"Should"

It's Sunday afternoon, and I have to say it's been a really nice weekend for me. Yet all of a sudden I find myself being depressed by my life. I shouldn't feel depressed-- I have a good job and a place to live, I am recovering steadily from an eating disorder and am getting my health back, I'm starting to make friends. But all that doesn't seem like enough, because out here in this part of the USA people are surprised when they learn that I am almost 30 years old and not married and that I have no kids from a previous marriage or otherwise. I feel like some kind of freak when they try to hide their surprise with an uncertain, "oh, okay!" and that uncomfortable smile they always do. Seriously, what is so horrible about having gotten this far with no kids? And OH MY GOD do I hate that question I always get on websites: "How is a woman like you still single?" Taken literally, it's a perfectly innocent question. but the underlying implication is that for me to still be single, there must be something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with someone who is single, and for the record there are numerous reasons to explain my current status-- having been in school for a long time is one. Having been financially unstable is another. Being incredibly sick and in recovery from physical and emotional trauma, having severe social phobia and living in 3 different states and 1 other country within the last 5 years are additional reasons. And then of course there is another important reason, which is that I do not want to settle for a relationship that I honestly feel will not last, or one in which I will be treated badly. That's why I have turned down 4 marriage proposals-- one guy, I learned, was already married. Another was abusive. The third lived halfway across the world. And as for the fourth, well frankly we were both really drunk and it was the first (and last) time we met (employee BBQ).

Sorry to ramble about this but I really needed to just vent about how it bothers me... also about how I worry that, at 29-3/4 years old, maybe I really won't ever find someone who is right for me. And all those implied "shoulds" hanging around me right now-- I should be married, I should be helping out with kindergarten school play costumes, I should be pregnant-- are really stressing me out. I DO want to fall in love with a great guy who will fall in love with me back, and ideally we will have a family together. But am I running out of time, or worse, is it too late for me???

You know, if you were living somewhere like a large city right now and had two or three lovely children, people would be whispering "OMG! She must have started having them when she was a child!" They would be horrified that you had children at such a young age. Late 20s or older would be considered a normal age to start getting married.

So much of what people think about you is based on what's normal for the area where you live. It's also based on how open-minded people are to people who don't have exactly the same life path as they do, and I see from the info. on your profile that you're in one of those parts of the US that is known for being family-oriented and conservative.

I don't know how locked in you are to where you live. If the pressure to conform is really awful, it could be worthwhile checking out other parts of the US where you might feel more at home.

I sure heard that question a lot of times when I was younger. I think most people do mean it, if anything, in a complimentary sort of way, but I know what you mean about looking "beneath" the question and wondering about yourself.

Really, though, it's rude for people to even ask that question. It means that 1) they don't know that they should mind their own business, 2) they aren't stopping to think that whoever they are asking may not be able to have children and that their question may be painful and 3) they are too limited to consider that a woman might not always want to be married and have children.

I have a friend who managed to have children in spite of her health conditions. She is one of the most determined people I know. She will mow down anyone who gets in the way of her goals.

She got to her mid-30s and decided that she was going to have kids. She found a guy who also wanted kids and who she was pretty well compatible with, and they had two kids. Things haven't been 100% terrific with the relationship, but the kids are great.

I mention her, because I think it's important to think about how important a spouse and children are to you, and what you'd be willing to go through to get them.

If that sounds awful, I just mean because if we have illness or other problems that make it more difficult to form relationships, it may take extra focus on relationship goals.

It may mean asking yourself if you have a definite feeling about whether children or a husband are more important to you. If you really want a husband, and kids would be nice but you won't go into a funk if you don't have them, then you can afford to take the romantic view of relationships.

If you feel like you must have children, then you may want to start evaluating partners more as potential fathers and domestic partners and friends. There are men out there who are wanting that same kind of relationship, so it's not like you're being an awful person if you decide to evaluate things that way.

My tough-minded friend waited until she was 34 then she shifted from "romantic" point-of-view to "find a partner to have children with" point-of-view, because she felt like time was getting short. We all know or read about woman who have children up until their early 40s, but you can't always count on that working.

But no, it absolutely is not too late for you! The next time someone asks you why you aren't married/don't have kids yet, just say that you haven't met the right person yet and ask them if they want to fix you up with anyone they know. (Unless they are mouth-breathers or single & male - best not ask in that case.)

i think that's a really good post by Jo Thorne and 100% spot on, peoples' views and ideals would differ in a different part of the country.
Here in London, an unmarried 30 y/o is the norm and not the exception!
but in another part of London, it's different!

I think the common denominator here is....people and their meaningless opinions!
I've learned recently (wish I did a lot sooner!) that peoples' opinions are truly meaningless, most people are sheep and have an opinion just for the sake of having one. 99% of the time, it means absolutely nothing.

Don't let it get you down Indigo1015, because for every 5 opinions, you'll get 10 of the opposite from somewhere else!

I think the last thing you want to do is rush into anything and end up in a relationship you're not entirely happy with.
I think maybe just keep an open mindset, keep your positivity going (positive energy really does attract positive outcomes) and I hope you find what you're looking for!

Sundays tend to get me down, too. And I know the self-doubt that these apparently well-meant questions can inflict upon us. Some people just don't think outside of their own box and have only a scheme in mind when they interfer with other people's life decisions, I know this from the conservative small town where I grew up. But you should never sacrifice your health or happiness in order to adapt to a certain ideal, if you are not the type of sheep-person, which I guess you aren't.

From my personal point of view, I can say that your choices and decisions sound rather responsible and normal to me. You want to be settled and healthy first, can't see anything wrong with that. And if you find a guy within the next 3 or 4 years, then you can still have children with him, between 30 and 35 is a normal age for having kids around here where I live now. And I read somewhere that marriages that are being closed in peoples thirties are more likely to last than such closed in the mid-twenties

I met my husband when I was 34-35 and we did not marry until a month before I turned 39. I have no children of my own and my three stepsons are great. You can't know what your future holds and other people can't know even worser! Quit shoulding yourself with what you think is what other people are thinking. Work on what you want, not on what you think you "should" be doing. It's all in our own heads and there's plenty of room to work with that without putting it on other people/"society" that "they" are thinking/expecting something or other from you.