I just came from a walk outside, and I feel like crying. Everyone seemed full of vitality and energy. People were walking fast as if they were trying to reach a desirable destination, and talking with each others with smiles and laughs, while I was dragging my body with a broken soul with my head down. I'm trying to accept the fact that I'm alone, but it's too painful. The world to me seems beautiful and delicious, but it's forbidden for me to enjoy. It's like the forbidden fruit. Out of reach. I used to go out and do things alone, but not any more. I've lost all interests and motivation. You call it depression, I call it being here has been a huge mistake. I'm not supposed to exist. I'm not equipped with what it takes to live. After about 3 decades and a half, and I'm still hiding in my shell because I'm so fragile to step out. If I did I would be crushed mercilessly. I'm dead more than alive. I barely leave my apartment which is bad enough, but when I leave it I even feel worse.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I'm sorry you feel so alone. Do you have supportive friends, family or co workers? Could you discuss how you feel with a therapist or family doctor? We're here for you too.

I may have asked this before; as, I am very concerned by your level of Depression. I recognise what you are saying. I suffered treatment resistant Depression much of my life.

What treatments have you taken? How does your psychiatrist (note I do not say therapist) feel about this? Have they suggested other treatment options to you? Have they discussed ECT? A good doctor would be offering you some alternatives regarding medications, therapies, and treatments.

What about your own approach? Are you being proactive regarding your treatment. What I am getting at is are you taking your medications as directed? Following any nutritional or exercise directions? Participating in any required therapy? And generally following your doctor's recommendations.

The time then may have come to take some drastic steps. If your psychiatrist hasn't done so already, discuss ECT.

It gave me my life back.

I live far away from my family, and have no friends. I once went to a hospital, and I didn't have any emergency number to give them. That's how much alone I am.

I saw a psychiatrist for a couple of months for a suspected ADHD because I wasn't doing well at graduate school. He prescribed me stimulant and non stimulant medications. He told me that the non stimulant medication was antidepressant as well. But I haven't seen a psychiatrist for depression specifically. The medications didn't change anything in my concentration problem and/or my depression. At the end he told me I may have anxiety, and I stopped seeing him. In general I have problems asking for help, but from my experience, therapy makes me feel worse. Also, I don't want to take medications.

I read some books on socialization and how to overcome social anxiety, since I think my depression stems from my social isolation, which in turn is because of my social anxiety. I read a self-help book with step-by-step techniques on how to overcome SA and I understood everything in it intellectually, but didn't have the courage to try any of them. I was afraid to fail. Which is ironic, because the book was trying to teach how to test your fears. You might think as others here did "I didn't want to change" or "I wasn't ready for change". Anyway, two years ago, and out of desperation, I started testing some thoughts, but not systematically as in the book I read before, although inspired by it, and was challenging myself to go out and try. I was attending at least 3 meetup groups a week, to try to socialize and break the social barrier, but to no avail. I was ignored within the groups when I tried to participate, and when I sat alone, no one cared.

Fine, I tried doing everything alone because people suggested to embrace myself instead of trying to find happiness in others, although they who suggested these weren't alone which makes you think Anyway, I was walking in the city alone, watching movies alone, attending festivals alone, going to the coffee shop alone ... etc, but soon after that the idea of being alone between all those people who were together as couples and friends brought me down. Since last year I have given up trying. I even barely go out to just walk in the neighborhood. Now depression and social isolation have become intertwined, and feed each others in and endless loop.

I know this isn't the most effective way because it's not guaranteed to happen, and it may sound lazy and crazy, but if nothing external changes, I'm unlikely to change, because I no longer have the energy or willingness to overcome my fear to change. The pulling forces are stronger than the pushing ones.

So what is stopping you from seeing a psychiatrist now? You are crying out for help and answers yet you seem not to be following them. This is not something you can do on your own.

If you are still undertaking school - see the guidance counsellor. See your family doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

On another note. Bipolar can be misdiagnosed as Depression if the individual is in a down cycle. Many anti-depressants are the worst things that can be prescribed to a bipolar person. Some of them can actually cause a manic event and even worse depression with suicide ideation.

Please get yourself some help. We care.

[Thunder Bow]

You are just dealing with feelings from your childhood, they are hard to give up, because they are like old friends to you. Change takes courage, and so does healing. Going by your advanced education level, if you had the courage to get this far in school, then you got more than enough courage to heal and leave those old familiar feelings behind.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sosrry for your situation.. I can relate because I feel alone as well Please, get help.. any help you can find