[stayingafloat]

I cant seem to get into a proper debate or argument without feeling any sort of anxiety, especially when i came across something i dont agree with, i would very much make an unobvious attempt to force a person into agreement with my views, which leaves me with more anxiety and guilt. I also cant seem to present my arguments without being emotional and anxious. I guess i should just keep to silence in the first place :/

[Thunder Bow]

Present your argument. Just do not attack the other person personally, and you will be OK. Being emotional and anxious is OK.

Anxiety doesn't mean to refrain from presenting your argument. Just be polite by saying, for example: "I don't agree, because ...". That is it. You don't have to persuade anyone, actually persuasion is more difficult than you think. People are biased to their views, no matter how unsupported they are.

[stayingafloat]

Thanks, i haven been checking out this post for a very long time because i am fearful of the perception by others towards me when i admitted some things here. I know i can end up being too assertive and forceful and then get into a personal flame war if i feel strongly towards certain issues. This is something that i have to learn to detach entirely and remind myself to let go & accept. Also usually i am very afraid of disagreeing with other people and this is a safety behaviour which i'm struggling to get out of.

Originally Posted by Namelessness

Thanks, i haven been checking out this post for a very long time because i am fearful of the perception by others towards me when i admitted some things here. I know i can end up being too assertive and forceful and then get into a personal flame war if i feel strongly towards certain issues. This is something that i have to learn to detach entirely and remind myself to let go & accept. Also usually i am very afraid of disagreeing with other people and this is a safety behaviour which i'm struggling to get out of.

I've learned the hard way that people are difficult to persuade. Discussions about politics and religions are fruitless. Even discussions involving science, which is evidence-based, with people who don't appreciate science is a difficult one. So, just present your view of the argument, and let go. It is a like throwing a seed. It either grows or dies, depends on the soil.

[Thunder Bow]

Be aware of others trying to control you in a debate. Personal attacks are bullying, and bullying is all about control, by the other person.

[Onward2wards]

I really "feel" this thread. My negotiation and persuasion skills are basically "Okay, uhhh ... have it your way."

[unaluna]

Geez. I couldnt even convince my t that our schedule was killing me (too many days). Actually i was just being a big chicken about it. I would make a statement, he would say, "well, .." and practically before he would say anything else, i would take it back. My mother trained me very very well. Not to mention the nuns. Then a guy i worked with once said, "when unaluna's eyebrow goes up, i know im in trouble." As the twig is bent, so grows the tree, with the apple falling not far from it!!

[PieceofMe]

Originally Posted by Nickname

I've learned the hard way that people are difficult to persuade. Discussions about politics and religions are fruitless. Even discussions involving science, which is evidence-based, with people who don't appreciate science is a difficult one. So, just present your view of the argument, and let go. It is a like throwing a seed. It either grows or dies, depends on the soil.

True. some people you just can't convince.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Geez. I couldnt even convince my t that our schedule was killing me (too many days). Actually i was just being a big chicken about it. I would make a statement, he would say, "well, .." and practically before he would say anything else, i would take it back. My mother trained me very very well. Not to mention the nuns. Then a guy i worked with once said, "when unaluna's eyebrow goes up, i know im in trouble." As the twig is bent, so grows the tree, with the apple falling not far from it!!

Life is about win-win situations. Don't compromise. Being polite and humble don't mean to compromise, and take it the easy way for fear of conflict.

I didn't understand what you meant by "too many days". Is it too many days that you meet, or too many days between the sessions? In either case, present your therapist your feeling in the form of a question or a polite statement, like: "I feel we have too many meetings, or I feel I lose track of my treatment because the time between sessions is too long". Something like that.

Do you avoid arguing with people even in the virtual world?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Life is about win-win situations. Don't compromise. Being polite and humble don't mean to compromise, and take it the easy way for fear of conflict.

I didn't understand what you meant by "too many days". Is it too many days that you meet, or too many days between the sessions? In either case, present your therapist your feeling in the form of a question or a polite statement, like: "I feel we have too many meetings, or I feel I lose track of my treatment because the time between sessions is too long". Something like that.

Do you avoid arguing with people even in the virtual world?

My mother made life seem about life and death situations. I avoid people except my t, period. We have changed my schedule more to my liking, but now it feels like there is a huge distance between us. But i feel so much better physically - i guess we just need to talk about it more. It really was a psychological fear.

[insertname]

I think there's just a really big difference between arguing and being assertive. I don't argue - online or off. I have had about five arguments in my life (I remember them all because they are rare!) I can also be unassertive, but generally I am able to speak up.

It's all in how you say it. Now, I probably veer too much the opposite way as I can't express emotion if I'm getting worked up. It's a safety mechanism, I will hide it at all costs, so I have a kind of 'flight to the logical', where I will explain rationally why I disagree with the other person without admitting I am upset. Sometimes it is necessary to at least say that you are upset, even if you don't show it, because people don't understand what kinds of things upset me seeing as I never tell them.

But all in all, just stay away from the personal. If you don't agree with something impersonal - such as a political view - speak your mind but never attack. It's nothing to do with you, after all, and everybody has a right to their own beliefs. You should share your beliefs just as everyone should, but it's fine to disagree. And no one likes someone trying to persuade them out of their political beliefs. We are all allowed to believe what ever we want and we are all allowed to disagree.

If it's about something personal - if someone makes a statement about YOU that you disagree with - then it is very important to say you disagree, but don't do this by attacking back. You'll just end up in a ping pong game. Instead, state your own opinion as a matter of fact. You don't have to persuade them - who cares what they think? - you just have to have your own back.

So, as an example:
"You're upset too often"
"I often feel upset. It's not very nice for me so I'm looking into ways to feel happier. But I disagree there is such a thing as too often. I am allowed to feel whatever I feel."
"No one else is upset as much as you are"
"I doubt that's true, but you're entitled to your opinion"

>If this conversation actually happened this is the point you walk away and choose not to associate with this person, by the way...

[MountainHikes]

Originally Posted by Namelessness

I cant seem to get into a proper debate or argument without feeling any sort of anxiety, especially when i came across something i dont agree with, i would very much make an unobvious attempt to force a person into agreement with my views, which leaves me with more anxiety and guilt. I also cant seem to present my arguments without being emotional and anxious. I guess i should just keep to silence in the first place :/

Anxiety are based on worries about the past, the future and the affects the present even more,
Dispute irrational beliefs about the outcome and AACEPT all possible outcomes with a smile, also accept that you cannot predict the future so dont worry about it AND commit to a new you