[monkeybrains21]

I'm totally freaking out I have no idea what emotion I'm feeling other than panic (is that an emotion?). I decided last yr to not speak with family, cut them out of my life.

I put a trigger in this since it may trigger. So be warned may TRIGGER.

For those of u who don't kno my father is an abusive alcoholic pedophile. My mother completely submissive and dependent on him even though he has no income and she works 2 jobs. My twin dead. Older sister thinks she entitled and a princess. Fathers side of family new all the **** that was happening to me as a child and did nothin because they " didn't want to disrupt the family". Moms side clueless and were too far away.

So back to now. So I got a call from my parents last night. I didn't answer they left a message and of course I listened. I am waiting for the call that says they are dead. Anyways it was my father but he didn't say father he used his first name and sounded robotic. That's not the issue. As soon as I saw who was calling I starte panicking and I haven't stopped. It's been almost 12 hrs and I'm still in full panic mode.

I didn't sleep well last night either. I was up every hr and it took forever to fall asleep and only did cuz the meds make me tired and eventual I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm not sure what to get from this. Perhaps I'm just venting.

I do have a question though. After my parents using and abusing me all my life and I stopped talking to them, why do I feel so bad? It's not like I care about either of them. In fact I fantasize a lot about their deaths and how free I truly will be.

[gayleggg]

I think that the phone call brought up a lot of hurtful memories to the surface again. Are you in counseling? If not you might want to consider it. That kind of childhood abuse is hard to deal with on your own.

For now find something you enjoy doing to take your mind off this phone call. Maybe you should consider changing your phone number.

Also, vent here as much as you need to to work through this anxiety/panic attack.

If you need to talk privately, I will be glad to listen, just PM me.

[Curry]

I am sorry your parents hurt you again. I found my parents can always reach me. The other day my Mom phoned for my birthday and talked to me. She is an alcoholic and has spent the last twenty seven years telling all my relatives what an evil heartless daughter I am who ruined any chance of her happiness and made her an alcoholic. She stopped talking to me for years but managed to convey her poison through family members. So we finally had a nice conversation and that is what hurt the most - that she is incapable of giving real love and warmth. I really would have like to be surrounded by love and hugs - and this was my crime, that I always dreamed they would come if I just asked the right way. I must say I am now having more success asking other people than my Mom for warmth and hugs.

[monkeybrains21]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I think that the phone call brought up a lot of hurtful memories to the surface again. Are you in counseling? If not you might want to consider it. That kind of childhood abuse is hard to deal with on your own.

For now find something you enjoy doing to take your mind off this phone call. Maybe you should consider changing your phone number.

Also, vent here as much as you need to to work through this anxiety/panic attack.

If you need to talk privately, I will be glad to listen, just PM me.

I did have a T but de said something that trigger my anger and irritation and it was like a switch that u can't flip. I left. It's been almost 2 months. I can't change my number I use it for work. I can block them. I've thought about it but something always holds me back.

[Thunder Bow]

Even if your parents died, or were abducted by space aliens, you would still feel the same inside yourself. That is why not talking to your parents did not help you much with all your feelings. You are still in family process with your parents, you did not escape.

[Crazy Hitch]

I have not read all of this as you have it marked with a trigger but I just wanted to acknowledge that whatever your source of pain is, I am sorry that you feel this way.

I hope you find some comfort soon

[monkeybrains21]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I have not read all of this as you have it marked with a trigger but I just wanted to acknowledge that whatever your source of pain is, I am sorry that you feel this way.

I hope you find some comfort soon

I always put a trigger when I speak my story even when in general terms. I never kno what may or may not trigger someone so if rather be safe than sorry. I don't believe what I wrote was triggering to the majority. There really was only one word that was of concern so I triggered it.