[Scribbles22]

I'm 24. I'm bipolar one. I grew up in a family of suppressed emotion. My dad had severe OCD and depression/ mood swings. He was all about maintaining: He had to be the fatherly figure, he had to be authoritative. Back in the 1950's and 60's, there wasn't as much support if you were an emotional guy. You were expected to fill a role. He did what he felt he had to do and I respect him for it, but when it came to me and my brother, he felt like he failed. He went to work and when he came home he pretty much wouldn't talk to us. He would ask us a few direct questions and then he would turn on the television and tune out. He always stood with the family and was true. He was dedicated.

I've adopted his coping mechanisms. I may not agree with the traditional family and think there has to be much more give and take. Roles aren't black and white and shouldn't be, but when it comes to my emotions, they get pushed to the wayside.

I have had a few good relationships, a couple of which had true potential, but because of bipolar on top of having the tendency of pushing people away when they get to close, have failed. I have difficulty making and keeping NEW friends. I have do have a circle of friends, thankfully. I can have a great first impression of a new friend, but won't follow up, for as many reasons as i can come up with. When you have trouble expressing your feelings for the people you genuinely care for, it's like being in a prison. A prison that's painful, but comfortable at the same time, because no ones going to call you out for this or that, but mainly hurting people's feelings, which I'm a pro at by the way.

I consider myself positive, but I ride myself hard all the time and do not seem to get where I want, moreover know what I want. Accessing my needs and desires seems impossible, with all my emotions pulling me here and there, but generally downward.

What are some good ideas for me to be more gentle on myself and on those that i genuinely care for?

[healingme4me]

Perhaps with your therapist work on your communication styles with others? Negative self talk, takes time and effort to rework negative self talk to rational self talk, an ongoing process.
As far as hurting others feelings, finding literature to read, reflect, implement on the difference between healthy expressions of dissatisfaction and unhealthy expressions. One assets personal preference, the other judges and shames and is sometimes classified as controlling. For those close to you, still, can they help with an honesty that points out when mental filtering lacks during mania or depression of your bipolar illness?

[Scribbles22]

Thank you. I am working on getting a new therapist now that I have moved.
My self talk is brutal. I love my friends, but most of my friends seem to have made pretty happy lives for themselves...I not so much. I flunked out of college twice before I had my first two episodes. I sometimes make situations to be ashamed of on purpose. The berating does not end. Most of this year, suicide was the #1 thing on my mind. So, sometimes I don't feel comfortable talking about depressing things with my friends. I know that's what friends are for, but I don't want them to think I'm a sad sack.
I know I'm not, have had made great strides keeping the jobs I have had, but my last job I kept for two months, was too stressful, so i had to quit: I worked hard, made good connections and said they'd give me references. I feel no shame about that. Now I moved in with my parents and am just trying to relax, while make a game plan for what to do next. Suggestions of any sort would be wonderful.

[healingme4me]

I hear what you mean about not wanting to put upon friendships when feeling as low as your depression is. It's really difficult when out of place with personal expectations such as a college degree and moved away from parents. And it's certainly tough to try a new field of employment when depression has sunk in.
When considering career, what types of expectations are you placing upon yourself? What was the last job? What was the stress? The people? The tasks? The management style? What type of busy work do you need to keep yourself focused and your mind occupied? Some like offices, some prefer busy work with hands, etc. Sometimes one needs to work around their weaknesses, in order to get through each workday. Some need a lot of guidance/directives, some need space and autonomy. Looking at work, in that capacity instead of if it pleases the masses, helps, because it's about treating yourself right before others. If comfortable in your own skin, it's easier to find yourself a couple of years out, reexamining if a change is necessary, helpful, and available.

[healingme4me]

I wanted to add these articles, about work. Had remembered reading them and felt they might be worth sharing, with you.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jmaureen...inkId=15648077

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/06/06..._r=0&referrer=

http://www.forbes.com/sites/cameronk...-paid-50-less/

[Scribbles22]

Hey! These articles are great. Thanks! I started working at the local golf course when I was 16. I loved it, for it was. College came around and I was a mess. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but everyone else was doing it, so I felt it was in my best interest. I gave it two semesters and split. I wasn't focused. I was a mess. The golf course paid more than most coffee shop gigs, and I really liked it so I stayed...for 7 years. My boss let me work when I wanted, however many hours I wanted, but this year I just didn't have it in me to stay and I didn't wanna let them down, so I gave my notice after the winter. I'm starting to see my future in a more mature way, like some guy said in one of those articles, manual labor doesn't stimulate your mind. My pay went from 8.50 when I was 16 to 11.50 now that I'm 24. :/. Thats a long time, but I'm starting to think out of the box. I need something hands on, but something that has changes and requires training. It's just the, spreading out, taking advice and buckling down when I find what i want.

[Scribbles22]

*changes, as in variety