I need to distract myself from my own thoughts, and drink from the drink of life and be intoxicated by it to forget what I'm looking for (a meaning or purpose to my life). Except I cannot find that drink. I live alone and have no interests, and all I have is my own thoughts, and the sound of silence.

Possible trigger:

- The only absolute knowledge attainable by man is that life is meaningless.

- I did not myself know what I wanted: I feared life, desired to escape from it, yet still hoped something of it.

(Leo Tolstoy)

[DechanDawa]

Tolstoy: "I remember one day in early spring I was alone in the forest lending my ear to its mysterious noises. I listened, and my thought went back to what for these three years it always was busy with -- the quest of God. But the idea of him, I said, how did I ever come by the idea? And again there arose in me, with this thought, glad aspirations toward life. Everything in me awoke and received a meaning."

Possible trigger:

I'm not sure if Tolstoy believed in God, but the larger context of your quote (I had to google it) implies it was the case. He mentioned somewhere else that there was a force that forced his mind to "fix" itself from despair. This is to me inventing a meaning where there is none just to keep going. He call it "thirst for God". I was religious once, and indeed my life had a meaning then. I was OK with all the suffering in life, with all the failures, because I was hoping for a better life where there is no pain or suffering. But then I crossed the line that separates reality from myths and illusions. As much as I wish to go back, I cannot do that without living with a foot in each side, with complete loyalty to neither, and with no integrity to myself. I cannot do that.

[it'sgrowtime]

Knowing that flowers produce seeds,
as do the weeds,
that the rainbow is illusion
though beautiful, indeed;
Wouldn't it seem that
life has no why, but to live it?
It has no meaning,
but what you give it?

...I lost my religion long before I wrote this. I wrote it when I was going through cancer treatment. I don't need an afterlife. I've had people say what a shame I think that way, that it must be sad. But I'm free. I don't have the mighty judge looking down on me.
I'm glad you're craving happy calm feelings to distract from troubled thoughts. That seems like a good direction.
It's true that I have not felt loneliness in a long while, but I do remember the feeling. I too found inspiration in writers and artists. I felt companionship with authors when I read their books. The conversational tone of harlan Ellison, his voice, spoke right to me, and it's strange, but he gave me hope at that time. If he could touch me with his bare thoughts and words, could I do the same for others?
I appreciate your voice. Yes it's just on the Internet, but it is real life.

Great quotes. Wonderful poem. I have gone back in worth concerning my faith in God. Why am I believing again? What you said Tolstoy said about the belief forcing his mind to "fix" itself from despair certainly applies to me. That I am forgiven for the things I feel guilty about which also serves as motivation to turn those things around. And looking God has helped me be more content with the people in my life and the role I play. Frankly, I find that prayer, etc. has calmed my mind in a "miraculous" way. I suppose I believe because of the positive effect it has had on my daily life. My life was really a mess due to my tortuous thoughts.

Religious scripts used to make me feel good. Actually, I was spending more time reading the Bible and the writings of the Church Saints more than I was reading for school, even during my first years in my doctorate degree. I guess I've always felt low, and I continuously needed something to boost my mood. Needed some comfort. I was OK with being alone, because I felt I had company somehow. I felt comforted. But as I said, I've crossed the point of no return. I tried to go back and read the scripts, but I couldn't do it. Things are different now. I saw the scripts and religious writings with different eyes. Now I'm trying to come to terms with life and with all it entails of suffering and failures. It seems others (most of them anyway) have no issues with life. People distract themselves with stuff (activities, travel, work, children, fun, .... etc). I believe Tolstoy described these folks as "intoxicated by life". I think this is very accurate description. For me, I feel I'm awake for now, and I'm processing my thoughts. I'm not sure where it will lead me, or if I have to abandon them all together. Maybe it's true that we just live life. I don't know. But I haven't accepted this hypothesis/reality, not yet.

I lost my faith too Mr. Stranger, but in my case I don't feel sad about that, I accept that is how it is for me. I am glad for others who have faith.

Life for me does not need meaning, it's just a case of 'being', acceptance is a good description. We can try our best to be the best that we can be but that is all.

There are people who say they are 100 percent sure we go to heaven, or are reincarnated, etc. and others that say they are 100 percent sure that when you die that is it. Face to face I take people at their word and of course I believe that at the time they said it, they were feeling 100 percent sure about their belief. Maybe it is just that I assume others think the way I do but I find it difficult to believe people are 100 percent sure, all of the time, about whether there is, or isn't an after life. I do think that people want to have more control over their lives than they are able to have. Maybe this is part of the equation concerning whether we believe or not. It is a way to calm our need to have certainty in our lives...
As long as we are alive things can change, all sorts of things, both good and bad: our beliefs, financial situation, friends, etc. Nothing in our lives is completely static. It is nice when you feel hopeful in a way that makes you look forward to future possibilities.

"For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow"

- King Solomon