Mortality

Recently, I have spent a lot of time thinking of my mortality. I find it strange to think, I am now as old as my parents were, when I was born. I have nothing to show for my life so far, the future seems so bleak. I feel empty, even powerless as I realize that everyday I am one day closer to death. I do not necessarily fear mortality as much as I do not understand it. We are only conscience for such a small amount of time before we are engulfed in nothingness for eternity. I feel that I opened Pandora's box. The more I think about life/existence/mortality, the more I dive down the rabbit hole(making me only think of mortality more and more). I am to a point that I feel it is all I think about. I often wonder, why I am doing what I am doing? Do any of my thoughts or actions matter? I have accepted my fate as an anonymous casualty of time, not to be remembered by anyone when I take my last breath. As dark as that may sound, I am okay with that notion; it is all out of my control. Does anyone out there contemplate mortality?

When I think about it, I think people just don't think about it. They live on auto-pilot. They don't reflect on their lives, I feel.

My own life is ok, I guess, but just barely and it took me a while.
But when I imagine the lives other people are living, that thought suffocates me. And then I am talking about people in the western world, who had never had to think about actual survival.

The jobs people have, the partners they choose to live their life with but that, like themselves, are obviously sub-par regardless of if you prefer personality or looks.
Their children who are just as average.
Things about the world they can't or won't understand, be it science, art or politics.

And these people, unlike me sometimes, are content, even happy. Yes, it bothers me. Especially because I know there are people who do have it all. I feel like that I had what they had, be among the top5 most successful in all spheres of life, I'd be happier to age and die.

I think I won't mind dying if I had everything I wanted. A successful career where I actually did something meaningful, both for my own intellect and for humanity. A happy marriage with a woman who I consider to be way out of my league. Children who are becoming just as successful as my wife. So in a way, as successful as I would like to be, but without the struggle and more enjoyment.
Long-lasting friendships with a few other couples.
Some money to show for that I was actually successful and live without any financial worries.
Actually get somewhere in my hobbies, rather than just be it a time sink.

I feel that the only part of my life I have some success in is staying healthy and fit. But that won't last and while it may impress some people, maybe I mean women, it never has as far as I know, yet it could have. So it means nothing and all my endurance sports efforts are maybe also a big black hole that just sucks up the time I should be spending on improving things I am bad at.

I am 69 and my mom just died at 94, so yes as we get older we think about death.

The thing is.......as long as you are alive, you have a choice in what you want to do. I am a Sophomore at my age! I believe we are here to make a difference; that is something we ALL can do!

I'm just an average person with crippling depression.everyday I think about my mortality. Just came to the conclusion that just a few family members would attend funeral. I want to be cremated, just so people can remember me as I was not as I am. Plus I don't want people staring at me, Ever! I've been ready to die since junior high.

The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. Although the two are identical twins, man, as a rule, views the prenatal abyss with more calm than the one he is heading for." - Vladimir Nabokov