[sinking]

Today talking with my T i realized with tears in my eyes that i am old. i know everything is relative but i look at myself from the outside and i see a pathetic 35 years old "girl" (cant look at myself as WOMAN) with no job, no friends and no boyfriend - let alone a husband with kids.

i know i am me and i had it harder than other people and its no surprise i was left behind by other people of my age but its not just about the comparison with others, its.... ME having nothing, not sure i want something, and my age.

i suddenly felt too old to still fight for a life, my life...
i hate life, my life, myself.
how many times did i say that already? too many to count. and these are not just words. i really want to give in. too old to live my life.

sorry this is long. thanks for reading.

[Entity06]

Oh I can relate to this super well although I'll be "only" 30 in June.

Like you, I have no job(my social anxiety has kept me from looking hard enough), never even been on a date and the emotional toll of loneliness and lack of affection is significant, friends I have...well hopefully I still have the one, but I don't know at the moment.

I don't think 35 is old but, let me tell you, I understand perfectly well why it seems that way and your feelings are completely valid. Nowadays when it comes to making a family, getting marriage type relationship and so on, there's plenty of people who don't even consider it until their mid 30s, so there's definitely still a good chance you'll have that if you want. It's also not too late to get a job, although depending on experience it might be a little harder at first.

It's definitely not true you're pathetic though, I'm not pathetic either(I'm not going to say there isn't plenty of people in society who would think that, just that it's not true), because of course there's a tendency to compare and assess our place in the world and our achievements with those of people around us in society, that's normal and society does sort of push this thing where there's "rights of passage" so to speak, different moments when you're expected to "level up" and a lot of people will do it more or less. But then, a lot of those people didn't have quite the same issues either. Some of us, we had some extra baggage to carry around, rubble to dig through before reaching the light. It's like starting a race a mile back from everyone else, there's catching up to do and in the end you've ran more.

Sure, I've always been aware of that lack of experience when it comes to my own life, I do feel like in certain situations lack of of some of the social experience most have, is a downside and I worry about it and yes, it does start to become noticeable, but it's not something we can't catch up with, just need a little bit of luck along with trying to do our best.

I don't have much energy either but I hang on and do whatever little I manage to do, I try because there's no other life, this is the one and if 30 years were more or less wasted, I want to at least not waste them all and everyone deserves and should experience some happiness and love in this life. Don't beat yourself up if you can't do a lot right now, that's ok when you're lacking resources, just think on what you could do. You're definitely not old at all for that.

We can talk further if you want

[leejosepho]

Having more challenges than others might wear some of us down more quickly than others, but that can also bring us to turning points sooner than others so we can look for ways to "improvise, adapt and overcome" where other might never have the opportunity.

With shattered dreams and desires while now in a 60-something body that can no longer do the things little boys do, I am still just a little boy continuing to do whatever I can. Did we miss or get robbed of something along the way? Possibly, but we can still keep going with at least "improvise and adapt...".

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not pathetic, you're doing the best you can to fight and live your life, I admire you for that. I'm much weaker than you are.

[fema4psychiatrists]

Originally Posted by sinking

Today talking with my T i realized with tears in my eyes that i am old. i know everything is relative but i look at myself from the outside and i see a pathetic 35 years old "girl" (cant look at myself as WOMAN) with no job, no friends and no boyfriend - let alone a husband with kids.

i know i am me and i had it harder than other people and its no surprise i was left behind by other people of my age but its not just about the comparison with others, its.... ME having nothing, not sure i want something, and my age.

i suddenly felt too old to still fight for a life, my life...
i hate life, my life, myself.
how many times did i say that already? too many to count. and these are not just words. i really want to give in. too old to live my life.

sorry this is long. thanks for reading.

I hope you keep going and find something that inspires you. Wether that be exercising, doing a marathon or playing group sports.

You are not as 'old' as you think! There are many professional sports people far older than you are. I know it's easy to think like this, but you are and always will be just as worthy with or without the self-criticism.

[Thunder Bow]

You still got most of your life in front of you. I am 70 and I still ride my horses!

I'm 42 and I often feel very old until I look at my 98 year old grandpa. You have plenty of time more than likely and can build a life, surrounded by things and people you love. Don't give up, the best years of your life might be right around the corner. I'm so sorry you are struggling so much and I hope you find peace and support through this difficult time.

I know you may not feel it but ageing can be a wonderful thing - stuff that mattered before (like worrying over physical appearance) doesn't so much. I believe we grow and develop right through life - there will be experiences ahead that you can't even guess right now.

Be kind to yourself, you are just beginning.

[Rizzar]

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
― Margot Benary-Isbert

[Fuzzybear]

[BLUEDOVE]

God,I'd give everything I have to be your age!