[CantStandMyself]

Obvious trigger warning. Most of this post could be potentially triggering. So turn back now.

I guess I mostly came here to express what is otherwise inexpressible for me. As I continue typing it feel impossible to actually say what I need to. Its like torture.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I dont understand the point in trying to be happy. The world is an awful place full of people lurking, waiting to grab your ankle and pull you back under. I give up trying to resurface. I'm in a perpetual state of drowning and nothing I do offers even the slightest relief. I can't breathe. I can't wake up. I can't run. I can't do anything to outlet this terrible tension running up my spine, grinding my teeth. I feel dark and inaccessible to anyone in the light. I'm so angry but I almost feel nothing. It's apathetic limbo. I'm only apathetic because I can't cope with everything else I feel.

Doesn't matter what I do, all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up.

It doesn't matter how many job applications I put in, how many resources I attempt to use, or how many sentimental things I have to sell, I will never have enough money to be comfortable. I can't afford food, or gas or bills let alone a small something nice for myself. This entire world is ****. I honestly do not understand how everyone just accepts and lives like this.
I don't think I'll survive the new year. I really don't.

I've been thinking about how I'm going to do it.... Hanging always seems too uncertain, guns are hard to get ahold of, pills/drugs are unreliable, so I'm thinking I'll take my old truck out for a drive. I've always been curious to see how fast it can go. I'll probably just race myself and when the thrill is gone, turn hard into a deep ditch. The truck doesn't have airbags anyway so I doubt I'd survive.

I just can't do this anymore. I cannot. I cannot accept the "new normal" and I refuse to suffer simply because my death with trouble others. Oh ****ing well. If they were so concerned about my life, maybe they'd help me out so I could get a couple groceries or something. I've expended more energy than I have, trying to just make things a little better and it never works.

I'm a failure. Failing is what I do. Maybe its time for me to finally fail at life.


(Oh and mom, if you somehow ever see this, I hate you. Don't think for a second that I died with any respect or care for you.)

Everything you say is so so sad in everyway! I am sorry things are so horrible and that no one is helping you in your time of need.
I know there are no easy answers--if there were, you would not be in the pitiful state you are currently in.
Do you live in a city. I do. Downtown here there is homeless shelter that provides 3 meals a day, showers etc. Is there something like that where you live?
Admittedly, I probably looking at things this way because I am not currently depressed but---sometimes how bad things are is quite relative. When I go and hang out with someone with a great pension (I am older), who reports having a happy home life, there house is completely organized, etc.--it can sometimes accentuate all the things I lack. But I know, there are many people who post about it right here at PC, that there are many in the world who have it as bad as you. In your frame of mind maybe you should read a bunch of posts in the depression forum. My hope is that if you see that there are many others out there who feel hopeless, it will make you feel less alone. Some of the friendships I have made here have made me feel less depressed. Keep reading and posting, it might delay your attempt--I don't recommend a car crash death--to big of a chance that you might live but end up with a disability. If you are currently physically healthy--that is ONE thing you can be grateful for. I hope I am helping you.....