[Yksik]

I've lost all my friends, due to them moving away and a fallout with a person, we've ben close friend with for over 10 yrs... and the rest of the random group shunned me alongside with her. I had to protect my kid, so , I did the right thing... but I have no one left.
I swear people only use me for free childcare.
I see, when people don't give back, but I don't want to force them, cause then they wouldn't do it for the right reason anyway. I feel like I keep giving and it's all going to some big Black hole and nothing's ever coming back.
I don't need anything, just to be appreciated back.

So, with no family around (over a decade) and no friends left, I feel so lonely and can't stop doubting myself.
I just feel like I suck.

I sucked as a kid - I was the fat fatherless kidwith no money, I sucked as a young adult and still am, as a muddle aged parent, who can't get her life together.
I am so scared of messing up my kids' future by raising them to be like me - no social skills, no family, no friends, no future.
I feel like a failure and can't stand myself. I want to give them everything I didn't have ... but am not doing a great job with that. I have heavy things on my heart, and no one to share them with - I wouldn't want to upset my long-distance parents, who couldn't help and don't have anyone close and caring enough to talk to ... I've been dealing with it for years and put on a happy face, bit I'm so tired and hopeless.
I will get up tomorrow again and take the kids out for a day of errands and we will bake and hang out ... but I just can't handle how empty I feel.
So, I found a completely random forum and wrote it here ... that's pretty miserable and pathetic, I guess.
I just feel like I really suck.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Could you look into some activities where you might make friends? How about a therapist to start feeling better about yourself? Sending big hugs.

[Yksik]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, Jennifer!
And for your kind words.

I have tried community art group - ironically I was the only person to show up. I tried hanging out with people, when my older kid was small and would gost all the events and always have her friends (and parents) over ... but that ended in them moving or cutting me out (it is for the better as I did the mature thing and called out a clique mentality and stepped on some toes with that - so, it is healtgier for me not to be involved ... but I don't work, don't go out outside the kids' activities (same groups, a bit of an elite neighborhood, where I struggle to fit in with my heavy accent and simple life). I just feel inferior- a feeling, I always have felt and am too quick to take on.

I really don't want to throw myself a big pity party - my life really is wonderful in so many ways and I have so much to be thankful for ... yet I feel like no one (but my kids, husband and parents) cares about me and I have to work so hard to get acceptance even by people I don't find to be good or kind humans, that I actually would want to interact with.

I will keep on keeping, but I think, cause I used to have a loving bestie, for many years, and caring close parents and grandparents, when growing up, and leaving them all to move here so long ago, has left me an empty shell with noone to tell me it's going to be OK. My husband works 24/7 and the people I do meet up with, occasionally, are long time friends, but we lack of closeness and have convenience friendship with.
Augh. Long whiny story and just a first world problem again.

I'm really apprehensive about therapists, due to financial and hopelessness reasons.

[Thunder Bow]

"....I will get up tomorrow again and take the kids out for a day of errands and we will bake and hang out ......."

Looks like you are doing some positive things with your kids. Do not worry so much about being accepted. Just be yourself. Do not compare yourself to others. Just take care of yourself. Don't be to hard on yourself.

[reb569]

I have to say that PC is a pretty awesome place. There are really great people here that can help to fill a void in your life. I wouldn't rule out trying something new again though. It's something I need to work on myself.

Maybe try volunteering? A part time job? Join a gym? An online blog (anonymous of course)? Take a college class?

Just throwing out ideas. I'm trying to find something for myself now too. I'm officially an "empty-nester" now and trying to find things to do also.

[MickeyCheeky]

Please, just know that you're not a failure. Far from that. You're doing your best to raise your children, alone and with what you've got. That, to me, it's the opposite of a failure
I'm sorry you're struggling so bad with loneliness. I'd suggest trying some activities, as well. You could also use some online websites to make friends around your local area (not sure which they are, though).

[ptangptang]

Have you looked on meetup.com Lots of groups ( esp in main cities) so there should be something that interests you. Walking groups are good. Not only do you get the exercise but you meet people, see new places and it's free ( well nearly).

[Nix]

I've lost my friends too, and am struggling to try to make new ones and form some kind of a network. I'm planning to try a meetup group, a yoga class, and a meditation group soon. I really have no one, except people here at PC have been a great help to me. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

[Delta4u]

I am sorry that you are having a rough time. I have no friends due to not being able to make friends as an older person. I have looked into all the suggestions and also find that the people that go to some of these things aren't really people that I want to be friends with...so I avoid and just hole up in my place. I don't have kids so that makes is harder to meet people....just know that you aren't alone.

[ravencrow]

youre doing the best you can with what youre going through, its hard youre struggling give yourself a hug, dont beat yourself up, its not your fault you are depressed low self esteem causes havoc badly/
do things where you can meet other mothers or people counselling is a big help
talking with people at PC helps a lot *big hugs

[avlady]

I hope you can get a hobby or learn to play a musical instrument or other thing like knitting and making collages. I play piano but lost a lot of it through out the years, but when i play the easy songs for me the ones i can remember i feel so much better. My therapist comes to my home 2 times a month and she's in a band and sings a song for me too. I am going to see her band play again in september. I am so lucky to have her and i really would be lost without her and i can see your point. It is hard to make friends as we don't know where to start when we are lonely with no one which is where i used to be too. I tried many things and one thing i found was this place here and i am a wise elder now as i used to spend alot of time here, but am going to college now and have to write papers so its taking all my time away. good luck and prayers your way!