[connect.the.stars]

Feeling sad. I can't focus on anything at work today. Nothing wrong with my life. Nothing to be sad about. Nothing should be wrong. Everything should be fine. I am lazy, don't try as hard as others have to. I need to just try harder. Be less stupid. Actively work on facing my flaws instead of dancing around it forever.

I hate myself. I wish I didn't exist. I hate myself. I am an awful excuse for a daughter. An awful excuse for a friend. I hate myself. I will never amount to anything meaningful in this lifetime. I will not make anyone happy. I will not be good at anything except complaining. I hate myself. Everyone will hate me. It will be wonderful. I can be hated. Nobody will like me. I can be alone and talk to the shadows on the wall. Or a T who is paid to listen to me. But maybe she doesn't even like listening to me. I hate myself.

I need help to save me from me. I hate myself too much. I can't wait for the day that I go straight into the dirt. No more worrying about who I did or didn't please. Nobody to drag down anymore. No more love in this world. Be alone forever. No hurt. No wishes. No disappointing. I wish I could go after my parents go so that they don't have to live wondering what went wrong with me. I am awful.

Sigh, I want something to fall from the sky and kill me. But even in life things don't fall from the sky. I have to work for it. So maybe I need to actually try harder if I want to die. How messed up is that.

Today is awful. I can't get anything done. I am the worst. I need to do better. I want to forget everything. I wish I wasn't so dumb. That way maybe I actually could be better. But instead I'm a stupid measly little small fry who can't do anything.

Can someone please rip out my heart and tell me to get over my own bigoted head. I need to stop being so self centered. I talk about myself too much. Don't think of anyone else. I want to smash my heart in. If only it would stop hurting for a whole day. That would be amazing.

[LifeInDarkness]

Such sad thoughts Please don't put so much pressure on yourself.

My T tells me that people usually never see how much you hate yourself, so use that to your advantage. I'm not saying you should always put on a facade and act all confident, but know that 99% of the time people won't be wondering at all about the things they could possibly dislike about you. I think if you asked any random person on the street if they wanted you to die, they would say no. I think most people would want you to find peace and live a good life. Maybe I am being naive, but I am speaking for myself, if not for your parents and your T as well.

Speaking of your T, yes he/she is being paid to do it, but that is not the only reason why they are doing it. If they didn't WANT to help you or anyone in general, they could easily find a higher paid job.

You are not being so self-centered. You are thinking and feelings things that need to be. Yes, they concern you, but you are hurting and need to be concerned about yourself. Besides, you say you want to be a good daughter and friend, which is not so self-centered!

I hope you have better days. Remember that things are going to be okay and that everyday is a new day to start over

[tragicterror]

I understand how you feel.. but you cant keep thinking like that. You gotta look at the positive side of things and I know that's tough but just start by changing "I'm a bad friend" to "I may not have been the best friend in the past, but I can change that". Make an effort to try promising yourself to think more like that, it's helped me.

[Thunder Bow]

It is time for you to go outside and "Connect The Stars" you will feel much better.