Just going on and on

I guess I don't really see the point in conversing with most people nowadays.

I put in my 2 weeks notice 2 weeks ago so today will be my last day at work and I guess I feel like i'm isolating myself in a way again. I tend to be prone to being depressed and isolating myself.

Another story to go with this- Around Halloween I had friends trying to reconnect with me saying I should go hang out with them at a Halloween party. I decided to say no; that I would be busy at work, which I was, but I probably could have tried to reschedule. I didn't though. I didn't really want to go but back then I actually worried about avoiding them.

Though lately I feel like I don't care.

I don't want to see them. So my socializing mainly comes from online people which I don't seem to get much joy out of them anymore. I don't know if socializing with most online people gives me any joy like it used to. Is it growing up or maybe I just feel like it's dull to me lately.

I started going out with an online girl 4 months ago so I usually only talk with her now or a couple of others here and there. Usually just her. Only one I seem to care to talk to and others I just feel like it's a chore to talk to them. A chore to talk to most people because I feel low energy a lot of times.

Going to go see her in the beginning of February which is coming up so that will be a big thing for me to do. Never really gone on dates or really anything normal people do. Flying on planes and whatnot.

Wish I didn't get tired so easily. I mean I tend to think things are going pretty well for me right now but I guess depression isn't easy to live with.

I am sorry you are hurting. Do you have a therapist and are you taking Meds?

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Hopefully you are just having a down cycle and things will turn around soon. Can you keep your job and still go meet your girl? If you are on meds maybe you need a change or increase. Don't let this go on for long before telling your doctor.

I don't, no. Therapist is hard to really get into and feels dreadful and annoying trying to attend to one and I stopped the meds awhile back.

I've tried the mental help route with doctors and what not. Medications and therapy. I have a hard time speaking at all in therapy and it feels like I am wasting my time and money. When it comes to going to doctors for meds it just feels like a giant money sinkhole which I don't have that much money. This country's health insurance is complete **** and not affordable. I always try working it out myself but of course that never ends it either. Nothing ends it. I don't know. I can't seem to want to much of anything it feels like at times and feel incredibly tired.

Was wanting to go to an actual doctor for a health checkup with the blood stuff. Last time I went to a doctor a bit ago the doctor told me I was crazy and should take my medication. I felt upset and wanted to cry at that reaction. Especially when they had multiple nurses come into the room with him, like 3-4, as if I was going to go berserk or something. Very upsetting to me because at the time I went to him I was having breathing difficulty and he told me that the physical problems I was having weren't real. I guess they weren't because they did go away on their own. They were actually panic attacks and I just couldn't realize it myself. I really needed someone to let me know that I wasn't dying and that everything was fine. Mentally at the time the panic attacks were something I wasn't quite aware of and they would feed off one another.

I could but not really. I don't want to work there anymore and I only work once a week. I asked to work once a week. Doesn't pay enough and it's just too much dealing with unlikable people. Meth heads and inbreds. That is the country area I guess but it gets kind of headachey after one too many rednecks.

I stuck with it for a year so I guess I should consider myself proud for having been hardcore agoraphobic and not having left the house in years before that. Also getting closer and closer to having my college degree and a certificate. Honestly I only had the job so that I could have something on my resume besides absolutely nothing and now I do and have more opportunities for myself.

*tries to sound positive*