[circles5]

Hi,

a few days ago i had a three hour session with an esteemed pychiatrist.
as usual, in my experience; pychiatrists are very to the point, and not always very emphatic. This However has helped me far more than i would ever have imagined.

however i'm kinda hurting,, emotionally; i feel more than a littlle bruised.
-> i know it is not what this forum is about...
but i've since the appointment begun tapering of Benzodiazepams (as advised {safely})

So that^ and i'm trying to stop smoking tobbacco at the same time,, I know this is a very tall order,, so the smoking may have to wait..
--
Now meds/substances aside

>

She asked me really cutting questions, and challenged all of my beliefs and while it's been quite liberating and empowering,, i'm really upset.
that in a way is the intended outcome, i think..
Being upset was inevitable, but it's when i decide to 'get even' that is the ultimate goal.

She asked me questions such as: 'why do you think the therapies haven't worked in the past,, your still ill, what would be any different in having more therapy - you've had enough CBT - what's the point in having more..?'

Now she was playing me, trying to coax out an answer.. and i didn't at the time have one; she even quaified - 'dont tell me that your problems are too severe'
She was asking more along the lines of: was it a lack of comitment?, do you actually want to get better?, were you to anxious to do the 'homework / application of what you've learnt' outside of the theraputic session/setting.?
e.t.c

^ i just can't get my head around it,,, i've always avoided thinking about things that deeply as it really upsets me,, i much prefer my little bubble.
Not that i don't want to be better, i just "can't do emotions" not negative one's anyway,,,, so i go to pretty extreme lenghts to avoid them: not limited to gaming for 13+ hours a day, or using drugs to numb everything...

i'm now ready to step outside my shell,,, or at least make a start.
But i feel bare, and i'm tearing up pretty much non-stop... emotionally painful..
(i felt like this during the appointment (before withdrawing , and since... this isn't just the withdrawal)

i've got so much incorrect thinking to shed, and bad habits to change...
I have i real sense of urgency, as i now know what i need to do,, but the biggest question she asked me, that i mentioned above..;
'Why.... Why haven't things worked / why didn't the improvemts i made maintained'
I still have no answers for.

all i can do is start to make changes,, but I Want to know why,,, and it wasn't an answer the pych knew,,,
Why is a tricky one.

anyhow, thanks for reading.
sorry i've kindo've been just writting down my thoughts in this post..

anything but used to feeling like this, i've kept myself as sheltered as possible.

Regards,
Circles5

[avlady]

she was probably testing you to see if you are capable of these sessions, if you really deep down inside would help yourself too. she is not the one who has to do all the work to fix yourself but you have to want it too.

[circles5]

thanks avlady, that is very true.
part of the problem,, that i did discuss with her is a have a 'bad person complex'

My dad has pretty severe NPD,,, and has really damaged our whole family...
him being my male role model,,,, has led to me being terrified of being like him..

i've for a long time 'not wanted to get better, as than i'd just be better able to hurt'
which is an incredibly destructive way of thinking, and shoots myself in the foot in terms of any chance of recovery..
My thinking is broken,,,,, i really do want to get better - but i don't know why i can't change the 'top of the pyramid'......
i seem bound by certain beliefs and thoughts which keep me from lasting recovery...

Hi Circle,

When I started reading this, I thought "this person must be in the UK" and I checked, and sure enough, you are. Do they train your mental health personnel to be confrontational there? I have read posts by several people on PC who have had similar things said to them by their docs.

In your case, the way you describe it, the doc sounds like she was trying to get you to think, and not just trying to be "mean". Nonetheless, I'm not surprised that you're feeling raw.

I think that you are determined and tough to go through this kind of session and to come out of it resolved to take actions for improvement.

Are you scheduled for any psychotherapy in the future? If you are going to be making lots of changes, I would expect you'll need someone to talk to about it.

I imagine you know that you're taking on a lot by starting a benzo taper and stopping smoking while you're feeling bruised and raw and trying to figure out what you do next.

I don't think I could do all that at once. Maybe I could have when I was younger and physically able to do heavy exercise, which was how I handled extreme anxiety then.

Why does the psychiatrist want you to do the benzo taper right away? Just wondering.

You said:

i just "can't do emotions" not negative one's anyway,,,, so i go to pretty extreme lenghts to avoid them: not limited to gaming for 13+ hours a day, or using drugs to numb everything

To me, that sounds like a roadblock to progress. Could that be your "why"?

I don't know that CBT is necessarily going to help you with learning to let yourself experience painful emotions, though. I probably shouldn't say that. It's just that when we are avoiding feeling, I think a gentler, more coaxing type of therapy is needed..

Learning to experience our scary and uncomfortable feelings can be a bit like the first steps in learning to swim. Finding out that, yes, you can put your head underwater and live through it. It may be unpleasant and feel unnatural at first, but the more often you do it, the easier it will become.

Sometimes we don't know "why" until after we've solved the problem or changed the behavior. At least, I find that's true in my case. It's not very satisfactory for the rational part of the brain.

I'm still feeling worried about you tackling all these changes at once. You are the one who is able to decide if you feel like you can do this, though.

Are you going to keep a "progress diary" for what you're doing? (I need to be doing that myself.) I am trying to slowly lower my benzo dosage, and it would be helpful if I wrote down how it's going.

Two weeks ago I had three very stressful things happen in three days, and I went back to the previous higher dose for a week, and just dropped the dose again a couple of days ago.I should write that down, because I will forget it.

I apologize if I've repeated myself. I can only see a 2" high box that I'm typing in. I scrolled back and re-read, but still.

I hope you'll post more here and let us know how things are going for you.



Jo.

[hpocus]

When I have someone confront me like that, I end up flipping right back around to where I started. Slow gentle nudging can get my thought process to move.

I just ended with a therapist who decided in the end to take my slow progress personally. She decided that she was the only one who could ever have a chance to get me to change, and since it didn't work, she was going to push me right back to where I was when we started. And she did it. I basically wasted a year and a half. Oh well, right?

[Thunder Bow]

It has to hurt if you are going to heal. Also you have to want to heal and be an active part of your own healing. This is typical of Therapy. I think you will do well with this doctor.