[Piglette]

I've always had a hard time managing my emotions, and they completely overwhelm me a lot of the time. I've had anxiety for pretty much my whole life, which got progressively worse and worse over the years. I feel like I'm a young child at the age of 27. I don't feel like an adult woman, I don't feel in control, I feel completely pulled along and driven by my mind and my emotions. You could possibly say I've had "emotional problems" over the years, and acted childishly in my teens and still do at times now. I can't seem to mature.

And right now I'm attempting to "grow up" and get better self-esteem and self-discipline. But it feels like I'm fooling myself. I hate sleeping because every time I wake up and turn over (a lot) I feel FEAR. And when it's time to start the day I feel an incredible panic, fear and hopelessness just smother me. Even if I felt strong and capable the night before, the morning always gives me the truth of my subconscious. That I'm weak. That I can't do anything I need to, can't change my life, can't change anything about myself or my actions, can't meet anybody, can't can't can't. Every day I battle this suffocating sadness and aloneness. I feel extremely alone. And extremely trapped. On Thursday I had a fight with my parents and I sobbed and screamed. Granted, my father also screamed and had that demonic look in his eye, and perhaps I got some of my emotional chaos from him. But it reminds me how childish I am, and how trapped I am.

I feel my anxiety in my body, particularly in my arms. As though fear is literally running through my veins. And it's painful. It also makes me feel emotionally and psychologically delicate. I often see myself as cotton wool; easy to tear apart and easily drifted away to nothing. I want to feel strong in myself. Instead I'm the world-shy toddler hiding behind someone's legs.

I am doing a mindfulness course and learning how it helps to manage emotions. But my fear is so strong and so painful, and I'm triggered so easily right now. Even seeing a romantic couple in a movie is making me escape to another room. I just can't handle anything. And I'm concerned the morning panic will stop me from attending appointments and engaging in therapy and self-help. The hopelessness keeps me in bed. It says, "What is there to get up for? Loneliness and heartache." I don't know what to do and I've been in hospital before over my inability to handle change and emotions. I keep thinking I may be in there again if I keep pushing with my limits. Just want to feel strong and capable and "all right."

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It must be very frightening for you. If you are having trouble with hopelessness and it's impeding you from getting to therapy and appointments, do you think IP might turn things around? I wanted to lend my support and let you know I'm here if you need to talk. Best wishes.

Hi Piglette, I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and I wanted to tell you, there's nothing wrong with feeling shy, scared / anxious / panicky. There's nothing wrong with anything you said. I want to tell you you're not alone. There are many people in this world struggling with the same thing you are. I understand not feeling like you've got a grip on your emotions and like you're constantly swayed by them, and like a very sensitive person. I'm very sensitive myself. I commend you for trying to fix your problems and actively looking at what is going on! That is great! Try not to beat yourself up. Are you in therapy? Sometimes seeing a counselor can help.

Edit: I just read the rest of your post where you said that you are scared that your anxiety and difficulties will keep you from seeing a counselor. Sorry about my overlook. I hope you keep posting here. Sometimes change comes gradually. But pat yourself on the back for anything positive you do or experience.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry you're struggling so badly. I can relate to a lot of what you say.. please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you can improve.. it just takes time that's it but it IS possible.

[continuosly blue]

This is something I have gone through my whole life up until recently.
Mindfullness is what saved me. Learning how to be in the moment.
I never was able to use the left side of my brain. Use my prefrontal cortex and
diminish the role of that part of my brain which just sees life , and myself , thru an emotional lens. If you can learn to concentrate on just right now , what's right in front of you , you can stop your mind from being hijacked by a negative emotional loop. Meditate on the " now". Think about gratitude.
As far as I'm concerned you need the suffering your going thru right now
before you can break out to the other side.
Your past , I believe has taken over your mind. What if there was no past ?
What if you were able to step back from yourself and take a few deep breaths
every time your goaded into an emotional state ? What if you could stop thinking
so much and realize how the world and we humans really work ?
What if you took charge of yourself , instead of being led around by " emotions "
I'm not saying to become a robot. We NEED our emotions. But we can't let them rule us. We have two parts to our brain. I needed to develop the " other part " ,
which I hardly ever used. Didn't think I could. Just didn't think !