I am reading a book on self esteem. It is dawning on me that I let people treat me like crap, SO much, in the past. I had an old therapist, for 4 years, who presented red flags so much, who was obnoxious and attacked me verbally more than once. She had a quarrelsome nature. . I didn't leave because I didn't know where else to go and just felt like I had no power to change my situation. I dated men who treated me like crap. Like holy whoa. I'm just processing this all I guess.

It's also scaring me that I'm thinking about this one guy who was really disrespectful when I dated him, recently. I'm so mad. I'm so angry that he would be like that, and that I would let him. I have a long history of dating men and having boyfriends who treated me disrespectfully and didn't really care about me.

I hate the idea of the law of attraction, because it blames everything on the victims thoughts. I just feel sick right now. Im making better decisions now. But I also, in my alone and lonely and bored times, think about these guys, and feel so upset, angry. I'm angry!!!

I want to empower myself and not hate myself. Sometimes it feels like, they hurt me because I'm not worthy. Deep down, and in my better moments, I know I'm worthy. But holy hurt. I have been hurt.

I want to find a way to process through this.

I'm obviously unsure of your formative years but would you say you were raised to be a victim?

I experienced a great deal of bullying and emotional abuse in my own youth. Consequently I found myself continuing to enter into such relationships as I became an adult. It lasted until I was 44 unfortunately when I was finally able to break the cycle.

I only wish I could go back and change that.

Anyway, does this ring a bell at all?

Starrysky,

In the social forum, At Jesus' Feet: SeptemberMorn says, "Anger is caused by our own unfulfilled desires." This makes a lot of sense to me. If the men we date are not treating us right, for example, ordering us around rather than asking what we prefer to do it is only when we have the courage to say, "no" that we will feel better about ourselves. We also feel better when we directly ask for the things we want. Talking about how you were hurt in the past helps a little and so does time but sometimes there can be experiences that stay with us to some extent. I think the best way forward is just to make better decisions in the here and now. After all, in a way, our memories are no longer happening so they aren't real (that's how I think about a few of them when I relive them in my mind). What is real is the present. So maybe focus on fulfilling your own desires today, rather than allowing yourself to be used. Always put your own needs first before you meet the needs of others. Good friends and bfs will allow you to do this. And I do hope your anger diminishes--anger is a very destructive emotion. Hope this isn't to lectury, I also sometimes have trouble standing up for the things that are important to me and am trying to improve in this regard.

Thanks Hopingtrying. That makes sense.

Justafriend, thanks for your input.

I don't think anger is always a destructive emotion, and if it is, it's something we all feel as humans. It can spark social change and justice when channeled the right way. I do like your advice a lot though, Hopingtrying. thanks again.

This resonates a lot.

I think as girls we are raised to be 'nice', to be considerate, caring, and those are all good traits but it becomes problematic when we come up against those who disrespect our boundaries - because we are lead to believe that we should not be 'aggressive'. To be self assertive is not to be aggressive, but I think many of us (me included) confuse the two.

Maybe your T was deliberately trying to provoke you into reacting in a self-assertive manner? Idk she might just have been a bad T, but it's a thought?

I am so glad you are recognising the negative impact this has had on your life, and no anger is not always bad - especially when we channel it constructively.

Hopingtrying, It's not that I let myself just be used, but abused. For years.

JustAFriend, I'm not sure if I was raised to be a victim. I don't know what that means. But I think...I experienced a lot of dysfunction in family, and relationships with my peers since a young age. I have always had low self esteem I think, too. I probably do have victim mentality at times, and sometimes I just can't get it out of my head!

At this point in my life, if I'm attracted to someone, I'm like, nope. Because I don't trust who I'm attracted to anymore right now. He will turn into a jerk like all the rest.

I want to change, btw. I really think I need help. It's just on my mind ATM. In kind of a dark moment.

I did a google search. I found this and think its helpful. Abused No More - Secrets of Emotional Abuse Recovery for Women
I'm going to continue to express myself here as well btw.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

This resonates a lot.

I think as girls we are raised to be 'nice', to be considerate, caring, and those are all good traits but it becomes problematic when we come up against those who disrespect our boundaries - because we are lead to believe that we should not be 'aggressive'. To be self assertive is not to be aggressive, but I think many of us (me included) confuse the two.

Maybe your T was deliberately trying to provoke you into reacting in a self-assertive manner? Idk she might just have been a bad T, but it's a thought?

I am so glad you are recognising the negative impact this has had on your life, and no anger is not always bad - especially when we channel it constructively.

Do therapists really do this? Provoke? It sounds like head games and now I worry this is what's been done to me.

To the OP, I can relate to much of your feelings and thoughts on this topic. I don't have solutions but you have my deepest sympathy. Someone mentioned boundaries and I learned a few years back how insanely flimsy mine are....I thought that figuring it out would fix it but as soon as I let my guard down, I invite some other loser into my life, whose mission statement and life goal is to cross boundaries and emotionally torment. These people don't just fool me, they fool my family also. I'm a magnet for abusive personalities. I'm sorry you deal with this too. Boundaries need to be forged in steel to survive I think.

I'm pretty sure that therapist I saw was just unprofessional. She talked about herself all the time and one time answered the phone to talk to a client, then complained about said client to me.

Hugs to you, ElsaMars. You will get there and so will I. I'm in no shape to date. But would be open to male friendship if they're nice.

In reply to Elsa I don't know, but I think they vary hugely in quality.

When I was in therapy I got the feeling once or twice my T took 'the opposite' view point in order to get my reaction - it wasn't necessarily bad, it opened up the dialogue between us.

[BLUEDOVE]

Oh,dear Starry! I would hug you (with respect) if in 3D.
You must,must,must,get a book on assertiveness for verbal
shields to use in future. Anger can be just what we need at
the right time,its for your protection.And,I tell you,the so called caring professions,are FULL of nuts . . .they go into
it to feel superior to decent people like you who are in need
of help,and they get that s--t that you got. I went to see one while ago,and I tell you,she looked as though she was at funeral! And her face stayed like that through whole session . . . .I did not go back. Quote:"In order to love one's
self,one must behave in ways one can respect and admire."
You will rise,I know you will,you will rise!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE