Help Please

For the past couple months I've been in a constant state of fear, rage, and pain. I'm all alone, and I'm losing it. I'm scared of what might happen. I don't want to be stuck here alone, but am scared to go out. I don't want my boyfriend to leave me but feel like I should tell him and everyone else to F off because they aren't here for me anyways. And I've got serious anger issues I never before knew I had. I get ENRAGED at the littlest things now. Like stark raving mad. I took the Sanity Quiz and there are 9 serious issues and they're right. I've been diagnosed w/ just about everything. Depression, Bi Polar, PTSD, ADHD, etc. Panic Disorder. You name it but I've never felt like THIS. I think I've developed BPD. I took that test and scored 41 but I'm 46? IDK and IDK what to do I just can't be alone any more.

welcome to PC

((((hugs)))

posting here is a good start

questions:

why are you scared to go out.

is it because of agoraphobia?

or is it another reason entirely

2. when you're at home- do you have many interests/ hobbies?. what do you do with your time

3. do you take medication?. does it help you?

hope you continue posting here

Hello GAGypsy: This appears to be your first Thread, here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

Well... I'm an older person. But I have much the same "attitude" you do... fear, rage & pain. So I think I can relate to what you're experiencing. There is a book on BPD aptly titled: I Hate You Don't Leave Me. Perhaps you've heard of it, or even read it. I think this succinctly describes the feeling of wanting everyone to F off while, at the same time, being deathly afraid of being left alone.

In my case, I am married. Otherwise, however, I am completely solitary. And much of the time, I secretly wish I were simply alone period although, if I were, I'd probably be one hurtin' unit... Everything seems to enrage me. But, in particular, drivers who try to run me down when I'm out walking, & trying to cross the streets, make me violently angry. I cuss them out & give them the finger! I know I shouldn't. But I simply can't control myself. I HATE THEM! (I pretty-much hate everybody, in real life...)

In my case, I've been on psych med's in the past (none at present.) I've also seen a few therapists for brief periods. None of them were worth the bother... or the expense... as far as I'm concerned. Sometimes I think I should try one or both of these options again. But I really don't want to, & I can't afford it either. So I just continue to rage on! If you haven't tried one or both of these options however, it might be worth a try. There really aren't any magic solutions here. There are psych med's, there's therapy, & then there's just gutting it out one day after another like I'm doing at present (I don't recommend it.) I do some meditation & it probably helps a bit. But it's kind-of like trying to beat back an elephant with a fly swatter! I also spend quite a bit of time here on PC, & that helps.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find a solution to your circumstances. It's a tough way to live...

Hi Shattered Sanithy and Skeezy's. Thanks for writing to me. I was actually getting paranoid that nobody HERE wanted to talk to me either!! It's crazy. I wonder sometimes about Agoraphobia, my mom had it and I worry I might somehow get it, but I don't know why I'm scared to go out. I wouldn't think That I have social anxiety because I'm actually outgoing, but w/ strangers, for instance walking on the beach or down the street, I think everyone is looking at me and it really bothers me. As far as what do I do here at the house, well I'm a live in caregiver for a disabled man so that takes some of my time, and I do crafts. I'm crocheting a rag rug and making bird houses right now. THAT really pisses me off sometimes too!! I used to be on a bunch of meds but haven't been in 5 yrs. I'd like to see someone but WILL NOT get involved w/ COUNTY mental health no matter where or what and can't afford to just pay a shrink!

I WISH I could give everyone staring at me the finger! I just keep my head down and try to ignore them. I'm going to look for that book because it's exactly how I'm feeling!

awww

we do want to talk to you- you're a valued member

i know it probably seemed like no one was responding, but this forum is huge, and by the time 1 post is posted, about 10 others come up to the top and it gets buried- but i do my best to respond to the threads.. just go down the list and respond.

you should look in to agoraphobia. it's a possibility.

i have that, and like you- i have no idea why i'm scared of the outside (so when you said that, it really clicked with me)

(((hugs)))