How do i change this?

I dont seem able to feel much, and the little i can feel is almost always on the negative range (boredom, irritation, dissatisfaction, detachment, disgust, tiredness, sadness etc). but always in a mild way.

i dont think i somehow block out the positive feelings, i just dont seem able to FEEL them.

there are a few things that do give me some pleasure (eating, my favorite shows, my cats, sports) but they feel more like a pause from the bad rather than something intrinsecally good.

this is causing me to lose my boyfriend. i dont want to lose him but i cant pretend happiness when i dont feel it. i do try but it feels like im performing and i cant do that all the time.

im losing my mind. what is wrong with me and how can i make myself feel (especially the positive feelings for him)?

any input will be greatly appreciated. thanks.

Hi there,

After reading your post, I was immediately reminded of this bit I came across years previously. It's about how the writer understands the dynamic of the addicted mind.

Grieving

Not saying you're an addict I just feel this dynamic might be applicable to anyone who 'has experienced many overwhelming sorrows without being able or without being allowed to process them. The pain that we experience is greatly due to preventing ourselves from feeling these sorrows.'

Does this sound like it could be you? You say you try to pretend happiness - is this something you've been doing for a long time? Maybe it's time to start talking about some of the things that might be bothering you. PsychCentral is a good platform for that, or if you have a trusted friend you could talk to, it'd probably help you greatly!

You may have mild depression. You might want to seek a therapist about it, if it becomes to over whelming.

I know from experience just how difficult it is to pretend you are happy in front of your boyfriend when inside you feel your world is crumbling down... I've gone through similar experiences where I hide from my boyfriend but when it gets too much I tell him, which causes him to worry, which causes me in turn to worry that eventually I will lose him so I tell myself to bottle things up better next time, and I do, until the cycle starts up again and seems to never end... You are not alone.

To me it sounds like maybe you aren't doing what you really enjoy in life.

Go out and do things that you want. If your boyfriend isn't making you happy, he's not than.

Your mind needs exercise as much as our bodies do. You know what happy feels like, but you're not feeling it, well practice happiness. How? By doing the things you enjoy, at least once a day.

It will still creep in, because its normal, but just keep doing things that do make you happy and you'll find yourself a happier person eventually.

anhedonia (/ˌænhiˈdoʊniə/ AN-hee-DOH-nee-ə; Greek: ἀν- an-, "without" and ἡδονή hēdonē, "pleasure") is defined as the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions.

One of the symptoms of depression.

I am experiencing that right now, and have been for a long while. Now I know what it's called.

You describe a lot of the emotions that I feel. I focus too much on the negative and "feel" less of the positive, especially on the downside. As BP mixed, I have my ups but as I do, I'm in the process of crashing into a brick wall.

Right now, I'm trying to slow my mind down and let life come to me. Instead of forcing the good, I just let it happen right next to the bad. I get in ruts and there seems to be a lot more bad than good in my life and that makes me angry, frustrated, and paranoid especially when I finish off my mania.

I also am trying to focus more on ME and less on what everyone else wants of me. So I'm trying to get more sleep, eat better, meditate, stick my face into the sunshine, and do whatever the bleep I want to do regardless of what people thing.

In closing, it has always been hard for me to accept that there might be a plan for me. It is ethereal, but maybe I can't control any of it. Who knows?

I hope my ramble helps.