[TishaBuv]

Feeling the comfortable numbness now, after writing off my toxic family.

All my sisters had to do was defend me, but they didn't. So they were further casualties beyond the writing off of callous aunt and Machiavellian mother.

It's sad, it'll be lonelier. I will always wish this all went differently. But she is not the loving mother I always wished she was.

Things don't end well. If they did, they wouldn't end.

This is now a new chapter to add to all my issues.

I don't regret my actions. I really don't. For the sake of my soul, I had to tell them how deeply they hurt me and cut them out of my life.

Not one could see and agree with my position. Not one would stop my mother from her abusing me. Not one would even humble themselves to an apology. Not one really even cares about me, they don't really care to see me again.

Calm, accepting sadness. Moving forward from this day on.

There's no telling if my mother and dad will live a long time or die. I won't be around either way. No funerals.

It's all over now.

[crimsoncat]

Tisha-When I saw this article, I thought of you:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/stren...ure-isnt-easy/
It is so good that you are determined to stay away from these people for a really long time, but--
If there is a funeral in the future, you may want to reconsider (but don't help with the arrangements--this is an activity you can wash your hands from); funerals are supposed to help us reach closure. It is a memory of my mother's death that I will never forget and she was not alive during the proceeding to cause any stress. Funerals are very individual things, at least that was how I felt about it.
Eventually, one of your sisters will call, and, maybe still won't acknowledge what happened (just don't call her); I don't have any advice about this--use your gut as you say?
But I am really glad you told them how you feel; it may help you a lot.

[Fuzzybear]

[TishaBuv]

The other day my friend, who is another exceedingly difficult person, said that she thinks I can't stand it if things don't go my way.

This fallout was a case of that. The conflict with my h is another case of that.

So, she does have a valid point.

But-- I am a very go-along person. I hardly ever impose my way on people. Although, when I do, I really do. I can think of two times I was on group projects where I came up with something great, and the crowd wasn't really digging what I was saying, and I rammed my way on the group, which won the challenges for us.

One was, we had to come up with a slogan and our team was The Red Seas, and I came up with "We do our part". The group was infighting and trying to choreograph an act. I stayed in the background and said nothing beside the slogan. When it was our turn, nobody knew where to go, so I barked out orders (quietly) directing the skit. Like a boss!

Why wouldn't my idiotic family respect me?????????

[TishaBuv]

I know the answer to that. Mom's a user, aunt doesn't care, sisters just don't want to make waves with Mom.

[TishaBuv]

So mom just calls me now, crocodile tears, saying that she loves me, but doesn't want to rehash anything and doesn't want to fight, she's just too sick.

#notbuyingit

That put me in a foul mood.

[TishaBuv]

The one sister I am close with and I talked it out yesterday, and we are cool. I respect her honesty as to her lack of protecting me, because it's not really within her, because she doesn't want to get attacked, too.

The other sister never called, nor did I call her. When my h called her during the whole confrontation several days ago, she didn't pick up. But when he called my aunt right after, my sister cut into the line calling my aunt. So, she wouldn't talk to h, but called aunt immediately, and never called me. Oh well...

And my aunt never called again. She's back home now far away. I have no relationship with her, anyway.

I have been reflecting on the whole thing all day, trying to put myself in the minds of the others. Trying to think about what I did that they see me as not being worthy of defending, what I must have done that they think I am at fault.

I'm really clueless and dumbfounded.

Anyone who talks to me on here, would probably agree that I have a really good comprehension and reaction to situations in general.

I am just at a loss here.

And another day goes by...

Not looking forward to T tonight. Not looking forward to another weekend with h. Really down. So tired.

Consider this: give yourself time to heal from this very stressful period of time before you make any major decisions (like divorcing).
When my mom was dying of cancer, my sister was the one taking care of her. I know it took a toll on her. I am so grateful and appreciative of that she gave up and put herself through in order to help our mom. I assume that the sister who did call was appreciative of your efforts. They both should be. You were all effected by your mom and handling it different ways. I am glad at least two of you talked. My sister was the middle child. She is the least selfish of the three of us. Are you also the middle child?
You have been posting like crazy and on an emotional rollercoaster. Time for rest not action. <<hugs>>

[TishaBuv]

Aunt really never called to speak/apologize to me. Other sister never called. Mother called yesterday, saying she meant to dial my aunt, and hung up.

Truly severed ties. And that's that.

I am listening to you, Hoping, about just resting and not jumping to a decision about my h, too.

I am so severely depressed, my heart literally aches. I better try to distract myself with studying, but I've been too upset to focus.

Planning to call a psy for me alone tomorrow.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Aunt really never called to speak/apologize to me. Other sister never called. Mother called yesterday, saying she meant to dial my aunt, and hung up.

Truly severed ties. And that's that.

I am listening to you, Hoping, about just resting and not jumping to a decision about my h, too.

I am so severely depressed, my heart literally aches. I better try to distract myself with studying, but I've been too upset to focus.

Planning to call a psy for me alone tomorrow.

Eventually, you and your mom will get back together (but hopefully not for a while). The emotional tie we have with our mothers never ends; it is not truly severed--go easy on yourself about this. You've been helping her a lot and need this break.

I am glad you are calling a psy. You're smart and recognizing your depression. I wish you weren't hurting so. For some reason, I have an emotional connection with you and wish I could help you. Are they multiple step financial problems? Send me (PM) your hardest problem (just one)--I am curious if I could create similar ones. Understanding and repetition/practice. I was average at math but was a teacher for a while and my H was a math major during most of his time in college.

[JDH]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Feeling the comfortable numbness now, after writing off my toxic family.

All my sisters had to do was defend me, but they didn't. So they were further casualties beyond the writing off of callous aunt and Machiavellian mother.

It's sad, it'll be lonelier. I will always wish this all went differently. But she is not the loving mother I always wished she was.

Things don't end well. If they did, they wouldn't end.

This is now a new chapter to add to all my issues.

I don't regret my actions. I really don't. For the sake of my soul, I had to tell them how deeply they hurt me and cut them out of my life.

Not one could see and agree with my position. Not one would stop my mother from her abusing me. Not one would even humble themselves to an apology. Not one really even cares about me, they don't really care to see me again.

Calm, accepting sadness. Moving forward from this day on.

There's no telling if my mother and dad will live a long time or die. I won't be around either way. No funerals.

It's all over now.

Moving on is the best thing to do. We cannot change the past, and we cannot change anyone else. Wish you strength and happiness.

[TishaBuv]

It's valuation and ratios.

You know what's funny about me and learning... The instruction about something will explain the process. Because I need to really, really focus on what I am learning to understand it, I immediately find a huge flaw in the entire system for why the whole thing is not accurate in reality.

ADHD and high IQ?

This was a rough weekend. I felt so much pain because no one called me to make peace. If they believed I am MI, don't you think they might have even had some minute, extra bit of empathy for me and made some effort? Well, they wrote me off right back in response to my telling them how hurt I was by their lack of defense for me. Ok.

So I am moving on this Monday morning. It's a grieving process.

I did a lot of web surfing yesterday and found some very upsetting sites, bashing people with BPD. It sent me into a tizzy.

I am feeling like I truly am a sick person now.

So I am going to call the doctor today who I saw years ago who said "there is nothing wrong with you, you just really don't like your husband, and you should divorce him." She may not want to see me again, but I'd like to start over with her. I'd like to know if I am truly diagnosable or just very confused with low self esteem.

Then I need her to help me out of the broken person I've become some how.

It's good that you don't give up--you are a proactive in your own recovery. Eventually, that's going to pay off.

So for the test, you probably have to establish the price of things based on a math formula such as the average price of similar similar commodities and the average amount of income the commodity brings in (it is good to compare). So much of value is not a math formula, it is what is fashionable, potential, etc.--I bet you see where it is SO not a math formula in many ways!

When I was a kid, I always thought of percentages like this: 5/100 (5%) of 250 is like the problem 5/100=X/$250 -- solve for X by multiplying 5*250 and dividing by 100 = $12.50 Using just this logic and not traditional formulas, you can solve a lot of things. Like the 5% compound interest for 2 years on $250 is 12.50 + 13.13 (2nd year 5% of 262.5) = $25.63 interest. You can take a bunch of ratios and reduce them to percentages by dividing the numerator by the denominator then adding them all up and dividing by the number of percentages you are adding together. I know it is more complicated than that, or you would not be struggling. It can be confusing when they want you to use formulas you don't understand. For my insurance test, I sometimes used the math steps from my youth--not the formula the book taught--I don't recommend that--just saying that sometimes that is what worked for me.

Your IQ is high when it comes to "verbal" things not numbers. Or maybe you just didn't get a good math foundation in elementary/middle school. Whatever the cause, you just like writing and talking better than solving math problems and that is what makes you rusty. We are good at what we like doing/spend time doing.

[TishaBuv]

The valuation process accounts for information about the subject that people do not enter accurately. Therefore, the final numbers are not accurate. I know this is true, because I am one of the thousands of people not entering this information in the system!

[TishaBuv]

The psy gave me an appointment tomorrow. She still did have record of my one visit. It was seven years ago. Seven years, I have been banging my head against the wall (literally) with this issue!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

and found some very upsetting sites, bashing people with BPD

I'd like to start over with her. I'd like to know if I am truly diagnosable or just very confused with low self esteem.

Then I need her to help me out of the broken person I've become some how.

One of the psychologists I went to admitted he just put major depressive disorder because he considered that the least "labeling" diagnosis. Once I when I asked about BDP myself, my T said, "that's not you, you don't cause problems." and she said it with a bit of emotion in her voice. Never asked again. The thing is, when I go to my psychologist and T, I act cooperative and I do not disclose so, so many things to them. I guess I am afraid of labels too. It is silly that medical professionals look at certain mental issues in a negative way. All the labels are approximations anyways--a point of discussion. They don't have brain scans or genetic tests for BPD. Though it can help you discuss some of your issues if people did not look at it as a good or bad thing, just a sort of starting point for conversations and treatments.

As far as I am concerned, you may never know your true diagnosis or if it is just confusion and low self esteem. I don't think psychology is like that. Maybe, someday, they will know more....

Actually that conversation with the T was last Spring (trying to remember)--I am thinking she said, "that's not you; you are quiet and don't cause problems." I do remember the emotion in her voice though. She rarely gets emotional so it would make me "sit up straighter" when it happened. The thing is, I am not quiet, just ask H!
Now that I think about it, when I first saw her in October 2015--I really was quiet. I was in extreme pain, depressed and told her I was going because I was told I needed to because of my attempt. I then emphasized that I didnt have much to say because I was not abused as a child, did not have a "hard" life, etc. I felt totally unemotioanally involved/apathetic about therapy for the first 6 months.

Though did endure the loss of your father, etc. at a very young age--that has to cause some of your "BPD" like feelings/insecurities. We're all over the place on all kinds of spectrums (intelligence and all kinds of things). I hope you find some relief--seven years is a long time.

[TishaBuv]

I called my parents today, asking Mom why she took back the necklace, not wanting me to have it, even though I was paying for it...buying my inheritance.

I didn't get an answer. Mom feigned confusion. Dad acknowledged the loan, but claimed to have no understanding that I would be keeping the necklace, as they had no way to ever pay me back. Then Mom called me mercinery and Dad called me conniving.

Through hysterical crying, I gave them a piece of my mind, said she abused me my whole life. So that's that.

When your own parents call you mercinery and conniving, how do you not have a voice in your head telling you that you are worthless?

That ended hideously ugly.

I am beaten and broken. How is it I gave them money and I am mercinery and conniving?

[TishaBuv]

At least, that's why I have a good vocabulary. Looking on the bright side.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I called my parents today, asking Mom why she took back the necklace, not wanting me to have it, even though I was paying for it...buying my inheritance.

I didn't get an answer. Mom feigned confusion. Dad acknowledged the loan, but claimed to have no understanding that I would be keeping the necklace, as they had no way to ever pay me back. Then Mom called me mercinery and Dad called me conniving.

Through hysterical crying, I gave them a piece of my mind, said she abused me my whole life. So that's that.

When your own parents call you mercinery and conniving, how do you not have a voice in your head telling you that you are worthless?

That ended hideously ugly.

I am beaten and broken. How is it I gave them money and I am mercinery and conniving?

You aren't! We picture our moms and loved ones as having our interests in mind.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

You aren't! We picture our moms and loved ones as having our interests in mind.

I went on a tearful rant about how I don't matter and nothing I can do is ever good enough.