I woke up with a deep sadness which still hurts from inside.
I went to therapy since I was 13, on mild AD's since 14. Quit therapy in 17 and stopped the AD's near the age of 19.
Afterwards I went to therapy nearly a year ago, but only for 7 months, as I felt the therapist is more crippling than helping.

I feel horribly sad for my life's outcome. I am alone and I fear people. I also fear my feelings because they lean towards men and I hate that. I always wanted to love women with my heart and I just... it's hard.

I've always felt I'm being weakened, that my full potential has never been released. People allow themselves to unleash their full selves, which can have harmful effects on some people, while serving their self-growth.
I feel being empathetic is a weakness (though I'm not sure if I'm even one anymore) because I'm just never concerned about my own success that way.

I don't like hearing advice from people who "have it easy". For instance, a person who's in a relationship, telling you that "relationships aren't everything", or "You can be a great partner". I envy them, even if they are considered friends.

My big brother is more successful than I am, but I feel something controlling to him. I'm weak, our family's relationships are empty (we just exist as roommates pretty much), and I just wish I could be strong... but strong people hurt others.

I had a best friend who scarred quite a few people (including me) and he's done nothing about it. He's interests have been improving his social life, unleashing his full self and he's now studying economics and media at the local university for his interest. He's thriving, but he's hurt people, and they are left with their scars.
Proof? He mentioned that fact in a Facebook discussion, but went on to talk with his fans and other people, moved on from the subject which he just mentioned. People probably think "Wow, he's so mature for confessing that crime, he's a good person" like a bunch of idiots.
I wish there was something you could do to someone who's causing you to mentally suffer, like a mental health police.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry life is being so hard for you. I wish I could help..

Hope you won't give up. I think you deserve a much better life. And hey, for anything.. we're here

[Marylin]

Hi I am not sure if it is your brother or your best friend causing you to hurt,I agree though there should be some sort of policing to stop others hurting us mentally and emotionally.

I am sorry that you are alone and fear people.It was like that for me,I still get lonely but I don't fear people so much since I healed the hurt some people caused me years ago.
I am not sure what you mean by,' I lean towards men','but want to give my heart to women',?Are you saying that you are sexually attracted to men,but have been socially conditioned to only think of women that way?

I am not sure either why you feel you can't unleash your potential without hurting others.I am the same though I have a creative streak that I fear indulging cos it will leave me exposed and also I fear I may become more powerful than I can handle.

I can talk with you about all this if you like.I do identify with some of your issues myself.I am sorry things are so hard for you atm and that other people have hurt and are still hurting you!

Thank Marylin.
It's hard for me to write something up right now, it's all too complicated for me

ok, so I called my first therapist to meet up, because I want to get to the bottom of my depression and understand myself more clearly. It was a nice reunion, but was on-point. One thing that irritatingly touched me was him asking if I still live with my parents (yes, I do), since I sometimes think it could be a reason. It makes me feel stuck at times, but I prefer to feel the best as possible and look at the bright sides and enjoy all I have. I can't burden myself with the "society" kind of judgments.

[Marylin]

Society and their judgements says more about them than you.You are right not to be bothered by them.The pain I went through and the time I wasted when I was younger worrying about being judged for still living in the parental home, for not having a boyfriend,for not working etc was a crying shame.You don't have to reply to my earlier post I just hoped it helped you clarify things for yourself in your own mind is all VO?

[Fuzzybear]

[shadow2000]

Hi,

Although I don't have any specific advice for you about what you can do to become stronger and unleash your full self, I will say that I wouldn't recommend letting the fact that some strong people hurt others discourage you from working toward becoming stronger. There's no question in my mind that many of the strongest among us use their strength to do things that are hurtful to others, but I don't think it's true that strength and goodness are always at odds with one another. Along the lines of what you wrote, using the strength that we have to hurt other people has become so common these days that using our strength to be good to others can sometimes be very difficult. But if the fact that it's become common for many to use their strength to hurt others tells me anything, it's that there's a great need for people to use their strength to be good to others. To me, when a person has his (or her) heart in the right place and tries to be good to others (while also remembering to take care of themselves), that's a strength. Being compassionate and understanding toward others might not always lead you to feel like you've reached your full potential, but I think that engaging in these and others sorts of behaviors that are good toward others is the best thing that we can do to "fight back" when we're wronged by people who've used their strength to hurt others.

Thanks for your replies. I think I found the answer. The story continues here:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/depr...on-father.html

[Marylin]

I have replied to you VO on the thread that you provided a link for.
Sorry to hear things are at a low point.Love and hugsxxx