[connect.the.stars]

How do you deal with the fear of disappointing someone?

Why does the thought of letting someone I love down make me feel worthless?

The guilt of not being good enough makes me wish I weren't alive. But when I take a step back, it's only one small issue in a bigger picture. Why does fear and thoughts of worthlessness drastically affect my ability to think and function normally?

[Unrigged64072835]

Relationships aren't perfect. There's going to be some disappointment. They will still love you even with your imperfections. If they didn't it would be an issue.

[Gojamadar]

[quote=connect.the.stars;5464754]How do you deal with the fear of disappointing someone?

Why does the thought of letting someone I love down make me feel worthless?

The guilt of not being good enough makes me wish I weren't alive. But when I take a step back, it's only one small issue in a bigger picture. Why does fear and thoughts of worthlessness drastically affect my ability to think and function normally?[/quote
Hi,
You can only deal with the problem if you upgrade your own values. Why should you think you should please everybody all the time? Deem yourself equal to everyone!

[Bill3]

Why does the thought of letting someone I love down make me feel worthless?

My guess is that as a child you were made to feel not good enough, worthless, guilty, anxious if you did not achieve what was expected of you. You were given to understand that you let people down. You have internalized those childhood experiences and now there is a more or less automatic connection in your mind of:

do not do what is expected -----> believe you let someone down -----> feel guilty, worthless, anxious

How do you deal with the fear of disappointing someone?

In general, the way to overcome a fear is to expose yourself over and over in a safe way to the feared object/event.

If you are speaking of your parents, helpful steps would be to stick to your guns when, let's say, they want you to study more and you don't want to. I completely acknowledge that it will be painful for you to do that and you will be sorely tempted to do things their way, so as to end the guilt/anxiety/felt worthlessness. Healing will come, though, from safely working through the feelings rather than avoiding or numbing them.

Are you thinking of some specific step that will be disappointing to someone?

[connect.the.stars]

I'm constantly trying not to disappoint my parents and my boyfriend. My limiting factor recently has been time. I spend almost all of it studying and working, I skip meals sometimes - it is extremely exhausting.

My parents always find a way to tell me my boyfriend is not good enough for me because they don't see him looking for ways to save me the time that I need to spend studying.

My boyfriend knows I have a fear of talking to my parents. I don't know how to defend him when my parents are saying negative things about him. I barely know how to stand up for myself. I know this disappoints my boyfriend that I'm not able to back him up, and righteously so.

I think I have been asserting myself by making choices with what to do with my time. So that's a plus.

But there is always that underlying nagging feeling telling me "I'm not coming home as early as my parents want me to (they're concerned I don't sleep enough)" or "I'm not doing enough work for my company and my bosses are going to think I am a slacker" or "I'm not making time to see my friends, they must think I am a horrible friend who never spends time with them anymore."

Thoughts of that nature bog me down on certain days. That I'm not good enough because I'm unable to do everything like superwoman or something. I know it's not because I don't try hard enough. I just wish I had more hours in a day so that I could do more.

I don't know if this makes any sense. My whole life I feel like I am disappointing people. I'm tired.

[Bill3]

I think I have been asserting myself by making choices with what to do with my time. So that's a plus.

Excellent! This is indeed good news. Good job!

I don't know how to defend him when my parents are saying negative things about him. I barely know how to stand up for myself. I know this disappoints my boyfriend that I'm not able to back him up, and righteously so.

I look at this a little bit differently. When you try to defend your boyfriend in front of your parents, you are buying into the idea that they have a say in who you date. I disagree with that. I think that who you date is up to you, and you don't have to discuss your choice or defend your choice with your parents. So my advice is to inform them, if you want to, of what you or your boyfriend are doing, but not have a discussion about it with them, or try to convince them of anything.

I'm not able to back him up

It is impossible to change the minds of people who don't want to change their minds.

I personally see it as a really big deal that you are dating someone who your parents question or challenge. I think that your courage in doing that should be celebrated! And if it is okay to say this, I am proud of you for that.

But there is always that underlying nagging feeling telling me "I'm not coming home as early as my parents want me to (they're concerned I don't sleep enough)" or "I'm not doing enough work for my company and my bosses are going to think I am a slacker" or "I'm not making time to see my friends, they must think I am a horrible friend who never spends time with them anymore."

People who are close to you personally or professionally must understand what is involved in the exams that you are undertaking.

Has anyone at work or among your friends complained about how you are doing under the very challenging circumstances? If so, what did they say?

But there is always that underlying nagging feeling

These feelings come from your childhood. My advice is to acknowledge that they are there, realize where they come from, and continue to move forward as best you can. The more you are able to assert yourself, the more theses feelings will gradually fade. It will take time for that to happen though. In the meantime, consider them to be annoying guests that you cannot right now get rid of but who are not going to stop you from reaching your goals.

Have you considered some CBT to work on and improve your feelings about your self-worth? I took a program but what really helped was a good Cognative Therapy Workbook. I stress workbook.

[connect.the.stars]

@Justafriend306: I do want to return to therapy when I am completed with my examinations. I think there is still a lot I could improve and I want to be able to strengthen my self-worth, assertiveness, and confidence. Right now I am often plagued with self-doubt when I should just believe in my own work-product, keep a positive mindset, and continue striving forward.

@Bill3: thank you for the positive affirmations and great advice. I do need to be better at informing my parents of what I am doing instead of avoiding all contact. What you said makes sense, I can't really convince them of anything. I can just let them know what is happening and keep doing what I feel is right (after all I'm not jumping off a cliff or driving my life into the ground..they can't complain).

None of my friends or coworkers have complained to me outright, but they have noticed I am spending less time with them or at work because of exams. I might just be projecting my insecurities onto them. It is quite a struggle, but one day maybe these annoying guests can pack their bags :P