Overwhelmed

My acting is a survival skill, not bc I want to, but because I have to.
Like right now Im sitting alone in a restaurant, with my pretend (actiress) pleasant smiling face, and being very polite/ friendly to waitress (I come here often),
, when inside I want to burst into tears.

First time Ive eaten all day ( 9pm) Ive been starving for several hours.
Im in a city, no place safe to get something quick...
I do not have a home, so either I force myself "to act normal and happy"
(And be out in public) or I starve.
Theres just so many days I can survive on snacks I keep in car (cookies, crackers etc). I crave "real fresh food" so much it hurts.

When I had a home (50 years) I ate very healthy and pretty much cooked everything from scratch. I hate fast food, always have.

I know this sounds off-topic, but it really isnt. The point I'm trying to make, is sometimes u need to force yourself to do things, u dont want to, when the benefits outweigh the risks...
(I think thrre are tremendous benefits to fresh air and sunshine).

Btw, I ordered hot tea, because the waitress mentioned my shaking spasm-like), (asked if I was ok) and I lied and said I was cold, (Im not, just had a major panic attack as soon as I sat down).

Its very crowded and noisy, which is very upetting to me
(only when Im severly depressed like I am now, am I so intolerant of noise and crowds, etc.

Btw, as soon as I distracted myself (writing this post) on my phone, my body (panic) started to subside.
(I stopped paying attention to the people who seemed to be STARING, like this guy at the next table.

MAYBE THATS A SOLUTION, have or do something while ur walking outside? (a dog headphones, a phone...)

Btw, I really enjoy awkward people , I find them very interesting and unique and usually nicer, more sincere...

Wandering Soul, I tend to isolate myself and worry about judgment too. What I find helps when walking outside is to put headphones on and listen to some favorite music. It cuts down on the anxiety, distracts my mind.. I hope this helped.

My problems stem from being bullied years ago while at university,I was desperately lonely and wanting to fit in so I allowed an increasingly severe level of abuse from so called 'friends',but they were never my friends really.I was rejected and ostrasized by them all in the end after they made me into a laughing stock.

Ever since then I fear being in groups or meeting a new set of people in a group.I am better one to one.My main problem is going everywhere and being so alone.It is emotionally painful to feel lonely!And lets face it at times we need company or we need help with physically demanding tasks or something that takes two and it is frustrating to know that no one cares enough to be with me.I don't know how to overcome this it has been my problem for years.i get to the stage where I can visualize myself loving someone and being loved in return but it never materializes.Why not?