I give up on myself. I give up on my life. I'm so tired emotionally. I feel like I have nothing left to give. My life has been on a downward spiral for the last four years, and as much as I've tried to stay positive about it, nothing's changed.

I'm tired of pretending. With my parents, I pretend to be positive. I have to pretend, because it worries the crap out of both of them when I drop the act, and just be me. I pretend with my one true friend, because if I were to reveal how truly sad and hurt I am inside, I will bring down said friend's mood, too.
I pretend with myself. I pretend with myself day in and day out. "I'm ok,' I say. "I'm happy with the way my life is". Smile. Fake it until you make it. I'm happy. The truth is I'm not. I'm sooooo freaking unhappy, so broken, tired and sick of feeling this way!!!

The worst part is that I know I've been trampled by life. I know that I'm laying face down in the dust, but I've lost the will to fight. I've lost the drive, the desire to stand up again, and make it through another day. The urge to curl up into a ball, cry and wait for the end is stronger than my desire to keep fighting, keep living.

I'm hurting inside. I'm lost. I don't have in me to pretend otherwise. Not anymore. I no longer believe I'm worth fighting for. I'm not worth saving.

Distraction no longer works for me. I've been binging on books, tv series, fantasizing. I've even tried throwing all my energy into focusing on someone else's hurt. All of it is wearing thin. My thoughts, my feelings, my hurt still comes through. I can't fight them back anymore. There is only peace when I've taken more pain killers than I should have to knock myself out.

I want the pain to consume me. I want them to finish the little strength I have left. I want it all to end. I don't care what happens anymore. I'm passed caring.

How do I start finding a reason to want to live again? How do I get myself to keep fighting? How do I get myself to care about me again?

I don't know anymore. I just don't know...

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by Yezeena88

I give up on myself. I give up on my life. I'm so tired emotionally. I feel like I have nothing left to give. My life has been on a downward spiral for the last four years, and as much as I've tried to stay positive about it, nothing's changed.

I'm tired of pretending. With my parents, I pretend to be positive. I have to pretend, because it worries the crap out of both of them when I drop the act, and just be me. I pretend with my one true friend, because if I were to reveal how truly sad and hurt I am inside, I will bring down said friend's mood, too.
I pretend with myself. I pretend with myself day in and day out. "I'm ok,' I say. "I'm happy with the way my life is". Smile. Fake it until you make it. I'm happy. The truth is I'm not. I'm sooooo freaking unhappy, so broken, tired and sick of feeling this way!!!

The worst part is that I know I've been trampled by life. I know that I'm laying face down in the dust, but I've lost the will to fight. I've lost the drive, the desire to stand up again, and make it through another day. The urge to curl up into a ball, cry and wait for the end is stronger than my desire to keep fighting, keep living.

I'm hurting inside. I'm lost. I don't have in me to pretend otherwise. Not anymore. I no longer believe I'm worth fighting for. I'm not worth saving.

Distraction no longer works for me. I've been binging on books, tv series, fantasizing. I've even tried throwing all my energy into focusing on someone else's hurt. All of it is wearing thin. My thoughts, my feelings, my hurt still comes through. I can't fight them back anymore. There is only peace when I've taken more pain killers than I should have to knock myself out.

I want the pain to consume me. I want them to finish the little strength I have left. I want it all to end. I don't care what happens anymore. I'm passed caring.

How do I start finding a reason to want to live again? How do I get myself to keep fighting? How do I get myself to care about me again?

I don't know anymore. I just don't know...

Hi Yezeena...

We all wish we could hug your pain away, we really do.
I’ve written a few thoughts below, some may be applicable others may not. If nothing else, know that we care.
The first thing we need to know is that you are safe? If you are not safe, then you need to do something immediately, even if it means informing your parents. or ringing a help line. Don’t worry about their reaction, you need to get yourself into a safe place, and they will recognize that. Even if they don’t, you need to do it for you. Are you safe? And have you removed the pills from temptation?

How do you find the reason to want to live again? My Psych would tell me that the answer comes from within, from ones core beliefs and desires for life. Phoey I say to that. For me, finding the reason to live again? There has always been that little voice in the back of my head, sometimes ever so quiet, ever so small, hardly distinguishable voice that tells me that “I want this to get better, I don’t want to give up”. It is that ever so little voice that has lead you to write what you have above, for you know it is there within you.

But it is so tiny and so small and so broken that you cannot see how you can ever be healed? I can so understand.

Just like a small fire, the small voice called HOPE that lives within you needs to be nurtured and fed healthy information in order to grow. I applaud you for the mind techniques that you have already used, and yes distraction is a huge one. Radical acceptance is another wonderful tool. I must admit it has taken me quite some time to master this, and it is still a work in progress some days, but Radical Acceptance is just that. You take your problem, say being out of work, and literally in your mind say “thank you brain for bringing that to my attention” and then you put it out of your mind. You decide that there is nothing you can do right at this point in time to change your circumstances and so you just acknowledge the problem and then dismiss it, not to be thought of again until it needs to be.

It sounds like a load of hogwash, but it does work with a little practice. What it does is stops a million thoughts racing around your head all at once, rather, making you stop the thoughts one by one, examine them, determine whether they are in your control or not, and then put them out of your mind in the sense that you no longer need to think about them because you cannot do anything about them.

You will probably find there are only a few predominant thoughts that are continually running around in your mind. Try examining them, Are they real? Are they based on fact or emotion? If they are based on fact, is there something I can do about it? If they are based on emotion, “IS THIS THOUGHT HELPFUL?” That is a really important one. Is this thought helping me? If the answer is no, then why think about it. Recognize that your brain is trying to trick you with faulty thinking. Tell it to stop. Replace the thought. Do you have a happy place? Go there, do anything but let that unhelpful thought run around loose in your mind. Again, it sounds so simple, yet it works. It is not going to work straight away, but it will given time.

What you need right now more than anything else, is to let yourself grieve. You have been holding in so much for so long that you are literally worn out from holding it in. I am going to assume that you cannot get any MI help where you live. Is there anyone you can talk to? PC is a good place. And we are really glad that you have opened up and poured out your feelings here so that we can help. You mention a friend, have you tried talking to them? What about writing? Typing out a letter such as you have here is a fantastic way of letting the pain out. OR write a letter and burn it, or screw it up in the rubbish, tear it with anger into a million baby shreds. It’s a symbolic way of taking control of those feelings and obliterating them because of the hate and loathing you have for them. Have you tried either of those? Running or physical exercise is good, but it is easy to turn those things into ways of punishing yourself, and then they become counterproductive. Somehow you need to let yourself grieve and to let out those emotions.... if nothing else, please keep posting here so we know you are ok.

How to care about yourself?
It is not easy to think good about yourself when you see your life laying at your feet. But, how much of that life around your feet did you actually have control of? How much of it was a deliberate act on your part? More than likely none of it. If that is the case, then you need to be careful not to link your self worth with where you are in your life. The two are so different. A millionaire might be the biggest mongrel you will ever meet, whereas a tramp might give you the shirt off his back. Which has greater value in your eyes? You need to look at yourself with the same sort of perception as you do others.

How do others view you? Your friends? Those in the community? What does your CV say about you? School reports, college reports? I am sure there are things written in them that tell of your true values and attributes.

Caring for yourself will only come when you can see hope. Until you see hope, routine is your biggest friend. Getting up going to bed, eating, washing, showering, walking the dog, going to the library....these types of things when included in a routine will keep you from shrinking your world. It is very important that you try as hard as you can to get yourself up and keep moving, no matter how small the accomplishment, it is still an accomplishment. Reward yourself when you do something good. Write it down and put it up next to a mirror so you can look at it, remind yourself of your achievements.

If you cannot find one good reason to care for yourself, then consider
– will this end the pain, or will it merely pass it onto someone else? Is this a permanent solution to a temporary problem?

Don’t let the pain win. It wont stop the pain, it will give it to someone else. Trust me, there would be those who would be devastated without you in the world. Someone here on PC once wrote someone else “You are irreplaceable, even if you don’t value yourself”. It is so true.

You said that your life is so like it was four years ago, and that you have been on a downward spiral since. Is there any chance you get to see a Pdoc? Even getting some help at the local emergency ward from your hospital? Don’t be afraid to turn up there thinking you have to have two arms falling off before they will take you seriously. MI is a very real and very life threatening issue. They should be able to help by referring you to someone who can help. A phone crisis centre should also be able to help you in the same way.

The having to pretend, that one is really hard. For a lot of us with MI is unfortunately comes with the territory. For some, you know they won’t accept you unless you are wearing a mask. For others they don’t want to know. For yet others you feel compelled to put on the mask to save them the pain which you are feeling. And those masks take up a lot of energy. Do you have to wear all of them? The one at home, yes I can understand that. But outside of home, when you walk the dog, when you are online here on PC, do you use those opportunities to just let yourself be you? To let out the anger and vent and rage and all those bottled up feelings? I wish I had an answer for the masks, but if you have a family that lacks empathy then you are in a difficult position.

What is the worst that would happen if your family saw you without the mask?

The reason I ask, is that they maybe holding off getting help purely because they think you are coping better than you are. And you are thinking that they don’t care.....just a thought?

If you do nothing else, if you read nothing else remember this – Please - Never make decisions based on emotions.

We’re all here to help if we can. Please let us know how we can help and how you are. Be well, be safe, and may you find peace and tranquillity. God Bless xXx

[SeekerOfLife]

{{{{{{{Yez}}}}}}}

[Georgia Bridge]

I remember reading a post written by someone named Kyle. In this post he tells us that we are worth it. I agree with him on this, Yezeena. And I couldn't stress this enough either: You're Worth It! Also like he says... no, this is not a cosmetics ad. ❗❗❗. 💝❗❗❗.

[IrisBloom]

Yez, I've been there a couple of times. I came to the conclusion that I don't want to not be here, I want the pain to stop. They are two separate issues. I know it can feel like the burden is too heavy to carry any longer. But the very fact that you have carried it for so long shows how strong you can be. You can get past this!

[SeekerOfLife]

Yezeena,
I just wanted to come back and say a few words. You are special to us here. You are worth whatever effort it takes to get well, be well, stay well. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I do not have the gift of just the right words. Let your heart lead you. If you need to cry, do it! If you need to just sit and allow yourself to truly feel the pain bottled up inside, then do it! I spent many years of my life bottling up so much hurt and pain. I could not let myself think about it, examine it, or feel it. It may sound odd to allow all that hurt to flood over you. It has helped me heal (I am still healing).

[IrisBloom]

Originally Posted by SeekerOfLife

Yezeena,
I just wanted to come back and say a few words. You are special to us here. You are worth whatever effort it takes to get well, be well, stay well. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I do not have the gift of just the right words. Let your heart lead you. If you need to cry, do it! If you need to just sit and allow yourself to truly feel the pain bottled up inside, then do it! I spent many years of my life bottling up so much hurt and pain. I could not let myself think about it, examine it, or feel it. It may sound odd to allow all that hurt to flood over you. It has helped me heal (I am still healing).

Yea, Seeker, you just summed up my experience too. Just like extracting a bad tooth. The "fix" might be very painful but then you begin to heal.

Yez, You are a very special person to all of us.

[Georgia Bridge]

I can't say it so good like they are... they right in my experience too though... hope you're ok... maybe you sharing with your friend wouldn't bring friend down so much... maybe friend would want to know so friend can help..

[vital]

Originally Posted by Yezeena88

I give up on myself. I give up on my life. I'm so tired emotionally. I feel like I have nothing left to give. My life has been on a downward spiral for the last four years, and as much as I've tried to stay positive about it, nothing's changed.

I'm tired of pretending. With my parents, I pretend to be positive. I have to pretend, because it worries the crap out of both of them when I drop the act, and just be me. I pretend with my one true friend, because if I were to reveal how truly sad and hurt I am inside, I will bring down said friend's mood, too.
I pretend with myself. I pretend with myself day in and day out. "I'm ok,' I say. "I'm happy with the way my life is". Smile. Fake it until you make it. I'm happy. The truth is I'm not. I'm sooooo freaking unhappy, so broken, tired and sick of feeling this way!!!

The worst part is that I know I've been trampled by life. I know that I'm laying face down in the dust, but I've lost the will to fight. I've lost the drive, the desire to stand up again, and make it through another day. The urge to curl up into a ball, cry and wait for the end is stronger than my desire to keep fighting, keep living.

I'm hurting inside. I'm lost. I don't have in me to pretend otherwise. Not anymore. I no longer believe I'm worth fighting for. I'm not worth saving.

Distraction no longer works for me. I've been binging on books, tv series, fantasizing. I've even tried throwing all my energy into focusing on someone else's hurt. All of it is wearing thin. My thoughts, my feelings, my hurt still comes through. I can't fight them back anymore. There is only peace when I've taken more pain killers than I should have to knock myself out.

I want the pain to consume me. I want them to finish the little strength I have left. I want it all to end. I don't care what happens anymore. I'm passed caring.

How do I start finding a reason to want to live again? How do I get myself to keep fighting? How do I get myself to care about me again?

I don't know anymore. I just don't know...

- vital

A progress report: we're ok. I'm ok. I'm not 100 percent yet, but there is a definite improvement in both my mood and my thoughts compared to what they were like three days ago.

I'm extremely grateful to all of you who responded. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Thank you for your support, advice, hugs, for sharing thoughts and your experiences to help us through. Most of all, thank you for being here for me.

Take care. .

Regards,
Yezee and alters.

[SeekerOfLife]

I, too, have had times of total despair.