[pinkjosie13]

Hi !

That one is tricky.
Throughout my life, I have faced events shaping my beliefs. I grew in a good family despite the attention that were given to my younger brother due to him being bullied at school. I also grew up with a father that would compliment other women's beauty but never his own wife. He'd mention how he'd like to see that and this woman naked.
Beside this, I have been sexually abused and harassed twice by a cousin of mine and once by my first "boyfriend".
I mentioned these for details but I own up my current behaviour and feelings. They are my responsabilities and I want them to change desperately.

My beliefs are strong concerning objectification of women and graphic nudity. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate these beliefs and I value them a lot. However, it creates diverse feelings and behaviours that is ruining my sanity and my life. My relationship.

My boyfriend is far from being a macho. He is a feminist. He doesn't like objectification of women either and does not even seek it. I don't know why my jealousy, anger and disgust grew that much toward things I and he cannot control.
I tend to control and avoid things such as videos, movies, places that may contain/feature objectified women (scandily clad women, naked women). I even think about it daily and I feel I'm loosing my mind ; I get anxious to go somewhere and get obsess by these thoughts. What if? What if there is this? What if my boyfriend sees it?
My boyfriend told me that it ruined his feelings of discovery, that he doesn't seek it but if it happens because he clicked on a YouTube video, he doesn't want to feel bad about himself or a mood change in his girlfriend.
I don't seek help for him, though. I do feel hopeless and exhausted. I feel stuck and powerless. I feel unhappy.

The tricky part for me is not abandoning my beliefs but not reacting to them the way I do. Not making it an obsession. Being able to handle and to not get frustrated if something popped up on TV. I don't want to feel threatened.

[Thunder Bow]

I think your father plays into this. You may want to seek a therapist to explore this more. I see many layers.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

I think your father plays into this. You may want to seek a therapist to explore this more. I see many layers.

I agree.

[pinkjosie13]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

I think your father plays into this. You may want to seek a therapist to explore this more. I see many layers.

What are you seeing exactly?

[pinkjosie13]

I think you may be right but until then, what should I do? I don't have the money to pay a therapist right now... and I don't know how strong I am to avoid feeling this way.

[Thunder Bow]

You are going to feel, so just go with your feelings. Do avoid YouTube videos and other stuff that can trigger you.

[pinkjosie13]

It is ruining everything.
I cannot even feel “safe” or “secure” when my partner is simply watching a video on YouTube just because the movie teaser at the beginning may contain some bullsh*t in it.
I do not feel good when I see pictures of women revealing their breasts at events appearing on MY Facebook or on articles just because he may sees them too. Chances are low but I still freak out. I wasn't like this before... I was able to go to the beach, go to bars, go to the mall, etc. Now, I'm doing it but dreading it as well.
Do not get me wrong; I am not necessarily a prude. I am quite confident with my body and I do not have any problem showing it. However, it feels very intimate to me as it is the only thing I can actually decide to share. My face? Everybody is seeing it. My intelligence? I have to use it at work. My hobbies? I'm sharing them with friends and family. Of course, I'm not only my body and I have much more to share... but intimacy is really important to me.
Being sexually assaulted made me realize how my body is sacred and how I control to who I'm giving it. I realized it was more important to me when someone stole a little bit of it.
In a way, I do think if it is intimate, I don't want my partner to see the intimacy of someone else ; also because it doesn't belong to him.
Partner or not, I would still feel stuck in this feeling as I feel it is way too excessive in today's days. Also unequal if we compared with male - especially in media.