Hey,

Just need to share how I'm feeling at the moment.. I'm grieving the fact that nobody cared about me when I was very young. Not my dad, not my mother. And they TRULY didn't care, it's not something I only imagined.

Also, ever since, my godparents (the only other adults in my life I could talk to) nor friends believed me. They kept saying it can't have been that bad. These days, I've stopped talking to them - what's the point when they won't listen.

Just feeling really sad about all of this right now could use hugs!

[IrisBloom]

I don't know if you are in therapy, but this is the purpose of it: To be able to talk about those things and feel validated and not be judged or denied. Close family or friends might not understand where you are coming from. There is a concept called "the inner child". We carry our inner child throughout our lives, but the good new is there are things you can do to help heal yourself and bring comfort to the child you were. I can look up links to some articles for you if you want.

Remember, you are a survivor. The very fact that you can talk about it now is because you were stronger than you thought you were. Healing is a long process, but you can do it.

[avlady]

yes, you are a stronger person for going through it. i hope you can find someone who understands. all of us here do, i'm sure. we all have our different problems. we can overcome them by talking them out.

[mindmechanic]

It's a downer when others do not validate your experiences and feelings. IrisBloom is right about therapy and this forum being the place for your feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged and validated.

Often times, it's difficult for others to believe how rough our situation was. Most people tend to say along the lines, "They're your parents after all - they must love you." Sometimes what we really need at the moment is for someone to just sit and listen. So share or vent away if you want to.

Aww, thank you SO much for all the hugs and for the replies! I'm in tears here :') thank you for caring!

Yes, I saw a therapist for three years until I lost my job due to physical illness and couldn't afford therapy anymore. This was right around the time I'd come in contact with my grief, so the process got halted.. My therapist has agreed to remain in contact with me via emails and texts and even see me if I need it even though I can't pay her right now. Lately, though, I've started to feel like even she's getting fed up with me..

But thank you, I'm going to keep posting here and thank you SO much, IrisBloom, for reminding me I'm a SURVIVOR. So often I forget when I get into this desperate state where I feel like no one understands me - I start feeling like a victim and like there's no way out. But I've already come through SO much, I'm not going to break now!

Mindmechanic, exactly.. What I most often get is my friends telling me, 'But your parents did this and this and this for you, so it's obvious they love you!' And I'm left thinking, 'But they also did THIS which I just tried telling you about - and THAT was not love, not by a long shot!' But I guess people have their reasons for not wanting to hear someone out..

Oh, and yes, I've done Inner Child work both in therapy and on my own. It's been really difficult as I learned as a kid that I was COMPLETELY unacceptable, so for twenty years I did everything I could to keep my truest self hidden. At the same time, though, I had this awareness that it was really my parents who were in the wrong for not accepting and loving me. Now, I should let other people come close so that they could show me and tell me I AM lovable, so that I could TRULY learn it on an emotional level - but it's SO hard when, as a child, I learned people will hurt me.. But not everyone - gotta keep reminding myself of that..

[marmaduke]

d.o.a
Know how you feel, no cared for me either.
You are survivor tho, and can learn to love yourself, I have. You are not faulty, you are likable, lovable.
Your parents were faulty not you.

marmaduke, I'm SO sorry you had to go through the same.. But SO glad to hear you've learned to love yourself

I feel that as part of the grieving process, I need to start sharing some specific incidents from my childhood that I don't think were handled right..

This one memory has, for some reason, haunted me forever even after I've talked about it in therapy.. I was maybe around six years old. I woke up during the night to a sound coming from the far end of the house. I'll always remember thinking it sounded like a turtle dove. Now, I didn't then and still don't have the faintest idea what a turtle dove sounds like, but I'd heard the word in a film I'd seen and felt my native language equivalent for it was so beautiful that it stuck with me..

I think I tried going back to sleep at first but the sound kept me awake. I grew more nervous as to where it was coming from. A couple of times, I got out of bed and walked towards it, but got scared and went back to bed - until I finally managed to make my way to the other end of the house.

It was my mum crying. I just had time to ask what was wrong before my dad got there. In a quiet and constrained voice, my mum told me to go back to bed. My dad asked her what was wrong with her AGAIN, and she exploded. As I stood there, she got up and started SCREAMING at my dad. I still remember her face, she was LIVID.. I felt as though I left my own body.. Then I walked back to bed where I lay awake until they stopped rowing.

I feel SO sorry for myself that I had to be in the middle of a situation like that (and so, soooo many other rows.. constantly being woken up in the night..) I feel I should have had another adult there with me, someone who would have taken me away from that situation (and maybe even yell at my parents to try and make them see what they were doing to me!) - I actually went through this situation with my therapist and imagined my dead godfather appearing and carrying me to safety.. But the thing is, it DID happen - all of it happened, and there WAS no one there! For years and years and years! I'm SO sorry that I had no one - so sorry I had to go through all that.. So sorry there was no way out..

Another incident that came to my mind today - I was 17 and about to attend the school prom. My mum made my dress, and one day we went underwear shopping. The fitting rooms in one shop didn't have locks on the doors, so I asked my mum to 'stand guard' outside the door as I was extremely sensitive and dreaded someone barging in. Once I'd got changed, mum opened the door a little so she could see if the new bra would go with the dress. She loudly exclaimed, 'My God, your breasts really are so small!'

I was shocked and felt a little humiliated. I think I just huffed and puffed a bit and told her to go, but afterwards, I felt really lousy about it.. What kind of a mother says that! Idiot..

Also, on the day of the prom, I had my hair done at a hair salon and it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. It made me look like an old lady while my friends were cool and contemporary. On the way home, I phoned my mum to tell her how disappointed I felt. She was on edge and wouldn't listen, just snapped at me that she probably wouldn't get the dress done by the night - yeah, it still wasn't finished.. Then I got stressed out about that as well.

When I got home, I couldn't help breaking into tears as I thought my hair looked so awful and I was dreading being laughed at once I got to the school.. I tried to save what could be saved by sticking more pins in my hair while crying in the bathroom. My mum had a fit, raging at me to pull myself together and stop messing up my make-up, and 'Oh, so now you're not going at all!?' F*.. What a great experience, cheers for that, 'MUM'..!

[H3rmit]

>What kind of a mother says that! Idiot..

Yes, I'm rolling my eyes at that one. Idiot, indeed!

I'd like to hear more from marmaduke about learning to love oneself. Something I need to improve on.

Good you are talking about these things as they are bothering you from the inside. Our parents usually are unaware of the bad feelings they create inside us because of their screaming, bullying, critiques and coldness. They think if they buy you food and cloths, then you will be fine. I hope you will find a way out of this and be the person you want to be regardless of your childhood.

[Twinstar]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

I don't know if you are in therapy, but this is the purpose of it: To be able to talk about those things and feel validated and not be judged or denied. Close family or friends might not understand where you are coming from. There is a concept called "the inner child". We carry our inner child throughout our lives, but the good new is there are things you can do to help heal yourself and bring comfort to the child you were. I can look up links to some articles for you if you want.

Remember, you are a survivor. The very fact that you can talk about it now is because you were stronger than you thought you were. Healing is a long process, but you can do it.

Dear IrisBloom

Could you forward me links to articles on Inner child healing you had mentioned?
Thanks in advance.

[IrisBloom]

I will research and post them shortly

[IrisBloom]

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child | World of Psychology

Loving the Wounded Child Within - HealthyPlace

Here are a couple you can use to start. I'm sure there are a lot of books on the topic if you buy books. Good luck to you