[annabellacat]

Again,i find myself feeling judgement towards my brother,and feeling mad at myself about it. Ever since my life got more dramatic weeks ago,an I started deciding to make changes in my life,I find myself feeling even more judgement. Part of me feels guilty,I do want to help him but part of me is just angry and..repelled by him. I don't understand how he can't make changes in his life after all this time considering how unhappy he is. His room is like he is stuck in when he was 15 years old. He is always nostalgic,thinking the good old days. He dresses the same as he did when he was 15,same haircut. He is 25 and lives in suburbs and needs rides everywhere. He drinks,smokes,drinks a lot of soda,smokes weed. I,admittedly have very different values then him. I am someone who is used to men taking care of me and men being providers and doing whatever it takes and just going out there and doing it to make their life happen so for me to see my brother being this way,I feel so bad thinking he is like a bum and wondering how can he ever attract a girlfriend like this? I feel really,really bad thinking these thoughts. I do. He won't cut his hair though everyone says it's bring him more chances of getting a job. He asks for things and tries to use people to get money and I honestly feel bad because I can see it's because he feels so low he doesn't see any other way. But,then I get mad because if he just didn't drink or smoke,he'd HAVE more money. He can also make efforts and try to do things different!

I am someone who has always been more of a dreamer and doesn't smoke and I only drink in moderation. I'm considered pretty ambitious and am into positive-minded stuff. I try sending him things like that such as quotes and he just gets very angry and makes fun of it. He has anger issues. I am someone who always thinks of how great the future can be. It bothers me that I just don't see how if I was in his shoes,how I'd be able to stand it. I'd go crazy,and reach a breaking point and go DO something. Anything. I just wouldn't be able to tolerate the fear of my life being that way forever. From what I know,even his friends have seemed to move forward and go on and do things with their life and his gf who barely even sees him which i find suspicious...is off pursuing a career. He does talk to my mom a lot and I think that makes him less able to believe in himself. I just get bothered thinking that a 25 year old male needs rides when he isn't handicapped and only works odd jobs once in awhile and is so scared of my dad kicking him out. It scares me to try and even think of what it must be like to be in that fear place but at the same time,I can't imagine it ever happening. I'd do things once my life started to get that low. I can see how he must be afraid but cannot relate to how he doesn't change! I date guys my brother's age and they all are world traveled,and have nice jobs and are very independent and get around the city in various ways whether it's by bike,car,public transportation,or taxis,they just do it. My brother thinks riding a bike doesn't fit his image...

I have anxiety issues and am not a dependent person but I am a woman and have done a lot even despite my anxiety issues.I am judgemental because I fear for him and have tried telling him these things sometimes but he just doesn't listen. It just bothers me that as a guy without anxiety issues he doesn't have more pride to change his life. It just,it creeps me out. I can't understand it.

Part of me feels grateful that I am always inspired to keep bettering myself and keep meeting new and interesting people. It's what keeps me going. I just don't know how to let go of this judgement towards my brother. Lately,even little things I wouldn't get annoyed by are bothering me. It just makes me think he is being a little girl. Yuck. I hate how that even sounds. I know I sound mean and awful. I just feel like my brother should be helping me out in ways. It's one thing when he was 17 or 18,19 and i'm the older sister,but he's 25 now!

It seems the best thing for me is to detach and just send loving peaceful thoughts from afar,otherwise it just brings me down. He was mad at me last summer and fall for things,then I had hard times,and feel like he enjoyed it because I was around my father's place more where my brother lives and so he had someone to talk to and to give him things because he'd end up asking and sometimes i offered but i didn't like it. I felt exploited like I was being used,but felt bad too like he must be in a low place to be that way. He also just always is self involved,only caring about his own problems. It's weird thinking of my life back then...even though my life has a lot to go towards where i want it,i realize I'm much happier now. He gets jealous too of people he knows who are doing well. I just don't get it.I've even offered in the past to pay for him to get a haircut,pay for him to get a driver's liscense and have me and my good friend take him. Maybe now i just feel like,hey you had your chance. I have to work on myself now and make my own changes in my life.

I still am not quite where I want to be with believing in myself and being more positive. Part of it has to do with my own issues and changes I want to make,has made me less tolerant of people who just stay complacent. I've never been one to stay complacent. Even with my agoraphobia,I always was working towards things,and making changes. Not a single year has gone by where I haven't accomplished amazing things and transformed myself.

[PianogirlPlays]

I understand and think you are just facing the truth that he needs to develop. Seems like the more you set him free by not participating in handing out stuff or even yourself the more he might have to face things. A little tough love!

[unaluna]

I felt the same way about my brother when we were teenage / college age. Now he is doing much better than i am, is married with children, blah blah blah. Life is still harder for women than for men. He didnt have to take time off work to have a baby! He probably has the same anxiety you have, he just doesnt talk about it. Dont slow yourself down to make him or the family feel better - i did and it was a mistake. Just do what you need to do.

!

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by PianogirlPlays

I understand and think you are just facing the truth that he needs to develop. Seems like the more you set him free by not participating in handing out stuff or even yourself the more he might have to face things. A little tough love!

Yeah,i felt better after posting this. I just need to let myself feel those feelings then found all was fine. I even gave him my almond milk i just had gotten for myself from the grocery store since he had asked if i had any. I think I need to just stop feeling so guilty and be more positive.

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I felt the same way about my brother when we were teenage / college age. Now he is doing much better than i am, is married with children, blah blah blah. Life is still harder for women than for men. He didnt have to take time off work to have a baby! He probably has the same anxiety you have, he just doesnt talk about it. Dont slow yourself down to make him or the family feel better - i did and it was a mistake. Just do what you need to do.

!

No,i mean I have agoraphobia. I am working on bettering myself. He does have his issues though. I just worry for him which is why i have so much "judgemental" type feelings inside. But,i do need to just let him figure it out on his own and let him be on his path and stay positive he'll better himself in his own way and time.

[avlady]

maybe your brother has agoraphobia too? i know myself how terrible it is to live with. he needs help and now.

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by avlady

maybe your brother has agoraphobia too? i know myself how terrible it is to live with. he needs help and now.

I really hope not. That would be awful. He walks to the store and does things,though. He works odd jobs and goes to band practice and knows how to drive but just wont get a liscense. He's seemed to have no fear or anxiety about leaving his house no matter what time of the day. He does spend a lot oftime at home but i feel it's because he has issues,yes,but not agoraphobia. Like anger issues,and depression type feelings. He seems to have no problem talking to strangers and isn't shy. I just don't get the feeling he is afraid to leave the house but that it's more of a block in the motivation aspect of things.

Anyways,we had a fight today and he said the most awful thing someone could say to me. He had the nerve to imply I caused someone important to me to die. It really is for the best I keep a distance from him. I feel for him and get that he gets lonely,and maybe has some kind of block preventing him from being a man and getting his things done but his negativity just brings me down and I love life too much to let him cause me to spiral into a depression. He got paranoid accusing me of things last night so I called him to explain better then text and he just kept talking,and talking,and talking and then it just got so negative i couldn't take it anymore. Luckily,I did my affirmations shortly after which brought me back up again.

[Steiner of Thule]

Forcing gender roles? A very poor way to go about life and to think of yourself and others. Don't really agree with it being displayed throughout the thread.

Judging is a bad trait and something to realize which is good that you do and it is a good idea that you focus on you.

You have agoraphobia so it's not far fetched for him to have problems also. Though the gender roles are blocking your vision and unfairly pushing him into a hole he can't fill with agoraphobia or severe depression.

You're a woman and have agoraphobia makes it okay for you to be dependent but being a man with agoraphobia or depression and being dependent; now that is uncalled for and he should hurry up and fix himself to fit the copy paste image I have of what a true man should be. The breadwinner. Highly unrealistic way to think and also outdated.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Life is still harder for women than for men.

!

Nope.

[annabellacat]

He doesnt have agoraphobia. And,life IS harder for a woman then it is a man.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by annabellacat

He doesnt have agoraphobia. And,life IS harder for a woman then it is a man.

What do you think he has?

What makes you think you have agoraphobia? You said you date guys so you must go out as well.

Not going to argue which gender has it harder. Though it's wrong to say life as a woman is harder. Saying it is just a common tactic from both genders to mentally boost their self-esteem and act like they are thriving in a life that has it out for them.

[divine1966]

I don't think it is fair to say who has it harder. In fact one could argue that men might have it harder as society expects them to be tough and accomplished. It is much harder for a man to prove that he is abuse victim or to get a custody if he is a better parent etc etc do it's not fair to even compare

I also don't understand comments about not driving. You don't drive. And you are older than your brother . Many people don't drive. For different reasons. If you don't drive yourself why do you judge him?

I also don't understand concepts about men being providers. Most modern women work. And I am confused on your description of wonderful men that you know. Men you previously described that you hang out with didn't sound that awesome at all! Plus you said before everyone you know is shallow and self absorbed and kind of have bad habits like cheating etc . Now they sound like they are high class and you compare them to your brother. I am confused.

I understand worrying about well being and health of your brother but why judging?

Btw my daughter is professionally employed, has graduate degree, happily married and has no mental illness yet she doesn't drive. There is no crime in that and isn't that unique.

It's good idea trying to better yourself, that's I agree with.

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[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't think it is fair to say who has it harder. In fact one could argue that men might have it harder as society expects them to be tough and accomplished. It is much harder for a man to prove that he is abuse victim or to get a custody if he is a better parent etc etc do it's not fair to even compare

I also don't understand comments about not driving. You don't drive. And you are older than your brother . Many people don't drive. For different reasons. If you don't drive yourself why do you judge him?

I also don't understand concepts about men being providers. Most modern women work. And I am confused on your description of wonderful men that you know. Men you previously described that you hang out with didn't sound that awesome at all! Plus you said before everyone you know is shallow and self absorbed and kind of have bad habits like cheating etc . Now they sound like they are high class and you compare them to your brother. I am confused.

I understand worrying about well being and health of your brother but why judging?

Btw my daughter is professionally employed, has graduate degree, happily married and has no mental illness yet she doesn't drive. There is no crime in that and isn't that unique.

It's good idea trying to better yourself, that's I agree with.

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I used to think like you @Divine but after being sexually assaulted,harassed,and getting overlooked for opportunities and men getting revenge on me because they felt I rejected them,etc,sorry I think women do have it harder and to think otherwise is naive. Women have more pressure to look attractive,are more likely to get attacked,are physically weaker,are looked down on for having success,etc. There's far too many things i've had to deal with that are unfair because of being female but there's perks,too and I've been learning how to be more ok with being feminine and let a guy think he's right,and so on so it's less of an issue. There's tons of sexism in this world. I do agree men have it harder in some ways and a lot of pressure but overall,women do have it harder,no doubt about it. I can't even go certain places that males can and to say that men have it just as hard thinking about that sort of is ridiculous. Trust me,i'm the first person to say driving is a choice,do what you want. That's partially why for years I didn't drive. BUT,he is obviously feeling hindered by it,and would be able to do so much more with HIS situation if he drove. However,maybe i am being too controlling with my own projections of how he can best better himself. If I lived in the suburbs,I would have learned to drive by now. As for the other stuff you said,i'll try to respond to it all. Well,I have old-fashioned relationship ideals and gender dynamics,so we will have to agree to disagree on that. I like guys who are providers and I like guys who take care of me. It turns me on to see a guy bring me something to drink,clean up little messes I make if i spill something,speak up to the server for me,ask questions for me,things like that. The last guy I like did that. Even in my own place,he got up and brought me drink and did the dish without me even asking or saying he was going to. I know some of this is just old school,maybe some of it is weird. It is just what i'm used to. Everybody has a right to what makes them happy,though. I do work,though. I have an amazing resume. You are right,I am too judgemental on my brother,but it is fear for him. I just worry about his future. I want him to be ok,you know and so I have my own ideas on how he can better himself so he can be more ok.

Men,I have described,I don't remember which ones,but they all are doing pretty awesome for themself. I know no matter what happens they would be always be ok. My brother,though I worry. He makes threats when he gets worried my dad will kick him out..i mean,that's not sustainable. He is so afraid. Cheating,or being a jerk doesn't say anything about someone's ability to be capable or manage in the world. My brother cheats too and is a jerk,too. Your daughter sounds like she is doing great,but again,it's her choice and she is doing fine,whereas my brother,it seems his life would be much better if he had a liscense and worked on getting a car. For him,and his life. I know lots of people who don't drive. Hopefully,that makes sense.

[divine1966]

I do like old school men myself, gentlemen etc, but I think we have very different understanding of what that implies. There is nothing weird in liking old fashioned men. It's just there is nothing old fashioned about men you know. "

"Old school men" don't disrespect women. Washing a dish is nice but that's not what makes men high class.

It's just very sad that you consider a man who sexually violated you and horribly disrespected you the very first time he showed up to your house and overall treated you badly "old school" and "taking care" of you. He maybe cleaned the spill but he also violated you. It is sad you think so highly of these totally inappropriate people.

Your brother might be very troubled and he might be doing poorly but I wouldn't compare these less than classy men you are talking about to him, they aren't any kind of role models whatsoever.

They might be working but in regards how they conduct themselves there is nothing "old school" about them.

Your brother could do better, sure. But I wouldn't be comparing people. He probably tells people he thinks you can do better. Everybody could do better in something. He might have mental illness with his total lack of motivation. He might be depressed and have addiction etc



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