Hi,

I've been dealing with this problem for years now where I'm in a constant state of fear, always scared of something. I was diagnosed with PTSD four years ago.

The other day, my therapist said it's normal to go into survival mode when faced with a dangerous situation, but that as soon as possible, we should be able to go over what happened with someone, to make sense out of it and get out of survival mode.

My dad is/was dangerous so I lived in constant fear and in survival mode for the first 20 years of my life. My mum either doesn't realise how dangerous he is, or she doesn't care or is in denial.

I feel I'm finally getting close to proper healing. Just now, I felt like I needed to write this, straight from the heart, about what really happened - and my therapist says I need to share these things with others, so here goes..

When dad tried to hit me.. Everything I knew and believed went out the window! I couldn't trust anything anymore.. I thought the world was a good place - until that happened..

And when my mum didn't help me, it messed me up even more. I thought I was worthless.

I'm glad that I survived and am alive now.. I just need to share this, share my story, the way it truly happened, not the version my mum's been telling people all these years..

I don't even care if those people believe me or not - I don't even know if I'm ever going to tell them what really happened, how it was - I just need at least one person in this world to believe me.. To trust I'm telling the truth..

I have nothing to gain by sharing this - except for my independence, independence of mind..

I wish nothing more than for things to have been different, but they weren't! And I'm not going to let mum's voice in my head tell me anymore that I'm lying..

There.. Thank you for reading

I've always believed my dad was so dangerous he could have killed me.. Many people are physically able to take someone's life but never will because they know it's wrong.. My dad doesn't, or he doesn't care if it suits him.. So if he ever lost it, he might do it. Phew, no wonder I've been so scared

If you believe my dad really was this dangerous, do tell, it'll help me..

[CANDC]

Hi there. Sorry you suffered from PTSD and anxiety. It is a lot for a child to have to endure. It can take 20 years to come out of it unless you are fortunate and follow a good treatment plan.

It is natural to go into survival mode - it is also natural to try to get back to living but it is not that easy. While in survival mode one forsakes many social skills to avoid possible threats and are generally unprepared for what a peaceful childhood could have easily prepared you for.

It is hard to know whether dad was just a parent that had been spanked or beaten growing up or if really was an accident waiting to happen. In the eyes of a child we often make parents into monsters. They were in our eyes and how they affected us when we were vulnerable and over sensitive.

We can see that parents were conditioned by their own childhood and meant us no malicious harm even if we feel they did harm us. That is reconciliation or releasing the experiences. To get there in some small way hastens recovery.

PM me if you want to go more in depth.

[ChipperMonkey]

Think of it this way.

Your fathers intentions do not matter.

What matters is that you felt your life was in danger. Maybe your father knew all along that he would never kill you. He still terrorized you to the point where you felt like you were going to die.

If you felt like you were in danger constantly, this is more than enough to cause PTSD.

Your father may never have intended to kill you. Your mother may be defending what she thinks she knows. But nobody can get into your head and tell you that you didn't live in fear. Don't ever let anyone convince you that your feelings are wrong. No matter what you feel, it is valid!

[avlady]

I came from a home that my parents used corprol punishment. Irish Catholic 11 kids and me the second eldest. i do have to say we were a bunch of brats, but then again maybe that was why. we were beaten with the hairbrush when being disciplined. i remember my mother pulling my long hair alot so i got a pixie. i still have it to this day.

Thank you all

ChipperMonkey, thank you SO much for reminding me all emotions are valid!

The last couple of days have been really hard all of a sudden.. I feel like I'm drowning in this sea of fear and am scared I'll never be able to crawl out of this hole..

[Thunder Bow]

It is good to see that you are Healing

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Hi,

I've been dealing with this problem for years now where I'm in a constant state of fear, always scared of something. I was diagnosed with PTSD four years ago.

The other day, my therapist said it's normal to go into survival mode when faced with a dangerous situation, but that as soon as possible, we should be able to go over what happened with someone, to make sense out of it and get out of survival mode.

My dad is/was dangerous so I lived in constant fear and in survival mode for the first 20 years of my life. My mum either doesn't realise how dangerous he is, or she doesn't care or is in denial.

I feel I'm finally getting close to proper healing. Just now, I felt like I needed to write this, straight from the heart, about what really happened - and my therapist says I need to share these things with others, so here goes..

When dad tried to hit me.. Everything I knew and believed went out the window! I couldn't trust anything anymore.. I thought the world was a good place - until that happened..

And when my mum didn't help me, it messed me up even more. I thought I was worthless.

I'm glad that I survived and am alive now.. I just need to share this, share my story, the way it truly happened, not the version my mum's been telling people all these years..

I don't even care if those people believe me or not - I don't even know if I'm ever going to tell them what really happened, how it was - I just need at least one person in this world to believe me.. To trust I'm telling the truth..

I have nothing to gain by sharing this - except for my independence, independence of mind..

I wish nothing more than for things to have been different, but they weren't! And I'm not going to let mum's voice in my head tell me anymore that I'm lying..

There.. Thank you for reading

I've always believed my dad was so dangerous he could have killed me.. Many people are physically able to take someone's life but never will because they know it's wrong.. My dad doesn't, or he doesn't care if it suits him.. So if he ever lost it, he might do it. Phew, no wonder I've been so scared

If you believe my dad really was this dangerous, do tell, it'll help me..

As kids, we need to feel protected by our parents. Home is supposed to be our safe space. When it is not, it feels that there is no place that is safe for us. Hitting someone is not ok, it leaves you in a constant state of fear because most of the time you don't know what is going to set off the abuser. It doesn't matter if your mom is in denial, you know that you felt unsafe and that's all that matters. Every single person deserves to feel safe in their own home. As a child, cognitively you weren't able to process everything that was happening around you. It sounds like you have a good T and I'm glad you are working to get out of survival mode!

Thank you so much, DBTDiva! It was so important for me to read your words You are very wise!

[MelloJoy]

d.o.a.- I think your therapist was 100% correct. I'm glad you shared this with us. I hope you feel validated now. Your fears were real and I'm sorry you had to go through that. When you need to talk or just need support you have it here.

MelloJoy, thank you! I'm almost in tears all of a sudden now after reading your reply I'm amazed that my fear doesn't seem like a threat to you!

I guess it was for my parents.. Had they acknowledged it, they would have had to face my dad's 'dark side'.. Maybe my mum would have had to face the question of whether or not she can even stay with him. I think that would have been too much for them both. My therapist says they are in a symbiotic relationship, and that it seems like they'll stay that way for the rest of their lives..

I'm so glad and immensely grateful I can share how I feel here. You all are such a great help, thank you so much

[MelloJoy]

We are like minded people here d.o.a.. Please continue sharing.
I had a similar situation with my family, my mom could have stopped what was happening but chose to ignore it. It hurts and it confusing. Then you have to face the real threat.
You hanh in there.