[arbbarb]

I always stretch myself too thin. I do what I think others want me to do, or what they directly ask me to do. If there is any indication that I have been assigned a task that is solely for me, I procrastinate or never do it.

Last night I said no to a very simple gesture (spooning to fall asleep) because in that moment I did not want it. I finally said no. Afterwards my heart beat escalated and I had trouble falling asleep. I still don't feel right. Why? Because I hurt the person offering when I said no. I think my worries are in why I did not want the gesture. I have been feeling avoided and unloved, so I am afraid that I reciprocated with passive-aggressively declining to be cuddled. I have so much trouble identifying my own emotions that I question my intentions. And this along with not wanting to hurt others makes saying no extremely frightening.

I too struggle with saying 'no'. For me it stems from being afraid of disappointing people or getting judged. I find myself often overwhelmed as a result.

Therapy is having some success these days - particularly with the worry something bad will happen if I don't say 'yes'. She is giving me some skills to work on catastrophic thinking. Not sure how you could have better handled the specific example you gave. But when people have asked for help or my input I have been garnering the courage to ask them if they need it right away. That way it becomes easier to say that I can't do it immediately and they usually back off.

[gayleggg]

I'm 63 and have just gotten to the point of being able to say no. I've finally figured out that noone is going to take care of me if I don't do it myself. And right now cutting back on obligations means a healthier me. It takes practice to overcome the guilt but it is worth it.

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[vonmoxie]

I've found this chart to be helpful, in considering how deceptive brain messages can occur in response to such things as how we react when we say "no" to people.. something to consider. It's from the book You Are Not Your Brain by Jeffrey Schwartz, which provides a methodology for dealing with automatic behaviors or habits people wish to change, basically by learning to more consistently identify deceptive brain messages so that we can refocus our attention and energy.

[arbbarb]

Thank you for your responses.

Rcat-- I am fearful in the countless instances where I probably should say no, so thank you for mentioning your questioning if the thing being asked for is needed right away. That is definitely something I will want to work on.

Gaylegg-- I believe the guilt will be very challenging to overcome, but it helps to know that such a point can be reached despite a lifetime of "giving." I am happy that you have been able to do that for yourself. Thank you.

Vonmoxie-- what a great table! Thank you. It's like someone observed me and recorded my physical and mental responses within the table. I plan to pick up a copy of this Schwartz book this weekend.