I can talk to them in private. I swore at the nurse.

Security came, and at that point I was yelling, screaming, crying, I was distressed. They were going to escort me out of the hospital. So, I left. I left and called 911, I had no idea what to do, I was in a lot of emotional pain and I got rejected for asking for help and support.

I called my friend to ask if she can pick me up, so she got her flatmate to pick me up. Security came out and told me that the police don't want me to call 911 ever again. I thought they were going to arrest me.

I stayed with my friend for the night and went home in the morning.

People have told me if I feel unsafe or in danger to myself, to get help. That is what I did. I did that and no one cares they dismissed me like I am some ghost with no feelings whatsoever.

I am home, still distressed and very uncomfortable. I wanted the hospital to sedate me and I dislike medication. I knew what I needed, I needed them to sedate me because I was just not myself. I never yell or scream like that, and I rarely cry in public or act like that ever.

They knew I had PTSD because I told them. I got triggered and that is what brought me to the hospital. I don't want any help anymore, why should I go through that again? I tried, I asked for help. I asked if I can talk to someone without a glass barrier between myself and the nurse, something private. I called the advocacy office of the hospital and left a message. I'm explaining what happened and I refuse to receive any medical treatment, I am terrified. I am even terrified to see my counselor (he would never ignore me like that, he would help) but what the hospital didn't do and did do, it set me off. I don't trust anymore.

When I returned back my roommate told me I haven't been myself and was shocked that I acted out like the way I did. I threatened his friend, and I screamed and swore at her. I have no memory of saying those things. I made her go into a panic attack, twice. Have no memory of it. I don't rememeber anything after she hugged me.

I'll remain silent with my pain.

I am so lost. I don't know what to do.

[JJBX]

It's difficult to be in a position where you aren't functioning and you can't rely on a consistent response from people around you. That's reality though, a lot of people think they're caring, but you know, they don't know what that actually means. They've never had to be in a position to do something all that important for anyone else and they aren't always very good at identifying a crisis when they see one. I've had to bark at people for just standing around when major **** has just gone down because most people simply don't know what to do and I'm not alone in that experience.

I do think that it was stepping over a boundary asking someone at the hospital to sit down because them standing made you uncomfortable. I actually am a very caring person and I would have balked at that request too coming from a person I didn't know. That was a stranger and they aren't required to be nice or to understand anything. You making that statement could have even been a trigger for some unpleasant feelings for them. I know that wasn't your intention, but it is important to think about these things after the fact so that you can develop a plan for when you are in crisis mode.

Not all hospitals have a psyc ward and even the ones that do aren't necessarily well-equipped. Now that you're a little bit calmer, you might want to see if there are facilities in your area that you can go to for treatment. It sounds like you were in a bad place, they were worried because you were acting in a way that could be threatening (you just don't know these days), so they made a decision.

I think the focus should be on making yourself more independent with your symptoms. You need to be able to function without leaning on someone else when you start to feel symptoms being triggered. It takes a while to get there, but once you have tools you can use to manage your symptoms, you will certainly start feeling much more capable and confident. I certainly hated it when I felt like I had very little control over my PTSD and that it just ran amok all of the time.

Like, the unwanted touching, I am like that too. What I do though is I look for the signs of outstretched arms and I decide how much I care about this person's feelings. If I care at all about them, I bite the bullet and hug them (but I am very unhappy about it!) If I don't know this person, I will absolutely push them away or slap their hand if they violate the bubble. I do try to give a verbal warning first though, "No, I'm not a hugger, thanks. Ha ha" (Laughter and smile to make it less harsh) and if they insist, "No, seriously, please don't hug me." It will absolutely hurt a hugger's feelings, but you have to balance that with how uncomfortable the uninvited hug makes you feel. You do not owe any explanations for that. Just bear in mind that you will hurt your chances of a relationship with them if you reject their hug (though it might not matter).

For other triggers, you know, you have to try to confront them as best as you can so that you can function in society. I still get triggered at times and it takes deep breathing and the action plan I've been working on (sometimes with a therapist) to get through an episode. For social support, a wide net isn't necessarily the best thing in the world, but a few key people works great. My husband and my mother are my key support system and they keep me grounded and focused on recovery.

I have also found that, if you're comfortable, being very clear with what you need other people to do is best. Like I said before, most people don't know what to do in a crisis, so you have to spell it out. "I am in a crisis. This is extremely serious. I need XYZ." But keep your request reasonable. People can't stay up all night or interrupt their lives all the time. Your key support system should be people who ARE willing to put in a little extra effort when it's needed. Anything beyond them, keep it to simple tasks like "I need words of encouragement because I'm feeling very self-conscious about XYZ". Just realize that if people don't respond immediately, it could just be crappy timing. You also need to make sure you're not tapping that well too frequently because it becomes emotionally draining for other people. If you feel like some people are a negative influence or are just not willing to be part of that recovery effort, then either leave them out of that stuff or don't talk to them.

[Thunder Bow]

Time to change roommate, change friends, Change therapists, change hospitals and start over. The situation you are in is overwhelming you big time. Get out of that situation ASAP!

Originally Posted by FairyLeaf

The police came and took me to the hospital where the nurse told me if I get upset or feel unsafe to tell someone. I waited, really upset. I got triggered again by someone standing in front of me. I asked if someone could sit with me, that I felt uncomfortable and unsafe. She basically laughed at me and told me to sit down and wait my turn. I cried, sat down.

After awhile, I couldn't handle it, I was too distressed, I called almost all my contacts and sent friends messages, seeking support. I never do this. I got really upset and my friend told me to go back up and tell them. I stood there shaking. They dismissed me again, I even asked if I can talk to them in private. I swore at the nurse.

Security came, and at that point I was yelling, screaming, crying, I was distressed. They were going to escort me out of the hospital. So, I left. I left and called 911, I had no idea what to do, I was in a lot of emotional pain and I got rejected for asking for help and support.

I am so, so sorry you felt rejected and unsupported. Having been a patient in a similar situation--I overdosed and was brought by friends to the ER where I was incoherent and belligerent--I do understand how you feel. It made me reluctant to ever go and seek help again.

Having said that, I am going to speak from the other side. I also work in a hospital ER. I know...I was a patient and also work in one. It's actually the same ER, too. My co-workers have no idea--it was a long, long time ago, and I was probably not recognizable. And I'll never tell them. But the point is that there are a lot of patients who come in feeling the same way you did, and unfortunately not everyone has the same level of compassion and empathy. They aren't, for example, going to treat you like your T treats you. I agree with a previous poster, asking the staff to sit with you is stepping over the boundaries. Not only that, they frequently simply are unable to do so. It really stinks that there was no one who could be there with you; I've been there as well--my support person walked out as soon as I was admitted. But I hope you understand the limitations of the ER: you'll get help, but it may not be exactly what you want or think you need, especially if the situation is getting out of control. And they are unfortunately not there to provide therapy or specific emotional comfort.

[FairyLeaf]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I am so, so sorry you felt rejected and unsupported. Having been a patient in a similar situation--I overdosed and was brought by friends to the ER where I was incoherent and belligerent--I do understand how you feel. It made me reluctant to ever go and seek help again.

Having said that, I am going to speak from the other side. I also work in a hospital ER. I know...I was a patient and also work in one. It's actually the same ER, too. My co-workers have no idea--it was a long, long time ago, and I was probably not recognizable. And I'll never tell them. But the point is that there are a lot of patients who come in feeling the same way you did, and unfortunately not everyone has the same level of compassion and empathy. They aren't, for example, going to treat you like your T treats you. I agree with a previous poster, asking the staff to sit with you is stepping over the boundaries. Not only that, they frequently simply are unable to do so. It really stinks that there was no one who could be there with you; I've been there as well--my support person walked out as soon as I was admitted. But I hope you understand the limitations of the ER: you'll get help, but it may not be exactly what you want or think you need, especially if the situation is getting out of control. And they are unfortunately not there to provide therapy or specific emotional comfort.

I was doing what I was told. To tell them if my mood changes, that is what I did. Well no, they didn't seem to care but instead told me to sit down. I did that. I found other means of support, calling friends, texting friends, etc., then someone stood in front of me and it sent me back again into a horrible trigger. I was shaking. I've never felt so much physical pain from emotional pain before, I have to certain degrees but to that extreme, no.

The hospital is now under investigation.

I didn't do anything wrong and I'm feeling like I did something wrong. t

[Crow30]

Here`s my thoughts:

-No one can tell you not to call 911. If you have a valid reason, it is your right as a citizen to call

-I`ve noticed that hospitals like to get patients in and out quickly, especially the ones who are more difficult. This is very backwards. The patients in the most distress need to be there!

-If you have an episode in the hospital the medical staff should not take it personal, unless you try to harm them physically. I could understand that they want to be safe doing their job.

-Once you collect yourself, call or speak with the staff and say sorry about having an episode. Tell them you are just sick and lost control for a while.

-You are the best advocate for yourself. Only you know what`s going on in your head. If you feel as if they are dismissing you too early let them know that you don`t feel safe.

-In my experience I used to just go see my doctor, tell him the usual: depressed, anxious, etc. But I never stressed that it was very extreme. Sometimes you need to really explain how bad you feel. Doctors like to listen to what you say, prescribe a medication based on the info, and send you on your way. I wasn't responding to any antidepressants so finally I did research on my own and read about mood stabilizers. I asked my doctor if I could try it and he said yes. Simple as that. Now I feel better already.

-You should research mental illness as much as you can because doctors know all these terms for mental illnesses. So if you can say, `I read about this disease and I have a lot of the symptoms that describe it`

That`s all I have. I`m not sure if it is all relevant to your post because I`ve been spacing out, tying this and forgot a good portion of it. lol. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are feeling better and get whatever help it is you may need.

[vital]

Originally Posted by FairyLeaf

I was doing what I was told. To tell them if my mood changes, that is what I did. Well no, they didn't seem to care but instead told me to sit down. I did that. I found other means of support, calling friends, texting friends, etc., then someone stood in front of me and it sent me back again into a horrible trigger. I was shaking. I've never felt so much physical pain from emotional pain before, I have to certain degrees but to that extreme, no.

Hi FairyLeaf,

You called friends, but why didn't you contact your therapist when you got upset that way? I'll bet things would work better if you had a wise therapist who knows you who you could contact first rather than heading for the hospital.

- vital

[FairyLeaf]

Originally Posted by vital

Hi FairyLeaf,

You called friends, but why didn't you contact your therapist when you got upset that way? I'll bet things would work better if you had a wise therapist who knows you who you could contact first rather than heading for the hospital.

- vital

It was during the night when this happened. I had no way of reaching my counselor. The office was closed, I sent him an e-mail to let him know what had happened.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by FairyLeaf

I am so lost. I don't know what to do.

Maybe you can develop a crisis plan with your therapist so you know what to when your PTSD flares up. Learning how to manage it on your own and using community resources will help you a lot more than visiting the (nasty) ER.

Misskeena is right about the ER. The psychiatric service is usually very limited. They aren't particularly good at dealing with the type of problem you presented with, since problem solving/talk therapy is their weakness. The way you present also affects how they treat you and unfortunately your diagnosis. It would be better to deal with the type of incident you had with your therapist or people who know you and coping strategies than with strangers.

[Ruftin]

((((((((FairyLeaf))))))))) So sorry you had such a bad experience. I had a similar experience. Sending you a bunch of hugs.

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Misskeena is right about the ER. The psychiatric service is usually very limited. They aren't particularly good at dealing with the type of problem you presented with, since problem solving/talk therapy is their weakness. The way you present also affects how they treat you and unfortunately your diagnosis. It would be better to deal with the type of incident you had with your therapist or people who know you and coping strategies than with strangers.

Yes. I hope I didn't come across as insensitive. And as I hope I illustrated, I understand where you're coming from.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Yes. I hope I didn't come across as insensitive. And as I hope I illustrated, I understand where you're coming from.

Not at all. Your post was accurate. People need to know the truth about the ER.

[possum220]

I am so sorry you were triggered by somebody who did not respect your personal space.

I agree with the Little Diggee about having a plan in a time of crisis. I have a letter from my P'doc specifically for this and I carry it in my handbag at all times. It helps me to know that there is some-one who the ER will take notice of.

ER's know a lot about physical help but jack all about mental crisis.