[ahonestlie]

I put myself in a nightmare situation. I haven't had peace of mind or a glimpse of hope in over 3 years. If I didn't have my 22 yr old son and dog I'd have already been more drastic. Or successful, but I don't want to think like that. 40, I've had 10 yrs of anxiety/depression. 10 years of drug addiction & alcoholism. 3 years since I've been disowned by family/friends. I moved in with a man 16 yrs older for lack of choices due to burned Bridges and I have felt more like a prisoner & prostitute than when I was the latter. Last night after these years he choked me. Cops arrested him. He bailed himself out and here I am on my neighbors porch sobbing (like always), desperate with no drive or ambition or self respect. What scares me is that when he grabbed my throat I wanted him to tighten his hands, for a split second. I made sure to keep eye contact and yada yada yada. What do you do when you can't stand your own emotional BS? I'm terrified and nobody's gonna save me. But me? Pic is all that is possible & positive but weighs so little, it seems.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm having comprehension issues and I had trouble understanding your post but I did sense the painful undertone and I'm deeply sorry.

[ahonestlie]

ElsaMars I appreciate your compassion. I don't think I made much sense in my post and might delete. Long story short: I make decisions that are self sabotaging. As I grew up life was very predictable, routine. I used to cringe thinking of living my adulthood in the same way. I've made it a point to be anything but boring and unfortunately the result has been negative. I can't comprehend how I can know the difference between positive and negative attention but still make decisions that are not good for me or those around me. Ignorance is bliss. I feel awareness is a brick wall right in front of your face (and if I look to the left there is a door so obviously waiting to be opened but I choose to stare at the brick wall).

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry for what happened.. hope you'll let these bad experiences behind you, and start overo. It's not easy, though..

[Ljj7000]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I think I should give you this reminder: Life is a series of events and situations that happen to you and you just have to find a way to deal with them.