I don't know if there is any emotion that were real!

Hi, I'm practically new to this site.

I have a problem of telling what is real and what is not. My emotions are one of the things I can't tell if it is real. I could feel. However, ever time I feel I question myself. I ask if how I feel was really real or just made up because every day I'm faking things. Like my personality, my thoughts, my life, etc. And because I've faked it all my life to run away from my problems and to feel fine, it has taken over my mind. The long term of putting on a fake me during my childhood has made me forget, who I am or who I was. It made me forget what was real and what was not, like my emotions. The fake me has become a "me" that I never really wanted and now I'm stuck with it because I'm scared to change. To feel different because that would mean that other people will start to act differently towards me, and that makes me wonder even more. If they were really genuine to me or just pitying me because they feel sorry for me; that's what hurts even more than someone coming up to me and tell me how they actually feel about me. Every day, I have to question myself, "am I happy right now?" "Am I sad or just seeking attention" and other emotions as well. I do admit that I sometimes seek attention because I don't like to feel unwanted, but that also makes me question myself. I just don't know what is going on with me, with my head. I have soo many, I can't even list them or remember some of them, regrets in my life. And I wish if I ever had the chance I would like to redo everything( but I doubt it will do any good). I do have things I care for, like my pets, but the fake me makes me wonder. If I actually care for them, love them, then why? Why can't I make my time for them. This me is ruining my life; I sit near a screen all day or sleep when I can but I'm so disgusted by this me who doesn't care about things when I actually do, or I do care for things but nothing is happening; like a restriction, something is holding me back to do the things I loved to do as a kid. However, this fake me has also gotten the way of my reality. I don't even remember my past unless someone who was there reminds me of it. I feel I'm making up things in my head or making up emotions to feel. When I try to remember things, it's hard. I cannot tell if they were dreams, my imagination, or if it was ever real. I'm so sick and tired of this fake me and it's hard to change something that has become a part of me; part of the real me. I just don't know what to do. I cant even go to a youth clinic without having to chicken out or when I do go in there, I forget and have to think what is wrong with me because I always feel that there is a right answer and a wrong answer to things. I get so scared of getting it wrong. At the clinic or at my councillor's I worry that what I say doesn't really matter to them or to me, or that they won't help me because I'm not worth their time (and I know that some people are very severe and need help more than I do, but at the same time it feels like you're not important or unwanted; like extra work). I just need someone to help me that has not met the fake me, which is why I came here! Please help! Anything is fine.

Hello panda165: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. You know... unfortunately... there are a limited number of options out there for those of us who struggle with mental health issues. There are different types of therapies (individual therapy, CBT, DBT, etc.) And then there are psych med's & a few other things. But there aren't any secret cures.

You mentioned you see a counselor. Of course, I don't know what type of counselor this is. Counselors come in many varieties. One thing I think you perhaps might consider is if the counselor you're seeing is really helping you. If not, perhaps you need to try to find a different counselor... or therapist. The reality is it can take some time for a person to find the right mental health professional for them. But whether you continue to see the counselor you're seeing, or try to find a new one, it's important to commit wholeheartedly to the process. I know it can feel like a terribly slow process. But it is the way one heals.

By the way, are you familiar with the mental health videos California therapist Kati Morton uploads onto her YouTube channel? There are dozens & dozens. And Kati is wonderful. If you've not checked out her YouTube channel before, please do so. I think you could gain a lot of useful information by doing so. My best wishes to you...

I just wanted to say that the mess of making things up in your imagination to the point where the fantasy feels as real (or even sometimes more real!) than real life is something I struggle with too. I'm probably misunderstanding your post somewhat, and unfortunately I don't have any good suggestions for helping it. But, you're not alone in feeling like that. It's really difficult to know who I am... a lot of life circumstances caused me to withdraw into my own world and then to kind of put on a mask just to get through daily life... not really being a part of it, but just enough to get by. But underneath that, I don't know where I went. I either have a real life fake me, or an imaginary fake me. Is that sort of what you're feeling? I hope you can find something to help make you feel better and move forward.

Hi Wintereyes,

That is exactly how I'm feeling every day. I could make good use of my time and my life but nothing is happening; I just dont know what's there; I dont know what to do. The fake me makes me soo confused of what I should do or who to be. And because of that, I get easily influenced by what I see that seems interesting or intriguing to me; then I start becoming or admiring that thing/person. Then I change to another or feels like I'm changing into another person. You see, I could be so productive and have a great relationship with people( and stop the messed up emotions), and have a good life. But I just seem so lost. I dont know what to do. So every day, I just distract myself using the computer and the time goes by and so does my life. I feel like a zombie that's just going through life until it ends. I do have goals and things I wish to accomplish, but I have no motivation to do it. When it comes to doing them, I just become very lazy and do other things. And no matter how small the goal is I just can't seem to do them. I might be using this confusion to just run away from the problems I have to eventually fix, but every day when the day ends I regret everything. My whole life is made of regret, that I want to change into a better person; into a positive person, someone who is genuinely happy and confident of who I am and about others. But nothing seems to be changing even if I tell myself to or write down things I could be doing. Everything feels like a fake me I made up to run away from everything so I could get on by with life; even if deep down it's killing me and I don't even know if someone can help me when I don't even try to help myself. But thank you for telling me your issues and letting me know that I'm not alone. Really appreciate it. Thanks