[musicismyescape07]

Can being the “strong” one for the family make you somewhat numb? I still get sad with certain situations but I feel like I don’t get sad enough or maybe the sadness doesn‘t last as long as it should. Maybe I‘m subconsciously numbing the sadness? I do have a good bit of anger though so maybe numb isn't the correct word. Or am I just a bad person that is starting to become a little bit cold-hearted?

Also, if you’re the shoulder to lean on, the listener, and kind of the caretaker, is it normal to be somewhat bitter and resentful? Even though you love (some of) the ones you are looking after and doing things for? Or once again, am I just a bad person? I feel like I am for feeling the way I do.

I understand and will admit that it’s my fault for not setting boundaries but how can I with the few people that I love so much? If someone I care for and love needs or wants anything, I will do whatever I can to help, no matter what it costs me physically or mentally. It’s especially hard because nobody else in the family wants to step up like I have. Also just to mention, SOME of the people that I’m speaking of are not manipulative, they are just not able to do some things for themselves or it’s just easier for them to have help with.

I don’t really expect any advice that I haven’t already heard or read about. I guess I just wanted to rant and see if other people have similar feelings so hopefully I’m not alone. Does anybody else here have secret feelings of bitterness, resentment, emotional numbness towards your loved ones that maybe you look after physically or mentally? If you do, do you also have a lot of guilt for these feelings like I do?

A short thought. The emotional energy/stuff your taking in has go somewhere. Maybe your turning all that stuff they are throwing at you into the angry stuff. Try finding an new outlet to dump that stuff in besides the pissed off or angry bucket. Physical, creative, mental what ever works for you and you enjoy.

[KarenSue]

Originally Posted by musicismyescape07

Can being the “strong” one for the family make you somewhat numb? I still get sad with certain situations but I feel like I don’t get sad enough or maybe the sadness doesn‘t last as long as it should. Maybe I‘m subconsciously numbing the sadness? I do have a good bit of anger though so maybe numb isn't the correct word. Or am I just a bad person that is starting to become a little bit cold-hearted?

Also, if you’re the shoulder to lean on, the listener, and kind of the caretaker, is it normal to be somewhat bitter and resentful? Even though you love (some of) the ones you are looking after and doing things for? Or once again, am I just a bad person? I feel like I am for feeling the way I do.

I understand and will admit that it’s my fault for not setting boundaries but how can I with the few people that I love so much? If someone I care for and love needs or wants anything, I will do whatever I can to help, no matter what it costs me physically or mentally. It’s especially hard because nobody else in the family wants to step up like I have. Also just to mention, SOME of the people that I’m speaking of are not manipulative, they are just not able to do some things for themselves or it’s just easier for them to have help with.

I don’t really expect any advice that I haven’t already heard or read about. I guess I just wanted to rant and see if other people have similar feelings so hopefully I’m not alone. Does anybody else here have secret feelings of bitterness, resentment, emotional numbness towards your loved ones that maybe you look after physically or mentally? If you do, do you also have a lot of guilt for these feelings like I do?

Dear, I think we have to become numb for us to be the strong one. When my father died, I was the one with mom the whole time, holding her up, taking care of things.. I did the same when my older brother (who lived with her) died. I was the one to discover his body on Christmas morning. Again, I was the one there for support, keeping numb about my own feelings so I could help her with hers, along with dealing with the coroner and police, etc.

I am now my mother's only caregiver since she broke her hip in 2014. It is a lot of responsibility. Do I get aggravated with her side seat driving? Her forgetfulness, her phone calls just to tell me what time it is as I'm getting ready to take her to a Dr appt? (Man, she wants to be there 30 minutes too early, ha ha.) You bet I do! However, I make sure she never knows that, it would hurt her feelings. I have a spouse that understands and helps me by listening and we just keep that anger or aggravation between ourselves.

Guilt is also common. Best to drop that, if you can. Guilt serves no purpose in our situations, and we don't really have the energy to deal with guilt along with being the strong caregiver. I can let the guilt go. I tell myself I have no reason to feel guilty, I'm doing my best.

Everything you described is normal, imo! You are very compassionate to do what you do for others. Don't beat yourself up.

[musicismyescape07]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

A short thought. The emotional energy/stuff your taking in has go somewhere. Maybe your turning all that stuff they are throwing at you into the angry stuff. Try finding an new outlet to dump that stuff in besides the pissed off or angry bucket. Physical, creative, mental what ever works for you and you enjoy.

Thanks for your reply and advice. I will try to find something to do. Not sure what it would be but I'll try.

[musicismyescape07]

Originally Posted by KarenSue

Dear, I think we have to become numb for us to be the strong one. When my father died, I was the one with mom the whole time, holding her up, taking care of things.. I did the same when my older brother (who lived with her) died. I was the one to discover his body on Christmas morning. Again, I was the one there for support, keeping numb about my own feelings so I could help her with hers, along with dealing with the coroner and police, etc.

I am now my mother's only caregiver since she broke her hip in 2014. It is a lot of responsibility. Do I get aggravated with her side seat driving? Her forgetfulness, her phone calls just to tell me what time it is as I'm getting ready to take her to a Dr appt? (Man, she wants to be there 30 minutes too early, ha ha.) You bet I do! However, I make sure she never knows that, it would hurt her feelings. I have a spouse that understands and helps me by listening and we just keep that anger or aggravation between ourselves.

Guilt is also common. Best to drop that, if you can. Guilt serves no purpose in our situations, and we don't really have the energy to deal with guilt along with being the strong caregiver. I can let the guilt go. I tell myself I have no reason to feel guilty, I'm doing my best.

Everything you described is normal, imo! You are very compassionate to do what you do for others. Don't beat yourself up.

Thank you for your reply and sharing that. I hate that you and I'm sure a lot of others go through things like this but it is nice to know I'm not alone and maybe not as bad of a person as I sometimes think I am. I would say it may be helpful if I had someone to talk to but I would just feel guilty for doing that lol. Guilt is very hard for me to deal with and let go.

[Thunder Bow]

I think you will feel better if you unplug from that situation, and take better care of yourself.

[ADeepSandbox]

Does anybody else here have secret feelings of bitterness, resentment, emotional numbness towards your loved ones that maybe you look after physically or mentally? If you do, do you also have a lot of guilt for these feelings like I do?

Oh, yes. I helped look after my grandmother for almost five years while she was bedbound with severe Alzheimer's. Then, when she passed, my mother fell apart and I had to deal with everything on my own. Mom couldn't even come to the funeral, I had to face it by myself, and then administer the estate.

I realize now as I work through some other childhood stuff, that I was treated as an adult far, far too young and grew up with the idea that to be loved and get attention, I had to take care of everyone. Trying to "save" my alcoholic, suicidal father when I was a teenager, for example.

So yes, you have my full sympathy, it is completely something I understand. I'm angry at my family for not being able to take care of me, for not taking care of themselves, for the holes that it left in my sense of safety and security, and the way I operate now. It's a terrible feeling to be so angry but feel so guilty about it because you also have that competing urge to caretake for others, especially when they're people you love.

I am working on my own boundaries and believe I can grow out of this pattern. There's hope that life won't always be this way. All the best to you and from one caregiver to another, try to carve out some breathing room for yourself to have some fun once in a while. It's the only thing that saved my life during the worst, last year.

Lots of love.

[musicismyescape07]

Thank you all for your replies, kind words, and understanding. It means a lot to know I'm not alone but I still can't shake these awful feelings.

[Thunder Bow]

No need to feel guilty about taking care of yourself. You can not care for others, if you do not take care of yourself first.