[kiwipie]

I'm in college. I knew that I wasn't ready for it. I have absolutely no motivation or purpose. I only came here to do drugs. My parents are paying thousands of dollars a year for me to do drugs. I hate myself for this. I used to be so ambitious, and have goals and desires, but being here makes all of it seem futile. I'm too anxious/don't care enough to participate in class. I have a four page rough draft of a paper due tomorrow and I haven't even started it yet but I don't give a ****. I know that I'm going to be up all night. My sleep schedule is atrocious. I just want to run away and drive off into the unknown and find a new life for myself. I get suicidal sometimes, but I know that I don't want to die. Life can be exciting, I know that, just not here. Advice??

I apologize for the intense negativity, I'm just so sick of this. I've been so up and down for years, and I think all of the drugs that I've been doing are making me paranoid....which isn't helping because I keep thinking that all of my friends hate me, which piles onto the whole hating myself situation (I really don't hate myself though, I just hate the situation that I'm in right now). I know that my life is not that bad, but I feel incredibly unfulfilled.

[annoyedgrunt84]

College can be a huge adjustment you're living on your own for the first time and there are tons of possibly first time experiences for you to have. So don't beat yourself up for having the "college experience".

[Skeezyks]

Hello Kiwipie: Your post reminds me of my college years, many years ago... minus the drugs. I was bored, I had no real goals, I seldom went to classes. When I did, I didn't participate. I'd leave my work until the last minute & be up all night pounding something out. I flunked out once... quit a couple more times... Fortunately, I was paying for it all myself. So whatever money I wasted was on me. Incredibly I did manage to make it through in the end. But it was ugly!

I sometimes think I'd have been better off being a long-haul trucker... my working years didn't end up being a whole lot more sparkly. So, I guess what I want to say is that, from my perspective, what's going on with you at the present time may be a sign that something is not right in your life. Either you are struggling with depression or what's happening is telling you that you're headed down the wrong path, or perhaps both.

There is an author I am particularly fond of named Parker J. Palmer. In one of his books: Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, Palmer writes that, before we decide what we will do with our lives, we must first figure out what our lives intend to do with us. Essentially what Palmer is suggesting, I think, is that each of us has limitations as well as gifts... things we are naturally good at & things we'll never be good at no matter how hard we try. And there's no point in trying to drive a square peg into a round hole, as the saying goes. Looking back, that is exactly what I tried to do... regretfully. Are you trying to drive a square peg into a round hole? I don't know. But it sounds to me as though something is suggesting this may be the case. Food for thought...

[Thunder Bow]

What drugs are you "Doing"? Best to get Medical attention if you have a drug abuse issue. Therapy is your best exit from the situation you are in.

[emijec]

if you want to stay in school have you considered going part time? or switching to a community college that is a bit lenient? have you spoke to a therapist? i'm sorry that you're going what you're going through.