numbness

for me growing up up it was never easy , when i was 9 years old my father got kicked out from where we were living as a family , without any reason for that as we were told from the government " they just don't want him there "
so m family was halved and we couldn't reunite because we didn't have enough money to move to another country , he sent me a message from prison because they wouldn't allow him to see any visitors , as a weak 9 years old kid i was so naive and so week happened to have like 21 mental break downs in 2 months period , after that it was total numbness for 11 years , in that phase growing up i was feeling nothing at all , i felt so strong so invincible i haven't even cry even when alot of deaths occurred in my family , in recent times after moving countries i suffered a phase of tough depression with self harming , i was able to get out of it after treatment
since i did come out of it i am beginning to feel more sad and more happy , i can be easily hurt even the urge to cry at a sensitive movie clip
i hate myself being this person , i want to go back to being numb
would any one plz help me find my way ?
thank you all

Numbess is a refuge many of us long for. There is a lot we sacrifice for being stable.. I know when I am numb anxiety seems to so pleasantly be nullified.

I suppose medication can have a lot to do with it. Some medication sedates or makes us 'numb' from life's pressures. But it also numbs us from pleasure. Being off of medication can do the same but in my opinion is a riskier state.

That absolutely is of no help to you I know.

I'd like to know if you are medicated and your experiences with that?