[socialanx96]

I'm always respectful, but now I just want to be dismissive and indifferent. I feel guilty about being nice to her. She’s in an abusive relationship, and she’s made me go through hell because of it. She let him humiliate our entire family and she’s still with him.
She still tries to be affectionate with me. She tells me she loves me and if I don’t say it back she will make a big deal out of it. She wants to act as if everything’s ok. And it’s not for me, she really hurt me. She really hurts me. And I can’t stand playing nice. I've done it so many times before, and it always ends up with the guy making another mess in our family. Fortunately he doesn't live with me, but he finds a way to make it into my life by controlling my mom.
So I try to distance myself from her, so her issues don't affect me. But it doesn't work, because she takes offense at that. But if I reciprocate her affection it feels like I’m betraying myself.
 At the same time, being mean to her and alienating her probably makes it even less likely she will realize she’s making a huge mistake being with that d-bag. I also have so much anger and pain that I must repress in order not to snap at her. I find myself trying to blame her and wanting to point out that she's destroying us every time I see her, but I know that's probably not a good idea. I don’t know what to do. All this drama with her abusive boyfriend makes me really depressed. I already struggle with depression, so I don’t need all this, and I almost hate her for doing it. I know she's a victim too, but it's really hard for me to have compassion for her when it's entirely in her hands to leave him.
What do you recommend I do? I tried telling her how I feel in all different ways; she just refuses to take it seriously.
Should I pretend like everything's fine? Should I be genuine and try to distance myself from her emotionally? What?

[Denni]

Originally Posted by socialanx96

I'm always respectful, but now I just want to be dismissive and indifferent. I feel guilty about being nice to her. She’s in an abusive relationship, and she’s made me go through hell because of it. She let him humiliate our entire family and she’s still with him.
She still tries to be affectionate with me. She tells me she loves me and if I don’t say it back she will make a big deal out of it. She wants to act as if everything’s ok. And it’s not for me, she really hurt me. She really hurts me. And I can’t stand playing nice. I've done it so many times before, and it always ends up with the guy making another mess in our family. Fortunately he doesn't live with me, but he finds a way to make it into my life by controlling my mom.
So I try to distance myself from her, so her issues don't affect me. But it doesn't work, because she takes offense at that. But if I reciprocate her affection it feels like I’m betraying myself.
 At the same time, being mean to her and alienating her probably makes it even less likely she will realize she’s making a huge mistake being with that d-bag. I also have so much anger and pain that I must repress in order not to snap at her. I find myself trying to blame her and wanting to point out that she's destroying us every time I see her, but I know that's probably not a good idea. I don’t know what to do. All this drama with her abusive boyfriend makes me really depressed. I already struggle with depression, so I don’t need all this, and I almost hate her for doing it. I know she's a victim too, but it's really hard for me to have compassion for her when it's entirely in her hands to leave him.
What do you recommend I do? I tried telling her how I feel in all different ways; she just refuses to take it seriously.
Should I pretend like everything's fine? Should I be genuine and try to distance myself from her emotionally? What?

I'm not sure what the best way to handle the situation is, for you. (It sounds like our mothers have the same BF), lol, or at least "reasonable facsimiles". I posted about my mother's lifetime behavior, (but not my adult daughter's many "issues"), last night, for the 1st time, but I didn't go into detail about her BF's abusivness. The way I see it, she is my mother, (& my childrens grandmother), he is nothing at all to us, so her allowing him to hurt, bully, & damage us, as her family, is really on her! She's the one who should care about stopping how he treats us, or getting him out of her nice, paid off, house, & our lives, rather than excusing & allowing his horrible treatment of her family. (I am lucky enough to also be an only child)! I used to do whatever I had to, to get along with her, but after she pulled some very cruel & intentionally hurtful things on my youngest daughter, I decided to cut her loose from my life a year ago, on Thanksgiving, (which was also my youngest's 18th B'Day, when she behaved so awfully towards her). I would never allow anyone to disrespect my children or my family, so we are very different people. Since then, I've chosen not to speak to her at all. I actually feel so much more relaxed, freer, less stressed out, & I even sleep better now, without seeing & listening to her phony BS & self-centeredness, (or her creepy BF issues, that she's chosen to pay all her time & attention to), & my having to pretend to care about it. The holidays do seem to make it much harder though. I think they are really over-rated, since they push a false sense of what families SHOULD be like, on many people, who didn't grow up, (or currently have) those happily depicted, unrealistic "Norman Rockwellesque" holidays, & happy family time together. I don't know which way of dealing with her would make you happier though. I am now choosing to stay away from her, & my grown daughter as well, who is even worse, much more openly hostile, & outright crazy than she is, (no "Passive-Aggressive" pretending on her part)!
So they've "bonded" over treating me badly, which I'd put up with, until it began to include doing things that are hurtful, to my youngest daughter, as well. They've gone so far as doing some fun, important things that we'd really been looking forward to, that we'd planned to do together after being invited by my mother, who then chose to exclude the two of us, for no reason, (& later pretending that she'd "forgotten" about having invited us)! They've intentionally done this type of thing for years now, & I'm done with it. My mother enables & rewards my eldest's bad behavior towards me, & has chosen to spend time with her, even though it means she won't be able to spend time with my youngest daughter & me, that she'd planned, so she really helped me make my choice on ths issue. I'd say go with your gut, & then let it go, & either decide to ignore the annoying aspects of the situation, or if you decide to skip spending that time with her, (& him), don't guilt-trip yourself, either way. Make yourself happy, & surround yourself with people who let you know they value you, & your relationship with them! I don't know what your family dynamics or entire situation is, so you might decide what is the best choice for you right now, & deal with whatever happens, down that road if it comes.

" She tells me she loves me and if I don’t say it back she will make a big deal out of it." -- I am a mother of two adult children--when I tell my children I love them, I never expect them to say they love me back. I am spontaneously expressing how I feel at the moment. I feel like the best kind of love is very accepting and not very controlling. You said you are respectful, you do owe her that but it doesn't help anyone to fake what you really feel.
"Should I be genuine and try to distance myself from her emotionally?" We can never totally distance ourselves from our mothers even if we want to. That is just nature's programming. But I do hope you don't live at home given your mom's abusive situation. It's her choice who she wants to be with. You say she knows how you feel. There is nothing more that you can do. I hope you don't live at home so you can distance yourself by keeping in touch through an occassional phone call, text message or email. If she asks you to visit, tell her that you don't want to be around her boyfriend but encourage her to visit you instead. If you live at home, I am SO sorry, this sounds terrible (can you get away from there?). If you don't, an occasional phone call will let her know you care while allowing you to stay away from this dirtbag. Please know that this situation is not your problem or your responsibility. Never feel guilty for other people's choices. We can only be responsible for our own actions, not others, no matter what guilt trip people try to lay on us! I think that sometimes people get depressed because they take on the guilt that others lay upon them or worry about things they cannot control. Your mom's situation is not your fault. Always remember that!!

[Denni]

Everything you pointed out is so true! We all have choices about how we respond to others behavior, but we can only feel responsiblity for
our own actions, (or inactions). Other's behavior that is unrelated to
us, (even though it may not feel that way, especially if they try to drag you into it), is beyond our control, so accepting the guilt for other peoples poor choices, or behavior isn't something we need to add to our own, (already full), plates!

[Denni]

Everything you pointed out is so true! We all have choices about how we respond to others behavior, but we can only feel responsiblity for our own actions, (or inactions). Other's behavior is strictly through their own choices, & is unrelated to us, (even though it may not feel that way, especially if they're the type who tend drag you into it), is way beyond our control, so accepting the guilt for other peoples poor choices, or behavior, isn't something we need to add to our own, (already full), plates!