[Depressedmominmo]

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Things have always been tense, for one reason or another. But recently it's become much more so. My husband has flown into very heated and hateful angry rants every couple weeks and I'm am struggling to deal with some of his comments. I will preface this by saying that several of his rampages were made worse by alcohol but todays' blow up did not involve alcohol.

I was married before but I lost my husband is 1995, I have 2 children from that marriage. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since his death. 2 years after his death, I met my current husband. We were both young when we got married, I was 21 and he was 19. Neither of us had the opportunity to experience adulthood without the responsibility of marriage and family. I am ok with this but he's recently revealed that he resents "knocking me up" and getting married so young. He feels that I smother him and I'm unsupportive of his desire to be more social. I have serious social anxiety and I have no real friends as a result. I don't exactly why I freak out when I'm in public, I believe part of it is that I am embarrassed by the way I look. But I never knew that my desire to be "homebody" was such an issue for my husband. Today he called me a recluse, and it hurt. Yes it's the truth but it still hurt. He says I keep him from his friends and fun things he wants to do. He says he always has to conform to what I want, of course I don't see it that way. He has friends over often. But I have to get up at 4am for work so I do request that his friends don't stay late (I find it ackward to go to bed when company is here). But I didn't think I kept him from his friends, in fact I feel that he has more "freedom" than I do.

This is just one of the many topics that come up often in our arguments. I know that I am at fault for 99% of the problems we have, no matter what I do or say I am wrong. He will never admit that he is part of the problem so of course I am the one who always apologizes and tries to smooth things over. But I'm exhausted and I just think I can take much more.

Our boys are 22-14 (only our 16 and 14 year old live at home). The two boys at home have seen far more anger and hate than I ever wanted. But I stay because I love my husband and I don't want to be alone. I am a clusterf*** of emotions and I just don't know how to process it all.

Is there anyone out there with similar issues? Please, I need to know that I'm not alone.

[jelly-bean]

There are not many things to be sure of in this life but you can definitely be sure that you are not alone. Have you thought about you and your husband going to a marriage counselor? That may help you. Also, you say that you are embarrassed by your personal appearance. Maybe if you make a concerted effort to change whatever it is that you don't like about your appearance it will help both your own opinion of yourself and your husbands as well. I wish you the best of luck.

[Thunder Bow]

Your husband seems a bit immature in his ways. A counselor may help.

[Depressedmominmo]

My husband is immature, always has been. Part of me loves his the childlike side to him, he can make me laugh like no one else. But there are times when I just want somebody to take over daily family reigns so I can take a step back...his immaturity doesn't allow that to happen.

[Butternut]

I feel for ya hun. I hope things are better today.

If I were you, maybe there is something you need to change first, are you showing him the support he needs? Sometimes spouses rebel because they aren't recieving anything from the other, and most of the time its uncontrollable.

Please take no offence, it sounds like you have a lot of inside pain, I understand that. But 17 years is along time, and i'm sure you want something to happen to help to stay together.

My suggestion, read "the five love languages" and figure out what language he is, and try to work with him.

Another, write down all the stuff you do. Grab a calender and everyday, list everything you do, EVERYTHING! from going grocery shopping, paying bills, taking kids to school, etc etc. When you write it all down, show him. Maybe he doesn't understand the true amount that you probably do for your house hold.

Maybe sit down and find out what your "freedom" is. Is it having him do the dishes, or you going to the store by yourself, or reading a book. Something. Figure it out.

You sound like a beautiful person, don't beat up on yourself cause it only beats up your inside and out. No one deserves that.

Compromise is the hardest in any marriage, for both parties.

Please keep updates on how things are going

[avlady]

you and your husband are probably going through the empty nest earlier than usual, you can see it coming. he will want more freedom and will have to decide what to do with his time, maybe he just want's something new. in marriages, i think we nee do keep things new and fresh, go out to dinner once in a while. i know my husband and i started seeing a band that a friend of mine is in and it felt great to be out of the house in a fun atmosphere differrent from home. i hope you can get counseling too. good luck