Blind rage keeping from grief

I've been working to discover my true story, what really happened in my life when I was growing up.. I feel I'm close to reconnecting with deep grief about basically not having a father (he was so scary I didn't want to be anywhere near him) but I also feel there's blind rage between me and that grief..

The other day, I realised I don't want to accept what my dad was really like and let go of the idea of him ever becoming the kind of dad I needed - I don't want to accept I'm NOT all-powerful, that I cannot change him..

But I need to accept this, simply because it's the truth. I can't change anyone. I'm not all-powerful. And that's OK - I don't need to be. I can grieve.. I can miss the dad I never had. I can also carry on with my life even though I never had that father..

Hope sharing this will help in making the loss seem less alien and scary..

I know I miss the dad I didn't have, either. It's too late for him to be anything different. But letting go of that and reparenting myself has helped quite a bit.

My father was very critical, and every time I remember how he treated me I rage in anger. It's the natural response, at least for me. I'm trying to live my life despite the fact that he made my life harder by instilling in me the fear to be myself. He convinced me (unintentionally) that I'm always wrong and worth being punished and criticized because he was punishing and criticizing me when I made mistakes while he did not praise me when I did right. I don't know if I want to grieve the fact we wasn't nice, but when I'm not angry and can think clearly, I see in him a man who has struggled as much as I have, and maybe more.

I'm not sure what the nature of your relationship with your father, but I'm sorry you have to experience an unpleasant relationship with him.

I have to say, I like your writings. It seems that you're trying to motivate yourself to find your way out of a mess. I'm sure you will find it if you keep this attitude (probably I need to do the same in being more positive), and as you always write you deserve love and acceptance, and loving yourself is the first step to allow others to love and accept you. Good luck