[ladytiger]

Hello, I haven't been in here in a long time. I have been having so many screwed up emotions not even funny. Not sure where to start. Well, I have been becoming more depressed and negative again because of my situation. I no longer have a therapist anymore (therapist #3) after finding out she moved on to another dept no one gave me a heads up about her decision and I didn't see her much since I was having insurance issues. So, I feel very lost.

Therapist #2 is at private practice I know where she's at, I don't have the money at all to pay for those high fees. So, now I would need to search for therapist number 4! Some of them can't be stable hate having to restart my therapy all over again. If I had real insurance I'd go back to number 2 and continue where we left off.

Since I have no professional helping me not sure what to do all of these issues are so deep rooted that I need a professional to help me with them. I don't want to do an intake and then having to wait for a long time for an available therapist (state insurance) as I am doing other things that is important too. I have not finished therapy, there's other things that needs to be addressed that I never get to talk to a therapist about.

One of my issues is work. I hate going there not because of the people/company, it's the damn duties that I have to do nothing hasn't changed just repetitive and babysitting adult students for part time taking abuse that I shouldn't have to take! I have been there for 2 years dead end job with no advancements and been even more depressed/negative as I am still not moving ahead in my career. It's dreadful going there daily, my coworker said it best "you're working yourself to death." Finding a 2nd job will not be easy for me at all. I just want to walk away from the job, but I can't as I have to pay for my stuff. I am doing training with the techs at work, boss told me I could get more training learning media, plus I am doing my own training and training through the district office do I need anything else?!? Almost 2 years of job searching and still nothing....

Another issue is relationships. I have been attending an event on relationships lots of **** I didn't know and crap I certainly didn't see nor was taught in my life it's like playing catch up. I have been evaluating myself, past relationships/friendships, and especially my previous relationship of 10 yrs with my ex. This is issue is still a problem of being vulnerable, trust, communication, and negotiation plus boundaries.

It's interesting how everybody else has things going on for them yet still nothing going on for me. Same bs then the surge of jealousy came up so bad just wanted to pound the wall.

So yea, just a wide range of emotions again. I have been wanting/feeling like exploding emotionally no solutions just well keep it up blah blah. I want a damn resolution why is that so hard? I am sinking back into depression again seems nobody gets how serious this is. My 2nd therapist said you're strong, where is the strong-ness coming from? I am not seeing it the world should have flipped for me if that was the case.

I just need to vent, I don't know how to work on these emotions on my own - still stuck.

[emijec]

...I empathize... exactly.. what the hell, man? it's like all of these things just serve as bad momentum for one another. when you're unhappy at work it follows you at home, in your relationships with friends, family, lovers. it's all F'd up. you should keep venting, that's why these forums are here. I feel for you, it's such a Nasty situation to be in . it almost feels like depression is the escape or cause or both? how can you tell?

debt is the black hole. bills, rent, dues, loans, car, etc. can you imagine if you didn't have that? or have to worry about it? you'd tell those people to stick that job you know where. it's indentured servitude.

I guess the 2nd therapist just attacked the "you're strong" label bc what else could be said? I guess it's better than self-harming ? so the fact that you're not self harming but are chugging away is being strong?

[ladytiger]

When I saw the 2nd therapist that day, it wasn't about jobs it was about something else. She said I am a very strong person not the first time I have been told that by people. She said I have an immense power that I haven't been able to use yet and can do such wonderful things.

Some days I can go home happy from work other days it's like glad to go home right now! I am still venting because I am still hurting and still going through a lot of ****...a lot of times not sure if I should even go out and have fun because of these issues...

[emijec]

are you feeling trapped?

I wish I had an actual solution for you. but it does flipping suck that all that is happening to you at the same time. one time I felt like everything was caving in and I just got in my car and drove on the freeway for about 2 hours. no destination, just drove... came back home and laid in bed (I was unemployed and broke).

keep venting, just use this forum as your outlet. andyou should go out if u feel like it. it's gives you variety and prevents u from sinking into a deeper hole

[ladytiger]

Yea, definitely trapped for a long time. People keep telling me things will get better blah blah tired of hearing that it's a broken record!

[winter4me]

I have hated the "you're strong" "a survivor"...at least when I am down&out...I think it is that WE HAVE NO CHOICE. It is like telling people, just after the storm blew the whole house away "It's just things. You are strong. You will be fine." with no space for grieving....(& this happens, I think, more and more as the news moves at a greater rate, we no sooner have children gunned down at school than we are "rebuilding, moving ahead" the next day. It is lunacy. (find the stories describing the return to areas of devastation years later...not so rosy a picture....)
It is not like we are lifting weights and being praised for increasing the challenge. THAT is when you want to hear how strong you are...when you have run the marathon you thought you might not be able to...when you have chosen to suffer to grow...to be rewarded by your body/spirit/community
not when the earth opens underfoot, not when the wall knocks you down in the dark once more
oh I am rambling.....

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by winter4me

I have hated the "you're strong" "a survivor"...at least when I am down&out...I think it is that WE HAVE NO CHOICE. It is like telling people, just after the storm blew the whole house away "It's just things. You are strong. You will be fine." with no space for grieving....(& this happens, I think, more and more as the news moves at a greater rate, we no sooner have children gunned down at school than we are "rebuilding, moving ahead" the next day. It is lunacy. (find the stories describing the return to areas of devastation years later...not so rosy a picture....)
It is not like we are lifting weights and being praised for increasing the challenge. THAT is when you want to hear how strong you are...when you have run the marathon you thought you might not be able to...when you have chosen to suffer to grow...to be rewarded by your body/spirit/community
not when the earth opens underfoot, not when the wall knocks you down in the dark once more
oh I am rambling.....

Agreed. I get told I'm strong by being in a situation I never wanted to be in? Like really another set of emotions are just confusion and worrying too much I'm going through not gonna be able to have a roof over my head still part time. I'm looking at low income places none of them were reasonable 4 me got a couple options left once I exhaust everything. I'm beyond tired mentally and physically so stressed out. I'm doing this on my own