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  #1  
Old Mar 04, 2015, 12:09 AM
Yismymindblank12 Yismymindblank12 is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: Cincinnati
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Ok. I've gone through hell all my life. I'm not coping if you read my previous posts you'll know, but I feel if the end of this pain will be when I'm dead. Then I just want to be here anymore.

I can't live and die in hell. If I have some control of the **** that I deal with at least how I want my happiness to be now and my own choice how I want to die. My final wish is not die in a hospital or in an nursing home I able to take care of myself. I believe suicide will do that for me when I'm ready. It may not be till 10 20 years. Regardless if it happens it happened how I wanted it to. That would make happy at my last moments.

You really need to see what I see. I can't stop crying now and I can't breathe I can't stop hurting so much. I try to make it easier and damn I just want to die. Please say whatever sentiment whatever you disagree and condemn me. Calling me a coward or selfish. I've been selfless all my life for ungrateful people who I never listen to. I'm a rebel because I like solutions over problems but I don't have any solutions so far and suicide isn't my answer for my problems but damn I really need someone to see how deprived I am here. Before they lose what they hurt the most.

When you're outcasted by everyone even family for silly reasons. I don't do drugs I don't waste my time in a hard worker and no matter what I give. I'm scorned and hated. I deserve no love it seems. All I feel I need to find something. Suicide wont help on many things but on one important issue of nulling my pain, but whatever happens happens. I can't live like this no one cares here. No one will. I ****ing love you and I ****ing hate you.
You didn't cause me to be like this I lost my way after you my family my friends my past lovers and my mother shown me how indifferent and selfish and hateful people can be.

Like one friend told me, they'll pity me more no one cares really. I hate you for reminding me this.

Damn my tears mu hyperventilating and my hell of losing my loved ones my own life 3 times and I hope to god I don't lose my ability to function if my body fails. I can't deal with this. All I hate to see my fog die the only creature who I call friend when he dies and when my last close friend moves away soon when my mother dies or when my parents lose it all and I'm homeless idk I don't need to worry but I'm prepared to die to escape to avoid hunger, frostbite. And my loneliness.

Last edited by Wren_; Mar 04, 2015 at 01:51 AM. Reason: Added trigger icon
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  #2  
Old Mar 04, 2015, 01:42 AM
striking striking is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 210
Give that love to yourself. Give your care, time and effort to those that will appreciate it. Has the idea of becoming a big brother or sister crossed your mind?
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Thanks for this!
Yismymindblank12
  #3  
Old Mar 04, 2015, 02:15 AM
Yismymindblank12 Yismymindblank12 is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 1,091
Yes and no. It hasn't crossed my mind how, but I wanted kids to learn early on what school can't teach you or wont tell you. What your parents should be aware how they raise their child. How everyone should go out their way when the feel they want to the most never stop showing they care. Appreciate what you've been given and only ask for more if you feel its right for you, but learn that everyone has limits. Show that women are no different from men. We all have feelings we are all human we are all capable of love but choose self destruction when the going gets tough. I'm not a quitter when said all the suicide people want to condemn they want to assume so quickly what they feel is right so everyone must have to feel the same way.
I would love to show no matter what anyone tells you can or can't do you have only yourself holding you back.
That if everyone wants you gone, you don't have to feel like that.

That never be ashamed of feeling. Too many people are ignorant and ashamed to love they turn to selfishness and hatred to show they have power when they are hollow minded. They only care about the day to day superficial in the moment losing perspective what a true here and now is.

That before you know it everyone can die possibly at any time for anything. You're never invincible that confidence won't save you from a 100 ft fall or getting shot.
That you have to be mindful. You can't throw things away but you can't lose hope you gotta stick together or else the hope will be lost.

Show that people are a cure and cancer too cab choose but if all we want to do is shelter the world from these things that happen and let "professionals" be the only support or love a family friends a wife husband bf gf could provide. Don't be crying if that boy or girl dues from a heroin over dose or suicide or whatever. Because you choose to turn him or her down when they are as much as a victim as you are.

I swear I've seen the shittiest this this society can reap and the worst isn't the bad things that happen themselves its the people who don't care to help or support anyone they cowardly hide themselves their children censoring that our government showed censor suffering.
To all those people **** you! You're the problem a big part of it. I can't say I love you and praise the lord, because I'd be a hypocrite. You know when I went to a church ceremony at some outing the thing that got on my nerves when people said something very hurtful and use God as an excuse to hurt me. People like that are stupid and ignorant some can admit it but most can't.

But getting away from that subject. My heart feels nothing but like a scared starving wolf who is very Leary of others. My neighborhood is full of heroin problems and crime. We have the emts pick up bodies once a week from overdoses.
**** I used to believe the people we were helping got support and love and everything. I was lied to big time. I'm now one of those people suffering from hunger and poverty how ironic but seeing that they continue to be mistreated harder that support I did. Did nothing or very little the food banks helped that's it. I do have a roof over my head and I'm happy with that but damn idk how long till we have to downsize to a cardboard box under an overpass. My parents took on this debt I suffer and my opportunities are shot till I'm 23. I'm sorry what kind of parent does that? Its not my parents are bad parents, but they are so irresponsible it makes sick all the time.

All I want right now is to hug my friend Alicia, I miss her so damn much. I wish she didn't got her bf so soon. My problems seem like a mountain to hers, but I'm sick if feeling she's letting me be some venting person. She didn't let me in I wanted to she didn't know I liked her even though I made it clear. She felt so bad her true feelings showed but she's happy with someone else and I'm on the sidelines like always. I feel if I died she'd be devastated, but I wish she knew how devastated I am defeated I am. I think she does but then again I doubt it. **** no one makes time out to see me anymore.

God I hope my death looks like an accident so people actually show their emotions instead of ********ting me. Always talking to me like I'm stupid or a dog. Some days I feel like id go columbine on myself and go in a public place to shoot myself up with bullets. **** I only wanted the attention of a pain constantly unnoticed how that their indifference to me is the problem not a part of a fraction of it.

Man **** making these posts anymore. All they do is keeping me wishing. **** it all fyck it all **** it all.
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  #4  
Old Mar 04, 2015, 02:24 AM
striking striking is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 210
Give this number a call.

Talbert House 24-Hour Crisis Hotline 513-281-CARE (513-281-2273)
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  #5  
Old Mar 04, 2015, 02:27 AM
striking striking is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 210
It is difficult to see that there are people that care sometimes. Give them a call.
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  #6  
Old Mar 04, 2015, 06:06 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 23,220
Honey there are people who care. I agree with striking call hotline talk to them ASAP. Are you in therapy? See a psychiatrist? A doctor? Are you in medication? Does your family know how you feel? Do you work? Can you work? How can we help?

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  #7  
Old Mar 07, 2015, 01:44 PM
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vital vital is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: Boston
Posts: 1,589
Just listen to this



- vital
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