Dealing With My Past

I'm in my 50's. I live with my mother because I'm bipolar with psychotic features and because she has dementia. Wonderful, right?

Mother was very physically and verbally abusive when we sibs were children. She was very angry about having a child out of wedlock in the 50's. She was institutionalized during the pregnancy. This also made her very bitter. She was treated badly there and felt the depth of her imprisonment keenly.

She took her anger out on us and on my father.

Now to me. Because of how I was raised I became angry, bitter, vengeful and a pathological liar. I hated everyone and everything except for animals, especially cats. I bonded emotionally with cats. The mere sight of a cat makes me cry and long to hold it.

I worked in a violent area of law enforcement, a stupid choice for someone like me. I'm sure it had something to do with control. I hated it. I'm an extreme introvert and I spent 30 years dealing with the worst of society. Very stressful.

In 2008 I had a nervous breakdown and that's when the psychosis emerged. I was unstable for three to four years after that.

I'm on disability now and I'm trying to come to terms with the kind of person I was before my fall. I was a troublemaker because it excited me and I lied and manipulated my way through life as if there were no consequences.

My breakdown was my wake-up call.

Now I am in a fierce battle with myself. My brain is never still. I have tremendous guilt and shame that I really cannot deal with. I was a liar and this hurt other people. I was arrogant and this hurt other people.

Candidly, although I know it isn't really him, I argue with Satan all day and most of the night about the fact that I'm going to hell.

In desperation I went to Mass, confessed everything, but I still don't feel any better. I feel worse!

I'm no longer the person I was. I try very hard not to lie or manipulate. With my mother's medical condition I sometimes have to tell little lies or subtly manipulate her in order to maintain peace and to take care of her (get her to shower or take her meds, etc.).

Will there ever be an end to this profound misery short of the grave? I hate myself in a deep, deep way. I can't take back the things I've done and said. Confessing my sins was an empty exercise done in desperation.

I haven't committed any crimes yet I feel as if I have. And Satan is in my mind 24/7 to remind me what lies at the end of my road.

I doubt I can be helpful. But if it were me in your position, I would see caring for my mother, with all that hurt and bitterness in my past, as a penance for my sins. I'm not Catholic so I don't have any experience with religious confession. I'd also stop talking to Satan. For me, this would still be difficult to bear, but I'd see some purpose in it that serves me as well as my mother, and the best I could do for her, beyond what's basic, would be like extra credit.

But seriously, please stop talking to Satan. I believe evil does exist, but probably it's best to avoid engaging with it. I wish you good luck.

I don't talk to Satan because I want to. He is in my head. I can't get him out and he won't shut up.

I'm on a whole slew of meds but they don't help. He has even told me that no med in the world will stop him from torturing me.

Hi there,

It sounds like you've been through an awful, awful lot.. and are struggling with guilt for turning into the person that your situation and early life made you. I'm sure most people would agree, upbringing always has an effect on someone, positive or negative.
You talk about Satan/hell - in the bible and at church as a kid I was taught that even the worst sinner can get into heaven, all they need to do is be sorry and believe. What matters is what you believe about who you are now and how you intend to live your life. By the way I'm not trying to preach or encourage you to be religious, but it makes a good point that every day is a fresh start!

Have you sought help from a therapist to help process the feelings you're having about your past?

When did you start the meds, because sometimes they take awhile to kick in. It took 3 months for my antipsychotic to start working.

Maybe what you can do about Satan is to ignore him? Or just acknowledge without struggling mentally/emotionally against him by trying to answer, deflect, etc.

When I get horrible unwanted thoughts about my past, I'm using mindfulness to acknowledge them and let them pass by. That way they lose some of their power because I'm not struggling against them.

I'm between psychiatrists right now because I just moved in with my mother. I'm searching for a new one right now.

I'm trying very hard to be a good person, but it is hard to suppress a personality 50+ years in the making.

I've been on this bunch of meds since 2008 at varying dosages.

It's hard to ignore someone so evil who is inside your head. It is a constant barrage of negativity and hate.

I have something similar. It gets triggered by a certain sound. Right now I'm at war with my so called neighbors. They've been assaulting me with that sound since January 14th (before that they were stamping and pounding on the walls, much scarier than you'd think). I have become very slightly desensitized to the noise, but not completely. So they are still making me react to the noise which makes me hateful and enraged. That's sort of like having Satan in my head, I guess. This trigger thing is the reason I'm disabled, and then the more classic symptoms of schizophrenia. It's hell and I wish to God it were all over. Sorry - I'm in a horrible space right now, thanks to their triggering me constantly.

I'm very sorry to hear that. We share something in common. I hate loud.

I prefer quiet and my mother, being deaf, turns the TV way up. I want to strangle her. I would never do that, but that's the thinking when she does that.

I understand loud neighbors. When I lived in my last apartment the neighbor had a two-year-old who ran back and forth all day. O M G.

You are in my thoughts, Angel. I'll say a prayer for you when I say my own.

Thank you so much. I will do the same with prayers for you. For 5 years I suffered with their blasting music which I thought was the most awful situation. But then, the first Saturday night after new years, they went to war on me over the whole music/complaints thing. First they were stamping and pounding walls, and then they switched to triggering me. It's been a month of torture from them so far. Sorry to bend your ear, just feeling so hopeless.

I'm happy to listen. PM me if you want. Either way, we can talk.

You done well and healed much. You recovered quite well actually. Best to hang up on Satin and then change your number, to keep him from calling you back. Continued Therapy can help you do that.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm in transition between treatment teams. My insurance changed so I'm waiting for some paperwork.

I'm actually under constant care.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, Satan's voice in my head is not something I can hang up on or turn off. He's there, very present and very persistent.

Therapy takes time just as healing does. You will be able to turn down the volume over time, thus hanging up on him.

My thanks to those three out of thousands of members who took the time to listen and respond.

I am grateful.

Know One