[CopperStar]

So the five stages of grieving something supposedly are

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

For me personally, I tend to spend a somewhat long time in the Denial stage, then I spend a really long time in the Anger stage.

I tend to completely bypass the Bargaining stage, to the point that I don't even recognize it. I would actually be really interested in reading people's descriptions of what the Bargaining stage is like for them, or any examples of it they've experienced, because I'm pretty sure my brain just flies right by it altogether.

I seem to slip out of the Anger phase and go directly into the Depression phase - but then slide right back into the Anger phase. So I will spend a ridiculously long time teetering back and forth between Anger and Depression. Even if I have been in the Depression phase about something for months, I could still easily and suddenly retrogress back to Anger at any time.

Makes me wonder whether I struggle more with Anger or Depression, since I can't tell if I'm having a hard time escaping the Anger phase, or if I'm having a hard time dealing the Depression phase (and thus retrogress from it).

What about you guys/gals? Which stage(s) do you typically get stuck in and struggle with? Do you think it's because you fear the next stage, or for a different reason?

[shezbut]

I really with struggle with acceptance. Evan though I know that I need to do that (in order to get through the trauma).... I just cannot seem to do it.

I flip flop between the Depression and Acceptance. My Bargaining stage had more to do with the question of whether or not to take the medication prescribed to me. Doing so would mean having to acknowledge the illness.

[Permacultural]

I move back and forth between all the stages. Its not as clear cut. Bargaining in my experience is more like doing things, or having conversations, that I know will be a low probability of solving the issue, but I try anyways, just to say that I've exhausted all options.

[Harry_r]

as of right now depression and out right crying and this started a week age

[hazn]

Hmm... alternating between denial and depression I guess? Especially if it's something I can't make sense of. I generally don't feel anger, though sometimes I wonder if it would make things easier if I did.

[orangyred]

I seem to be like you, CopperStar, I hang around anger a lot. I really have a hard time recognizing bargaining. I'm not sure I can. No matter which stage I go to for a time I always swing back to anger. I think there are a lot of reasons for that. But right now the main reason in my head is that depending on the circumstances, I don't want it to change.

[hazn]

It would be interesting to hear about what goes through your head when you're feeling angry... like, what is the thought process? What exactly is your anger directed at? Examples would be really helpful. And I'm sorry if that seems like a weird question, I'm just trying to understand.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by hazn

It would be interesting to hear about what goes through your head when you're feeling angry... like, what is the thought process? What exactly is your anger directed at? Examples would be really helpful. And I'm sorry if that seems like a weird question, I'm just trying to understand.

For me it's mostly unresolved things. When I experience things that are to me hurtful, in the moment they happen I tend to disassociate from them, due to anxiety/fear. So in the moment I am numb or anxious (or a weird combo of both) and tend to be passive, silent and to cave in, back down or retreat.

But then later when the perceived threat is over and I'm no longer in a state of fear, then my anger surfaces. Half angry at the situation or the person/people, and half angry with myself for being too fearful and dysfunctional to assertively address problems and stand up for myself.

So it's like my brain keeps replaying it and reliving over and over, wanting a better outcome. Usually by then though it's too late, it would just be ridiculous and melodramatic to return to the situation to blow up about something that happened some time ago (especially since I probably acted like it was fine when it happened).

So instead I alternate between anger, depression and numbness until it finally goes away for good (sometimes takes years).

Hopefully others will chime in with how it is like for them, because I am curious, too.

[hazn]

I imagine that must be quite unpleasant for you. I guess that's what makes you conflict avoidant, right? It's heartbreaking in a way. On one hand you're hurting over something that is obviously a big deal to you, on the other you're acting like it's fine because at that moment you can't deal with it for whatever reason. And I guess in the long-run, this causes you more discomfort/anxiety. What kinds of hurtful experiences would cause disassociation? What is it about these experiences that trigger anxiety? I guess I'm trying to understand what's going through your head when the perceived hurtful experience occurs that makes you want to avoid the issue at all costs. Like, something triggers the anxiety, right?

I replied to your covert narc thread by the way, not sure if you've seen it.

[bebogirl16]

I usually go straight to the depression stage and stay there for a VERY long time. Maybe some anger along with it every now and then.

Can't say I have went through the other stages too much at all, I guess maybe denial but never bargaining or acceptance.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by hazn

I imagine that must be quite unpleasant for you. I guess that's what makes you conflict avoidant, right? It's heartbreaking in a way. On one hand you're hurting over something that is obviously a big deal to you, on the other you're acting like it's fine because at that moment you can't deal with it for whatever reason. And I guess in the long-run, this causes you more discomfort/anxiety. What kinds of hurtful experiences would cause disassociation? What is it about these experiences that trigger anxiety? I guess I'm trying to understand what's going through your head when the perceived hurtful experience occurs that makes you want to avoid the issue at all costs. Like, something triggers the anxiety, right?

I replied to your covert narc thread by the way, not sure if you've seen it.

I haven't been back to that thread since my last reply. Decided to step away from that in case I was moving into the territory of projecting my former friend onto you. Wasn't sure if that was happening or not so just disengaged to play it safe, then forgot about it.

And yeah I was physically and sexually abused by my biological father growing up, and my mother was more so the passive-aggressive type who would abandon/reject/neglect if she was angry. Both of my parents did not tolerate confrontation or independent thought in the least. For example one time when I was in the age range of 8-11 (I can't remember exactly, my childhood timeline is messed up in my head) my father was freaking out over something random and I tried to calm him down by explaining to him that he wasn't making sense, and he responded by slamming my head into the kitchen table. So as an adult I tend to have a strong, ingrained flight response to confrontation, especially with authority figures. Usually makes things very difficult in a work environment. I also tend to be hypervigilant about people's true intentions because my parents were very skilled at playing the part of good parent outside our home and also luring me into a sense of security, only to do some really ****ed up **** the moment my guard was down. While I logically understand that other people are not my parents, I am physiologically programmed to see pretty much everyone as a potential danger.

The anger phase might last very long for me, because there is no "anxiety" phase, so if boils down to a fight/flight response and flight is not an option, then "fight" it is.

So it's flustering because I understand the whole "why" of my dysfunctions, but it also doesn't make logical sense when I logically know that random people, friends, etc are not threats, are not my parents and that everything is fine. But some deeper, primitive part of me that I can't communicate with believes otherwise.

[hazn]

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that... NO ONE should have to, especially a child. To be honest, I have no idea how to respond. I guess it takes a really long time to get over something like that, as it involves changing the way you think, amongst other things. But it is possible, right? With hard work and a decent therapist I believe it is. It's clear you've done a lot of reflection around your childhood and tried to figure things out, so at least you understand to some extent why you think/feel the way you do. Do you feel like you're making progress in terms of trying deal with all of this, and the impact it's had on you?

[avlady]

the death i went through was terrible because i was so angry because there was rape involved in it too, which led this person to kill themselves.its been over 20 years and i am still angry, but forgiving as i had to in order to keep my sanity.

[divine1966]

I grieve in a weird way. I am upset only very briefly and then go to acceptance stage and move on. No dwelling.

But then a year or more later it hits me and I start intense grieving all of a sudden. My t says although it's not a typical grieving method, it's normal. Some people move on quickly but then grieve later on. Sometimes much later

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