Everything's basically pointless

! MAY CAUSE TRIGGERING !

! Long long story alert !

! But god, I beg you of your time to please take a few minutes to read and help me !

To be completely honest, I am completely exhausted. Drained, even. I could feel my very core and soul giving up on me. I'm drifting in and out of normal consciousness. Do you get what I mean? It happens on every hour of the day. On a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like a normal pessimistic cynic, on other days I feel odd. I don't know how to explain it, really. I just feel as if I'm not thinking straight. I'm not crazy or delusional, though. Maybe it's just the emptiness screwing with my feelings, I guess. Not to sound cliche by using the word "empty", by the way.

Anyway, here are a few important things you need to know before you test my sanity. I'm young, and I am extremely hoping that none of you will judge my feelings based on my age. I know what I feel. And I know whether or not these are just a part of my "phase". I started feeling this way since I was a child. Around eleven? And now, I'm fourteen. To be frank, I am afraid. I thought this sad feeling would pass, considering the way I grew up. I was thrown back and forth between being abused, and being cared for. My family and relatives are kind, but dysfunctional. Many things have occurred in our family and let us just say that they've been one of the root causes of my depression and anxiety. They alone have made my soul tired. And my school? Oh, they've kept me happy (but they too, have their own flaws.) the longest. Unlike schools in America, we have our own classes in which we spend with our own set of classmates for the year. We have our own class officers along with batch officers. Sports fests and different activites that happen annually. It was a busy and advanced catholic school. And I liked it. But it's gotten to the point wherein our freshmen topics have become more advanced than people who are in their junior year in other schools. And our school is the only school in the city who makes their fourth year students do thesis'. It's way too advanced. It's driving me crazy and it makes me feel pathetic and utterly dumb. I always thought that people have it worse. But at this point, I've lost any kind of sympathy I've had left.

To cut it short, many many things have happened to me, ever since I was young. Do not get me started on my two cunning, wicked, and absolutely lazy siblings. These may sound... not bad, at all. Because many have gone through the same thing. But like I said, I've gone through much more than this. And please do not think that I am bragging. Dear God, it has taken me a large amount of courage to do this. Because I want help. And my family certainly aren't the type of people who would accept their own family member being like this. They have too much pride. So I have no one to turn to. I want help. i want my own therapist. I need it. I need to know. Is what I am feeling normal? Even with the amount of trauma that I've experienced?

I've gone through anorexia, bulimia, major depression, and a few others. Right now, I go back and forth between wanting to kill myself or just losing hope in everything that exists around me. I used to cry to bed every time for two years and now, I feel like a damn robot and I hate it. I am happy around my friends. They are so oblivious and even with their own family problems (which are still functional, thank goodness.) their worst issues are problems between friends or with their love life. Be it someone backstabbing the other or someone losing their trust in their partner. Utterly normal. I feel normal when I'm with them. And helping them when they're upset gives me comfort. I don't know why though. Is it joy in giving happiness to someone I find special? Is it because my own advice comforts me? Because I hope my words will help them not be like me? I really do not know. When I'm with them on other days, I feel empty. Gone are the laughter about silly things or fussing over homework that shouldn't even be given to us until we are on our fourth year (in other schools.). I feel like I don't belong. I doubt they would judge me. But you see, I've always been the innocent type. For every bad thought, like if I thought someone was weird or ugly in my younger years, I'd beg for God to forgive me. Same whenever i'd get annoyed with my parents. If they did something bad to me or if anyone did anything bad to me for that matter, I'd literally pray to God for him to forgive them, fix them, and to give me strength. Which I still do. But I mostly pray or beg for him to give me courage and strength now. I have faith in god. But sometimes it dwindles. I pray for him to give me a sign sometimes. Doesn't really work but I have many years to go anyway (If I live that long.)

I am a very forgiving person. And I put up with a lot of **** but people are making it incredibly hard sometimes and I just cut them out of my life. it's one disappointment after another. Another trusted friend who has betrayed me. Not serious stuff though, like them calling me extremely bad things behind my back. It's just immature things, since they're so young (I know, I'm young, but gah, forgive me if I'm wrong but I feel like I'm way too mature for them. Sometimes.). But I get disappointed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not all that dark and mature all the time. I do not try to be that way for the sake of impressing others. I would gladly stay childish if I could, and sometimes I still am. I laugh at freaky weird things and I am definitely still a fan of Winnie The Pooh. I love reading "bad boy meets good girl and falls in love" romantic stories and I love playing video games. But here's the catch to all that ****. Deep down, in the end, they're all just activities to pass the time with. I don't have a long term goal that is serious. I only have a long term goal to get rich and buy whatever I want for some temporary happiness. But at the end of the day, **** man. It's all pointless. We're all going to die. I've experienced my fair share of happiness, as well as pain, that's for sure. So, what now? I don't want to be here anymore, so why am I still here? I don't feel joy anymore. Maybe happiness, but it disappears as quickly as it comes.

At first I thought I was just bored. But then I recognized that feeling, the feeling that a lot of people older than me (at the time) talked about. The feeling of being empty, of always being unsatisfied, of never being enough, of being hopeless, and that feeling called depression.

I was in denial. For a long time. Even when I turned to self harm. I thought "No, I'm just twelve. I'm just thirteen. I can't be depressed." I was incredibly stupid, and I probably still am. I read all the symptoms and hell, I even self harmed. No **** I was depressed. I've pondered over it many times but I always thought that I was too young. Until one day, , then after a lot of struggle and cover ups. Here I am. I became scared of blades or anything sharp (even forks!) for a year before I recovered. But I could still feel my scar throb every time I think about what happen. I stopped self harming, did it again, then officially stopped. I don't know why I didn't want to go yet during that time. I didn't know why I was so desperate to survive. But I think I remember one of the main reasons, which was my friends.

I have a thing that I assume is social phobia. While I am outgoing (lmao as if) with my group of friends, being alone makes me want to dig a hole on the spot and stay there forever. (Luckily, i have companions every day, but it is inevitable to be alone once in awhile.) Presentations make me want to cry and well, anything that averts attention to me makes me want to cry basically. But like I said, I've learned to put a leash on my emotions. When I'm alone I basically think everyone's judging me or wants to stab me, I don't know man. When I'm not in school, I could feel everyone smiling and spreading around how amazing it is now that I'm not there. But you know, i get through. Too troublesome to confront them about my feelings. I hate drama. With a fiery, burning passion. Might as well leave it as it is and save myself the trouble, am I right?

And now, Everything is worse and i'm just a dead shell, patiently waiting for my death. My motto when doing something that's risky is "We're all going to die anyway." Meaning, I wouldn't really cared if I died. But yeah, still, I want my death quick. I am no longer confused. I am no longer in denial. And i have learned to lock in my emotions. I don't cry anymore, which is a relief. I've finally understood of hating the feeling of being pitied.

There is, in my opinion, no hope for the world, and its inhabitants.

Many other things have occurred but I am getting extremely tired of typing. Sorry for my little lie for when I said (Or, well, typed.) "Here's a 'few' things you need to know" But alright, anyway. As you can see, I am not cold hearted. Or mad at the world. Well I am. But I just don't show anyone how dark and cynical I am deep inside. Because trust me, that takes way more effort. Sorry if this is long. I'm planning on just doing this in one go, I'm too tired to keep making post after post about my each and every problem and to be honest, if I weren't this lazy, each post would be this long. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am furious. I am afraid. And I have all but yelled at God, saying, "Take me away, damn it! There is nothing here!" Why look forward to another day when it's just a normal same day, with a few changes to the flow of events. Why look forward to happiness when you know you're not even genuinely happy? Why do things that won't even have any significance at any point in the future. I already feel like ****, all the damn time. And everyone on this Earth will never be totally pure and good once they become teenagers. This is what we've become and I've tried so hard not to become like this. I wanted to stay happy about... well, everything. But eh, now, I'm not boo hoo. Now, I want to die, too bad. I'm just so numb. And exhausted. I've been upset over this so many times that I just simply feel the sorrow but... eh. I'm neutral now. My eyes, brain, and everything about me is exhausted man.

I'm an accomplished girl, with a knack for many things. A jack of all trades. Pretty good at sports, got a few awards on my shelf. Pretty decent musically, self taught myself how to use guitar. Average intelligence, maybe slightly higher than average, been class president and academic awardee way too many times. While my family is far from being normal and well 'nice', I still have one. I have friends that, even with my social anxiety, actually like me and have said "I am so grateful to have a friend like you" maybe more than a few times. I've worked hard and have come such a long way from two years ago. Which was a time when I've begun hanging out with the delinquents and started to skip class (They're not bad people by the way, and they're not known for being bad too, they're nice, but maybe a little rowdy.) and I've always sought out anything that thrilled me. Now, and last year, I've recovered bit by bit and I don't hang with them anymore (we're still friends though) and it's just a casual student life. I guess, you could say I'm a normal student now, I'm done messing around, too lazy to run from teachers now hah.

But I still don't quite understand. Like i've said, i've dealt with so much and I've been blessed with so much things after I worked for them and now, i'm still so... empty.

Why the **** is that.

I've worked so hard. But every single day I find myself wanting to just disappear more and more.

Every day, I feel worse and even more numb. I don't feel like a nice person anymore and that's one of the things I hate the most. I want to go away. There is no purpose in this life. I'm one out of a billion. My future isn't bright. Considering the fact that each country's economy would most probably hit a down low in maybe several years. Or that corruption would simply ruin everyone's lives or maybe a large meteor will destroy the Earth, I don't know. i know my future isn't good. Whatever. And to be honest, even if it will be... still, whatever. I have no care in the world. We're all just doing everything to simply 'feel' emotions at the end of the day. It's pointless. I don't want to wait till I'm old. Staying here makes me feel miserable. Very unbearably miserable. And I've lost all my motivation. I've lost my care and inspiration in many things. **** doesn't phase me anymore. The worst thing could happen, like i could be kidnapped and threatened with a gun pointed at my head and I know that without hesitation, I'd take the gun from my kidnapper and just finish his job instead. I'm done.

I've seen, heard, and felt almost everything good and bad on this earth. I am not exaggerating. I know I keep rubbing it in your face that I've experienced a lot and it's not something I like to brag, okay. i just want to make sure you're not underestimating me and what i feel. I know what I feel. And I want help. Well maybe not. I don't know why I'm even bothering. Or maybe i do. ****, I don't know anything anymore man. But I think this is the right thing for me to do. Maybe.

**** everything I just - ****! I just simply can't handle this anymore. I have had a fair amount of breakdowns in the past, the fact that I can't even ask for help from anyone here is beyond me. Anyway, I'm hoping someone could just help me. Sure, give a piece of your advice, I don't care. Thank you for your time. But you know, any other suggestion to pass my time with could be cool. Anything. I am desperate, actually. Everything is unbearable when I have nothing to do or nothing to accomplish (even if it's small, like finishing a book) Anything for anything for me to not feel the hollowness of my soul. I hate feeling this way. Makes me just want to walk somewhere and shoot myself. So, I don't know. I tired practically everything already, I have nothing now. I have lived for others and I have tried living for myself but it's no use. I literally got nothing.

No family. (in a sense)

No friends. (I have no true friends. Screw the human population. Drama queens walking the Earth who are too lazy to do things themselves and never thinking of each other. I'm done with them. I'm done with me, most especially)

No home. (I had many incidents where I was about to run away, you know, packed bag and everything. But then again, the trouble I'd go though would be exhausting. Still considering it though. Maybe when I'm older.)

No mind. (I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm a walking contradiction. A paradox, even. Even I don't what the hell I feel)

No soul. (Bro, it's dead. I just live or rather, "survive" as some people put it. I laugh and smile. But they're never real, you know? I mean, they are but deep down, you know it's not? I don't know, maybe I've just gotten so good at pretending, I don't whether or not it's real anymore. Whatever man)

No body. (It doesn't feel like it. Feels like I'm caged to be honest. Don't know why. It's a weird thought. You're probably thinking, why would you feel restricted by your own body? Well dude, I don't even know myself.)

No voice. (Psh, like I can even have an opinion on anything. Pointless.)

I just want to go away. Maybe be sucked into one of my favorite stories or books (I pray to God about this, to be honest.)

So, there. I've opened myself up to you, dear reader. Help me out a bit, yeah?

If one of you say that this is just a phase or that I don't know what I'm feeling, I'm going to lose it. I've been told that quite a few times and it makes me want to bang my head on a wall. I am tired, hurt, angry, sad, screwed up, tired, exhausted, and done.

There. I don't know what to say hah

Someone help me please.

I'm an older woman now (57), but I can relate to what you're going through because I've had similar experiences and feelings about life. I know what you're feeling is excruciating and real, but it serves to move you forward in life. When I look back on the very dark moments and emotions of my life, I can see where it served to give me the strength I needed to face my future obstacles.

My life did NOT turn out as I'd planned - not in the least. I'm terminally ill now (amyloidosis) and removed from society (homebound). I never got what I wanted, and now it's too late. Oh well - as a bumper sticker once said "Man Plans, God Laughs."

I worry about the expectations, burdens, and pressure placed on kids like you these days. As hard as it was for me back then, I know it's tenfold for you.

You have a bright mind and a place in this world. Your mind, your body, your soul and your life may not be what you want but it's all you have. During times of despair, try your best to be good to yourself. Avoid causing harm to yourself or others - it's an unnecessary mess that can only lead to deeper despair and a much greater burden on your already overloaded shoulders.

At your age I was crushed by life as well. Yes, it is real and I do understand your suffering. As I look back I understand that I was a very sensitive and perceptive teen who was far too intelligent for my own good. Unfortunately I turned to drugs to silence my grief which made everything much worse.

I knew I would never live to see 18 but...somehow that happened. Then 21... Then my life took an amazing turn. I got help for my depression and my drug use. I did whatever the professionals told me to do, I made a conscious decision to have hope (even though I didn't believe in "hope" for someone like me.)

It worked. I've had an incredible life filled with success and love. I've always suffered from depression, it's never gone away but it was manageable for most of my years. Life has been well worth the effort it has taken to manage my depression. You are MORE than your depression.

It CAN get better. Find your champions who will help you. Believe it is possible to feel better and hang on to that hope. Be willing to do whatever it takes. Follow instructions. Don't do anything that will make it worse! There are people who do understand what you are going through and will help if you ask.

Take care my young friend. The world has not abandoned you. You are important and can make a difference, believe that! Let us know how your doing OK?!

Thank you for posting your "thesis" here. You are an advanced writer!

I see you got much going for you here. Now make a list of the good things about yourself. I see you got much intelligence going for you, and you write much better than I do. You are placed in the right kind of school.

You are feeling worthless because of the situation you grew up in, and you seem to have a good handle on it for someone your age. You even got a better handle on it, than most adults do. Seeing a counselor will help you sort things out about yourself. Learn about Who You Are, for you got much going for you.

Hi….. I read your intro here with interest and with sadness. You are an amazing person and mustn’t put yourself down like that. First thing first, feeling you need to cry, when attention is averted to you is fine. It is a perfectly normal and reasonable emotion. I understand completely when you say think everyone's judging you or wants to stab you. My mum once said to me … “You really are amazed when people like you, aren’t you? You don’t understand it do you?” You say you have learned to lock in your emotions, and you don't cry anymore. If anyone has a problem with you crying, it’s them that has the problem. You are simply showing you are a gentle human being.
<<There is, in my opinion, no hope for the world, and its inhabitants>>
There are many bad things in the world, and cruel and uncompassionate people in this world. There are also though many beautiful people, and we must never forget that.
<<I am exhausted. I am sad. I am furious. I am afraid. And I have all but yelled at God, saying, "Take me away, damn it! There is nothing here!">>
<<Now, I want to die, too bad. I'm just so numb. And exhausted. I've been upset over this so many times that I just simply feel the sorrow but... eh. I'm neutral now. My eyes, brain, and everything about me is exhausted man>>
Life can be exhausting. We need to be strong though. I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say, but you have qualities, and are a sensitive and caring person, I can tell that.
Like yourself, I am blessed with many good things, but still feel, in many ways, empty
You sound very angry. I have felt I have no true friends. Not enough people in this think of each other, but there are some. You are one of them.
You do have a mind. You speak with sincerity and from your heart. That is no bad thing in anyone.
You do have a soul and a body. No, it’s not pretending. You are speaking from your heart.
No voice? Uncaring people won’t listen, but good people will, and will recognise you for who you are. I want to listen, and want to be a friend – a sincere friend – and am sending you a friend request accordingly.

Of course it’s not a phase. I understand, I honestly do…. I want to help…. I am here if you wish to chat to me. I want to be a friend.