[wintereyes]

When I was younger, I was placed into "gifted" programs for children, and it was this "giftedness" that all of the adults around me used to explain my emotional intensity/sensitivity. Much later I learned about the "Highly Sensitive Person" phenomenon, and thought, "ah! finally, I have found my people!" And I still do definitely find all of the research about it coming out now to be really helpful. More recently I was given some personality tests and found out what my Enneagram and Meyers-Briggs types are (Type 4, INFP). These also very much so resonated with me, and I thought, "oh good, more explanation for the way I am." All of these things center around being sensitive, creative, insightful, often introverted, etc. A bit of an outsider/idealist/"tortured soul" even. I have always had really strong, overwhelming emotions that I have a hard time controlling. Of course joy and excitement and love are usually pretty well-received, even when they're intense. But I struggle with intense insecurity, sometimes despair... sometimes it's a sort of existential apathy even. I cry ridiculously easily. I've gotten to the point where I'm quite cut off from the real world, and have kind of created a safe space for myself, where I have a reasonable amount of control over my environment. I want to feel more normal, and lead a more "normal" life. I don't have any social life. Partly I just have a difficult time relating to others (I can fake it alarmingly well, but I don't enjoy it, and so I don't have much motivation for getting out there). I want to have friends, but it just feels like it takes too much effort and time and having to be "on" to maintain friendships, so any time I make a new friend, I eventually withdraw back into my own world after a while and stop keeping up with people. And the emotional intensity and sensitivity definitely plays into this as well. There are so many layers to this, and I don't know how to succinctly portray what I'm talking about I knew this was going to be a long, confusing post, because this whole thing is a long, confusing knot in my head, that I need help untangling. Do I have a mental health issue? Do I have depression? Anxiety? A Personality Disorder? Am I just a highly sensitive person with poor coping skills? Am I asking for too much? I have a really strong urge to understand and make sense of myself. I feel all too aware that identity is fluid and dynamic and I get to feeling really lost sometimes. I'm wasting my life just existing, and trying to make myself comfortable. Does any of this make sense to anyone? Maybe I could get some recommendations for ways to get on a path of working this all out, and getting to a more stable, "normal" place? I've tried therapy and had disappointing results. I've gotten to the point where I'm considering an anti-depressant at least, to see if it helps get me back on track... but I was on one a long time ago, and I suppose it helped, but it completely flattened all of my emotions, and actually, I like having the intensity most of the time and am not sure I want to suffocate it completely again. I just don't know how to manage it out in the real world. Anyway, if you've gotten this far, please help! And thanks

[Skeezyks]

Hello wintereyes: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. The Skeezyks is an older person. But I've struggled, for many years, with the same things you wrote about in your post. My answer to this has become to simply keep to myself. I am married. However, beyond that, I am entirely reclusive. I avoid going anywhere as much as possible. And I have no extended family and no friends or even acquaintances, by choice. But this is my choice... & I'm comfortable with it...

I can't tell you if you could be considered to have a mental illness or not. Diagnosis is a job for mental health professionals, which I am not. The fact is that many highly creative & even successful people throughout history were more-or-less solitary. So the fact that a person keeps to themselves does not, to my mind, suggest they necessarily have a mental illness. So the issue here, from my perspective, becomes more one of your not being content with how you're living your life.

You wrote you tried therapy & had disappointing results. How many therapists have you tried? (Rhetorical question.) Realistically it can take some time to find the right one for you. And the dilemma you find yourself in is one of the types things people seek therapy for. On the other hand, therapy isn't for everyone, I know. I've seen a few therapists, for brief periods over the years, & none of them amounted to anything. Maybe it's just me. But it seems to me, if therapy simply is not for you, then the alternative is to simply get out there & start to make something happen for yourself.

I don't know if you have a job or are in school. If not, or possibly in addition to this, perhaps consider becoming involved with some volunteer work in some field that would be of interest. The only way things will change is if you make it happen. Yes, you can certainly give antidepressants another try. They may be helpful. (I've been on them in the past.) But, in order to make a change in the way you are living, you're still going to have to figure out some way to break out of your cocoon. Personally, if it were me, I'd try getting back out there first. And then if I found I simply couldn't do it, then I'd give antidepressants another try. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post.

[helplessandhopeful]

Hi wintereyes. While I was reading your post I couldn't help but feel we are very much alike. I too, struggle with the same issues you are struggling with. I try not to label myself but also want to know where I fit. It's not easy nor is it smooth but it is what it is.

I agree with Skeezyks, I would try to find someone professional to talk to. Not to tell you what to do as I certainly don't have that right but I have finally found a therapist I trust but it took a while - I think it's my 4th one. It really helps me and now that I am newly diagnosed with a personality disorder, I feel like I am finally making progress. I'm determined to to get to the bottom of what and who is me.

Be gentle with yourself and don't compare yourself to anyone. And who cares if you are sensitive? Most great people are!

Hang in there and good luck.

[BLUEDOVE]

Snap,me too! Have a look at Mary Elaine Jacobsen's book,
"The Gifted Adult",she is psychotherapist and gifted too.
Here's a quote to make you smile: "I feel like an abandoned alien
waiting on the mother ship to come and take me home."
You Are Not Alone,
BLUEDOVE