[Nimitri]

I think it might be my depression, but I had felt so alone this last weeks. That only the internet and the books are there for me. That even when I went to celebrate my best friend (I'm not his best friend, I know that) birthday and my father family acted in an incredible way by inviting me to his restaurant, I felt... akward. Like I couldn't say anything that wasn't negative or complaining, that what I liked wasn't what he liked, that there was no connection, no common ground. That I was a fake.

With my mother, that she and i almost never talk. Either she is in her Ipad or me in my computer and/or audiobook, that we only talk for me to tell her about my mental problems or her with her exhasperation with my brother, or a new diet she is trying (and I feel so obese and lazy even when I was down 9.5 kg this last week) or about expenses (for which I feel like a parasite, even when I gave all my paycheck because she needed to get extra 10,000 to get out this month for all the unexpected expenses that hitted us and might hit us this next month: medical checks, therapies, travel, debts and so on). That we only talk around 5 minutes and I can't say my hobbies because they are either massive books that I try and I'm not sure I like, reading tumblr/9gag, watching anime or fanfics or doing my mindfulness; her with her soap operas of her youth and how they help her find things of herself, songs of her youth, ho oponopono or her social movement that either I find baffling or I get so scared/annoyed. We talk and we try to change pleasantries, but after 5 minutes it becomes forced or it dies akward (Or I feel it does, I might be simply focusing wrongly in the assumption)

I just... I just feel like there is no one around and I hate that. I was like that when I left my life spiral out of control and hurt myself so deeply and it seems that it's repeating. Oh, I go to swim classes (all the others are either my mothers age or like me don't talk during exercise) my work (I don't know what to say to this adults) and.... I think that's it. I managed to talk to some people in my national exam and I think it was good, but I know I will never find them again (and for the life of me, I can't remember their names) or I get scared that they will use that information to scam me in some way.

I feel afraid. I feel alone. I feel sad.

And this days I feel suddendly angry. Like, I'm not doing antyhing or just watching something inane in my computer and I hear the walkie takie and I suddendly feel like flying in rage because she is interrumpting me even when I like helping her. Or is telling me about my health and I feel persecuted and I react violently (not screaming but becoming furious) even when I know I need that talk and I feel glad that she told me minutes later and then I go to apologize but I don'NT KNOW WHY. WHY I GOT SO ANGRY? WHY I GET SO EXHASPERATED? And it is only since I finished my exam. I would think not having to study 5 hours daily or more, plus work, plus my anxiety attacks and resentment and desilusion of my changes to pass said exams (the first one I studied around 130 hours or more and nothing I studied came in the exam. It was an absurd exam in every way and it cost so much money) I would be better, but this 8 days I had feel tired, wanting to sleep more, breaking my diet little by little in ways I never did this last three months, not wanting to go out and now this.

I feel alone.
I feel annoyed.
I feel trapped.
I don't know.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Nimitri: The Skeezyks would simply like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find peace within...

[Yzen]

I think many frustrations can lead to a sudden burst of anger. You might not have anger towards that one situation-it is the built up frustrations released.

[Nimitri]

Thank you. I went to my therapist this Friday and I have felt better. I cried so much and I learned that I had so much anxiety together. That I was taking so much responsibility (for my mother diet, for my brother happiness, for my older brother family life, for my father attacks and his health and that I was guilty of my family crumbling when I was 10 and so many cliche things about divorce kids) And that I need to let go. About my bitcora and what I must do to enter the new face of "debating" and how to manage my emotions.

It was good but today I had so many near panic attacks and emotional hits that I feel right now heavy and tired, yet at the same time, I'm proud because I dealing with my fear, doubts and uncertainty a lot better than I did before. Even when I felt so half sick and kind of wanted to cry, I went to my job as a teacher and I did a pretty find job if I say so myself.

It's like when you stop the crying and vomiting and screaming and you felt just empty. Like that, but in a more positive way. As if this attacks were the last outburst that my body is having, although I'm trying not to make the situation to "positive" so it became toxic.

And, well, I just feel this emotion now about my free time. I had so many subscriptions to youtube, to Tumblr, to fanfics, to movies I had downloaded, to the book of 1633 I'm hearing in my cell, to the Eberron campaign setting and the entire Burning Wheels and 7th sea and Isaac Asimov collection and so much that I don't know wat to feel or do so I just scroll 9gag or something.

I feel better. I honestly do. But this emotion outburst is hard to deal with. Not so much to stop acting or cutting the train of thought, but for this ragged feeling when they come out as if I hadn't eaten and I was low on sugar.

Any advice?

[Yzen]

Don't take on the anxiety of others. There is nothing wrong with deciding that your mother, father and siblings problems are not something you need to feel anxious about in yourself. You can show concern for them and try to help, but build a wall so you don't take on their anxiety. You are not responsible for making them happy or solving their problems. We have enough anxiety to manage for ourselves. I have this same issue of worrying too much about others.

For emotional outbursts of anger, you might want to pay attention of what words or situations trigger the outbursts. The more you are aware, the better you can recognize when they might happen and try to stop them.

I am happy you feel better after meeting with your therapist.

[Nimitri]

Originally Posted by Yzen

Don't take on the anxiety of others. There is nothing wrong with deciding that your mother, father and siblings problems are not something you need to feel anxious about in yourself. You can show concern for them and try to help, but build a wall so you don't take on their anxiety. You are not responsible for making them happy or solving their problems. We have enough anxiety to manage for ourselves. I have this same issue of worrying too much about others.

For emotional outbursts of anger, you might want to pay attention of what words or situations trigger the outbursts. The more you are aware, the better you can recognize when they might happen and try to stop them.

I am happy you feel better after meeting with your therapist.

Thank you. The same thing told me my therapist. It's going to be hard, but with time I will be able to stop having this anxiety for others and sense of guilt.

Thank you again for your kind words. They help a lot.