Lack The Courage

I am wasting my life because I am expecting people to be something for me to start living, but this of course is not going to happen. I know I need to forge my life because at the end no one cares if I lived or not, not even my parents. But I am lacking the courage and strength to stand for myself, and say in my mind "I didn't choose to come to this life, but since I've found myself here, I must live my life the best I can", instead of saying "I didn't choose to come to this life, and I wish I didn't come and exist because it is so miserable". For example, my father is a huge obstacle in my life, and I cannot do anything because of him, not even while I am 1000s of miles away. I have two options: either I stand up for myself and rebel and live my own way against his will, or I simply leave and cut him off completely because his voice will always haunt me if I keep contact with him. I don't have the courage to do either, because I feel guilty only from the thoughts. So, I keep myself locked down, and not moving an inch forward. I am so afraid of making decisions, because I am afraid they will be wrong, and thus I will be criticized and ridiculed.

This problem covers all my life's aspects. I don't face life with courage and strength as a warrior. I know this, and this makes me feel worse and diminishes my already very low self-esteem. How to find the courage in life to defend your life and rights to live by your own terms and have a place in this game called life? Anyone says something negative, even hinting something negative, I gradually withdraw, and crawl back to my shell and stay depressed for many days, maybe weeks. I know courage is something admirable, but I lack it, and maybe that's another reason why I am marginalized and not respected. When I talk I present the low self-esteem guy who has no confidence in what he is saying. It doesn't matter what I say, whether it is something like the weather or a scientific fact, no one takes me seriously and listens to me because I am weak.

I know I need to do some positive self-talk instead of this negativity, which eats what remains of my confidence in me, but ... I simply cannot but feel bad about myself and my life. Others have succeeded in defining me and my confidence.

I'm sorry you are feeling so... ah... defeated... I know something about this. I've also never really been a brave person (in any sense of the word) although I have at times been an outspoken person, which is not the same thing. (It's a long story.)

I guess I always wanted to be a brave person, & a person other people listened to, which is why I was sometimes an outspoken person... not that it ever did any good. But as I've aged I've concluded that I'd have perhaps been better off if I could have just realized I was never going to be the kind of brave, respected person I wanted to be & just found a way to live my life as the person I am.

In one of Parker J. Palmer's books, he recounts a story wherein a Jewish Rabbi says something to the effect that when he would die, God would not ask him why he was not Moses. Rather God would ask him why he (the Rabbi) why he was not himself. (I wish I could find the citation but I can't.) Anyway, the point being that we each have to strive to discern who it is we are & do what we can to be that person, not spend what time we have here on earth struggling to become someone we are not. Or as Parker Palmer has written, we have to "let our lives speak". And before we decide what we want to do with our lives, we must try to discern what it is our lives intend to do with us. Each of us has things we can do & other things we can't & never will be able to no matter how hard we try. So the "trick" is to learn to build on those "gifts" we have & not get sidetracked chasing after things we simply lack the ability to succeed at. Does that make sense?

I enjoy watching the British mysteries they show on our local public television station. One of them was a show titled: "Wallander". Wallander was a Swedish police detective. In the final show of that series, one of the characters, an older man, says of himself that he had finally reached a point in life where he realized he could only be the person he had always been. That's what I believe I have finally come to... for better or worse...

But "letting your life speaks" needs the courage to build a life by focusing on yourself instead of what others talk about you!! How to find this courage and strength? I am do damaged that I cannot even love myself to encourage myself to do things!!

Speaking as someone outside looking in, to me you do have courage. I see how you struggle with your family. To simply exist day after day with that takes courage. You lived in another country, yes? That takes courage. You had a life there. That takes courage.

I applaud you for enduring and for what you have accomplished.

I think you should take these bits of courage that you have and tuck them away somewhere. Add to them in any way that you can.

If you do that, then I will attempt to do it, too.

This part stands out. We may try to become what they tell us to, but there is that part of us that disagreed and disagrees. The fact that you see things differently shows you are indeed different than your father, and others, defined you. True, we may behave as we were taught, but we do things for our own reasons. You may behave respectfully to your parents, but it's not because you believe in their guidance and admire their wisdom.
I hope you break free of the self damaging ways of others, and in a way that makes the best sense to you.

Are you seeing a therapist who can help you process these feelings? I agree with a previous poster....you've already shown great courage. Maybe take baby steps in building the life you want. You are uniquely you and should live that way.